Sunday 7:30 P.M.
SCRANTON, PA – It’s surfaced that Keith Wagner, a freshman at Duquesne University who many people agree is just the bomb, will be leaving his hometown in the Minooka neighborhood of Scranton to return to his studies as a business management major.
As he prepared to leave, he called into question the integrity of his neighborhood. “It’s all just petty gossip around here because no one has anything better to do. A lot of these people haven’t changed at all since high school.”
David Brown, a local pharmacist who lives down the street from David, disagreed. “It’s without question that Keith is just the bomb, but many people around here, myself included, live rich, full lives here in Minooka. Moving out to the city for a higher salary has its perks, but those people have no roots.”
Chris Pennetta, the branch manager of a franchise that sells administrative software, shared his views as well. “It’s without a doubt that Keith is uniquely awesome in a way that’s difficult for many people to comprehend. I’m sure one day he’ll be living in Manhattan, making six figures at some hedge fund, commuting from some mansion in Westchester, New York, discussing foreign policy over cocktails with his fellow elites, and trying to convince his wife that he doesn’t play too much golf.”
Regardless of their individual viewpoints, all of Minooka hopes that Keith will think about them now and then while he’s out in the world just being the absolute bomb.
Funny