Ten Other Things Undecided Voters Are Undecided On

  1. Eating a Filet Mignon prepared by Ina Garten, or eating bodega Spam that expired in 1997.
  1. Getting passed a basketball in a game of hot potato, or getting passed an MK3 grenade.
  1. Whether or not Ralph Fiennes played a villain in Schindler’s List. (“Maybe he was just misunderstood?”, says undecided voter Ben Kone.)
  1. Getting licked by a cocker spaniel, or getting mauled by a grizzly bear and then tripping and getting trapped by a boulder 127 Hours style.
  1. Finding a twenty-dollar bill on the street, or slipping in poodle shit while wearing flip flops.
  1. Skipping through a meadow of daisies, or stepping on an old rusty nail and getting tetanus. (“Those vaccines are a hoax,” says the ghost of Jerry Falwell Sr.)
  1. Sipping on a Piña Colada on the beach in Barbados, or spilling rum on yourself and then sufficiently lighting yourself on fire.
  1. (If drowning) whether or not to accept a life jacket, or a Cannon Ball Safe. (“How can I sink the fastest?”, says undecided voter Ralph Nader.)
  1. Riding in a horse-drawn carriage in Central Park, or being jousted off a horse and dragged by Spartacus.
  1.  Whether or not to be upset; or to jump up, and laugh and cheer when Bambi’s mom is killed.

Author: Dora Friedman

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