Trump Diverts Covid Cash to Fund Free Humvees for Ultra-Far Right Groups

The US economy has undoubtedly taken a massive hit due to the Covid 19 pandemic. Every tax dollar has to be especially wisely spent right now due to the crashing tax revenue caused by the virus.

So, political pundits, the Democrats, and impartial observers of American politics alike were all flabbergasted at the latest announcement from the leader of the free world and self declared ‘God’s instrument on Earth’ Donald Trump.

In a pronouncement that appears to be a ‘fait accompli’ given to a press pack hastily assembled on The White House lawn, president Trump informed America that a huge chunk of money set aside to fight the Covid 19 virus is to be reallocated. Instead of the cash being used to support furloughed workers, providing essential PPE equipment, and ‘test, track and trace’ activities, the money will instead be given to far right groups.

“I will not lie to the American people,” lied the president, “Things are going to get a lot worse before they get better. Our police and emergency services are already over-stretched, what with all this ‘Black Lies Matter’ crap. With the election looming and the inevitable chaos that will follow, they will undoubtedly be overwhelmed.”

When pressed by the cub reporter from the UK comic ‘The Beano’ as to exactly what he meant by ‘the inevitable chaos that will follow,’ Trump barked, “When I lose, you moron! The dumb red necks and ultra-right wing thugs that believe the constant stream of vitriolic hate-laden ear-piss I vomit out will never accept the result, especially if I keep hammering on about the vote being rigged against me by the far left Lib-tards.”

Wearing a lycra ‘Superman’ costume that included the red cape and a large golden ‘T’ emblazoned on the chest, the president went on to paint three likely scenarios that could follow the election in November.

These were:

  1. President Trump wins – This would legitimise his appalling record of nepotism, corruption and incompetence, and give him a mandate to further drive a wedge between the sane and his supporters. There would follow serious civil unrest, possibly a civil war.
  2. President Trump loses – The insane megalomaniac would declare the result rigged and refuse to leave The White House. His backers, those with vested interests to exploit divisions in America, and most importantly his right wing red neck army would rise up to keep him in office. There would follow serious civil unrest, possibly a civil war.
  3. President Trump disappears – The porcine lunatic is pumped so full of untested drugs his overburdened internal organs finally give up the ghost and he blows his last remaining mental fuse. He wanders off into the night an can’t be found. The rabid ultra-right numbskulls will never accept he’s ‘gone bigfoot’ as a result of ingesting too many untested drugs and buckets of KFC chicken & ‘slaw. Their conspiracy theory bullsh*t is that he’s been kidnapped by the Dems, blacks, Mexicans, Inuits, aliens, Jews, flying bats, the Wizard of Oz or whatever. There would follow serious civil unrest, possibly a civil war.

‘Doesn’t look good any which way you look at it,” crowed the comb-over cretin, “So, I’m diverting federal funds to groups of loyal patriots that can come to the aid of the cops and keep the streets of America safe. I’m giving a free brand new Humvee to every single member of the following social clubs, and asking them all to stand back and stand by.”

President Trump then, entirely from memory, gave a list of his latest recipients of free taxpayers’ dollars. These included (in alphabetical order):

11th Hour Remnant Messenger, American Renaissance, American Freedom Party, American Nazi Party, Aryan Brotherhood of Texas, Aryan Republican Army… and blah, blah, blah…all the way down to…Pioneer Fund, Volksfront, White America Inc. and White Aryan Resistance.

When the journalist from the UK gardening magazine, ‘Thyme,’ shouted out, “What about the Proud Boys?” Trump closed his eyes and looked heavenward before simpering, “They’re all proud boys to me.”

A spokesperson for the Democrats, Ms Livonya Knees, was clearly furious when she was quizzed on the president’s latest whacky move.

“It’s clearly a blatant and brazen bribe to get all these loony ultra-right thugs to create mayhem when he loses. But we’ll be ready you can bet your bippy on that!”

When asked what plans the Democrats had to counteract the threat from ultra right Trump supporting anarchist thugs, Ms Knees snapped, “We have a hard hitting poster campaign planned, and we’ve got some Tee shirts printed up with crushing slogans. Those right wing losers’ll go hurtling back to the hills in their smart new Humvees when they hear us chanting ‘you’re a rotten bunch of selfish persons with either a penis or a uterus’ – we don’t want to fall into the trap of assigning members of these neo-Nazi groups a specific gender.”

Author: David Smith

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