Man warns parents to keep kids home on Halloween after losing $600 in edibles

Shullsburg, NH — Feeling anxious and well on his way to type II diabetes, local resident Dave Matters frantically consumes bag after bag of Halloween candy after losing $600 worth of THC edibles in the seasonal aisle of Shullsburg Grocery. “This is the first time in known history that drugs may actually be handed out as trick-or-treat candy,” says Shullsburg Sheriff James Lochemhup, “The police department has run a warning in the local paper so parents can keep their kids inside. This is Halloween. We can’t have preteens lazily lounging on the curb enjoying the crisp autumn air. That’s not what holidays are about.”

Serenity Hospitals and Clinics has advised that parents contact poison control if their children begin to exhibit any of the following symptoms: red eyes, lethargy, a desire to mix applesauce and macaroni, an inability to perform college-level calculus without the aid of a calculator, or an uncontrollable need to use the word “vibe.” “It’s probably best to keep your kids indoors this year,” comments Dr. Houser, head of Serenity’s Emergency Department. “We’ve seen things like this before. One second it’s an accidental good time from eating the wrong gummy bears, and next thing you know — BAM! — dick cancer.”

When reporters asked Dave how he could so carelessly lose his stash in such an inconvenient location, he spat out four half-chewed mini Snickers to say, “I was high, man. Have you ever been baked while surrounded by Halloween candy? I set them down over there — or was it there? Anyway, I set them down and then, and then, I just kind of wandered off, man. But, I’ll find them, man. I’ll find them.” The latest update has confirmed that a volunteer brigade of 16-year-old hackysack players has been searching diligently for the illegal substances while Dave waits patiently at Serenity Hospital in a sugar coma.

Author: Nicholas Vrchoticky

Wadayasay? Here's your chance to sound off!