Trump Boasts Immunity to All Things Except Kryptonite

The President of the United States and leader of the free world, Donald Trump, today revealed to a stunned press pack that, after his tussle with the killer disease Covid 19 and his apparent vanquishing of the virus, he is now immortal and invincible.

However, the swivel-eyed comb over cretin did confess that he was vulnerable in one respect only – to the debilitating radiation from kryptonite, rocks or dust emanating from the fictional distant planet of Krypton.

A team of medicos in white coats watched on open mouthed as the president bragged that he’d ‘kicked the ass’ of the ‘Chinky’ virus, and that he had taken no medication whatsoever to achieve this immortal status. It was all down to his ‘big balls.’

“I’m the most powerful man on the planet,” boasted Trump, “I beat the proverbial crap out of a virus that has caused death and mayhem across the globe, but fortunately not in America because I stopped it in its inscrutable yellow tracks.”

When the cub reporter from the UK comic ‘The Beano’ pointed out that there had sadly been over 215,000 American deaths caused by the disease under his watch, Trump leapt down from the podium, ran up to the young lad and kissed him hard on the lips. The young man struggled as best he could but was no match for the sheer ‘heft’ of Trump. It was subsequently established that the president had done a ‘Stormy Daniels’ and pushed his tongue all the way down the young lad’s throat.

After the kiss the president screamed at the boy, “Let’s see how immune you are, you little punk!”

The president then remounted the podium, turned to the rest of the press pack and then shouted, “I gotta go now. I’m flying off to my fortress of solitude for the weekend to play snow golf with Lex Luthor. I know he’s a super-villain and an ultra-right wing white supremacist, and I’ll probably get flack from you fake news hounds for that, but he’s a helluva nice guy.”

The president then dived off the podium with his right arm held straight out in what can only be described as a ‘superman take off’ movement. Unfortunately his massive bulk and bulbous shape, coupled with his lack of any kind of thrust, aerodynamic shape, or anti-gravity device meant that he fell flat on his face. The ‘men in white coats’ did their best to get the fat idiot back into the vertical but without success. However, a team of secret servicemen with a sack barrow and a hoist arrived and soon had the president upright again.

Once standing, the president barked to nobody in particular, “I forgot I wasn’t wearing my frickin’ cloak!” The self declared invincible super-hero then limped from the room as his medical team flocked around him trying to staunch the blood gushing from his busted baboon shaped lips.

When asked for a comment, vice president hopeful Kamala Harris said, “This is a very worrying development. We all know that Trump is gaga, but this is a cut above the usual boasting, lying and insanity we’ve all had to learn to live with. He really does believe he is super-Trump.”

Harris was asked what plans the Democrats had to deal with this latest challenging craziness from Trump.

“We’re going to hold the next one-on-one debate at the top of the Empire State building,” crowed Harris, “and we’re gonna invite Trump to confirm his new super powers to the world.”

When asked how, the foxy politico smirked, “…by getting the orange faced goof-ball to don his cloak and then leap off the top. If he takes to the air and does a few laps of Manhattan then even we Demos’ll vote for him. However, if what we think will happen happens, then Joe’s a shoe-in.”

Democratic presidential hopeful Joe Biden was tracked down to his basement and asked for his comments on Trump’s latest lunacy.

“What’s happened now?” asked a bewildered Biden from within his medically sterile basement bubble housed within a fish tank cube of Plexi-glass filled with bleach.

When Biden was told that president Trump had now declared himself immune to everything except kryptonite, Biden mumbled, “What’s kryptonite?… Who’s this guy Trump?… Have I had my dinner yet?”

Author: David Smith

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