“Bless me, Father, . . . ”
“Yes, my son? Remember the words? ‘For I have sinned.’”
“Sorry you’ve sinned too, but, frankly, even our buddy on St. Pete’s throne needs to get great again. Infallible? C’mon! Sometimes I think he’s a Commie. Besides, with all his talk about immigrants, they still have a wall around Vatican City, don’t they? And, something of a Nordic guard to keep the bad guys out. No, I didn’t forget the words. The Donald’s just considering. How ‘bout: ‘Sinned some but sinned against greatly?’ In other words, heh-heh, Me Too!”
“Confession’s not negotiation.”
“All things are. Fake penance, I look elsewhere. Maybe Trump University had a chaplain still on our payroll. Anyway, my last confession was before the Muslim occupied the White House. For the record, it’s shameful taking a knee here like some N.F.L. inmate. Ingrate.”
“Respect. Tradition. An examination of conscience?”
“What?”
“Examination. Thinking before you act, speak or tweet. Conscience, that’s . . . “
“The Donald knows conscience. Never self-conscious.”
“We’ll start with the Seven Deadly Sins. Pride, Greed. Lust. Envy. Gluttony. Wrath. Sloth.”
“Bingo! Mercy, me! Might get a pass on a couple. Who’s to envy? The Donald’s POTUS, and I’m looking forward to another great election victory. Real Americans love me. Sloth? I even work the wee hours after doing number one and not getting back to sleep.”
“Waste time playing golf?”
“Father, God gives real men big hands for two reasons. One’s show-and-tell, and the other’s playing golf where deals get done. That new rectory? you might take up . . . .”
“Let’s try a positive approach. Favorite saint? Poll numbers and your persecution complex might suggest Saint Sebastian, the one shown with all the arrows sticking out of him.”
“Maybe St. Columba?”
“The Celtic missionary to Scotland?”
“I had a Scotch-Irish mom, but, it was the Pencer who told me about him. You know, Mike was taught by Jesuits before he found God. He tells the story of Columba draining the swamp to battle the Loch Ness monster.”
“Well, . . . “
“This is fun. Maybe St. Nick. Santa. Warm and jovial, a giver like me. Just ask my formerly overtaxed rich friends and corporate leaders. And, hurricane victims too. Even the lazy Puerto Ricans or just now all the Gulf people I’m protecting so they’ll vote right. And, I saved all of America from the rapists and thugs coming across the border and the Asian Flu, which I single-handedly kept at bay while keeping our economy humming. You’d have to have a mask over your eyes not to see my successes.”
“Supposedly Bishop Nicholas gave bags of gold – maybe down the chimney – to three girls to save them from sexual predators. You too?”
“Nah, not Saint Nick. My favorite’s gotta be Saint Hilary, though he, and fitting that he is a he, got the “L” knocked out of him, like my Hillary. At the top of my ‘Litany of Aint’s’ – Mueller, Flynn, Comey, Bannon, Priebus, Spicer, Scaramucci, Pelosi, Corker, McCain, Leftists, foreigners, anti-American protesters, N.B.A. players – but, it always comes back to invoking her name loudest: Yes, St. Hillary’s my favorite.”
“Maybe, going negative’s our only approach: The Ten Commandments.”
“Pinning people down like the Pharisees. Then the Scribes. The Lord shared my loathing for them. Scribes are scribes, yesterday or CNN. Fake News then too. And Jesus had a temper. Remember, he attacked those money regulators in the Temple and hated tax collectors.”
“Regulators? St. Matthew?”
“This the lightning round? Mar-a-Lago’s calling.”
“Confession’s not a game show.”
“Great idea! Televising forced confessions. Liberals would want my tax return, copies of my silence settlements, an unredacted Mueller report, my pre-nup agreements, or blood pressure numbers, but I’m thinking about what my base – they do love their television almost as much as their opioids — would devour. You boys with your Inquisition have some history there too. Ratings higher than my Fox poll numbers if we’d start with Hillary.”
“First four commandments – loving God, not using His name in vain or cursing, keeping holy the Lord’s Day, and honoring father and mother.”
“Check. Love God if the Christian right keeps voting for me; just locker room talk; pray a lot during Sunday golf; and loved Mom and Dad. Not quite so sure about my sister or niece. In fact, I must be a saint not to blast them – in public.”
“The fifth commandment. Thou shalt not kill.”
“Breaking my big balls there, Father. Did God make Navy Seals to sit on a beach barking and playing with their flippers? I didn’t even send a drone to get Rocket Man, yet alone the leaders of Canada or Australia. Wasn’t sure if Rocket Man taking out L.A. and San Francisco was good or bad. But, he knew I had the biggest button. And the Black Lives Matter stuff. I almost felt some sympathy before they got taken over by Marxists and wanted to defund the Police Departments which keep Americans safe.
“And, I don’t want to hear any of that adultery or stealing or coveting stuff. You’re dreaming if you don’t think it’s a bitch being a man in this society where false accusations dog movers and shakers. Even ‘Sleepy Joe’ Biden, who I didn’t think had the huevos to do anything, got fingered last year. Almost felt sorry for him until Nancy defended him. But, if he or that woman running with him, the one whose parents weren’t citizens when she was born, give me that Me-too shit, I’ll . . . .”
“Back to five. You didn’t speak out about Charlottesville, but you do speak out about a so-called Deep State. And if you want to skip through the rest of six through ten, what about eight? Bearing false witness?”
“Who? Me? I’m the victim there.”
“Not sure you’ve been totally open, but, with the benefit of the doubt, say a good act of contrition, and I’ll give you your penance and forgiveness.”
“I forgave Susan B. Anthony and Jack Johnson, the feminist and colored heavyweight champ. And, I’d be ready to pardon any God-fearing, right thinking American truly helping me to make America great again. People coming to trial ought to know that. POTUS is like Jesus in that sense, both with power to pardon, to forgive sins, real or alleged, committed against others.”
“C.S. Lewis says people can’t just call Jesus just a prophet or holy person. When He said He could forgive sins against others, Lewis said, He had to be either a mad man or God. You surely don’t think you’re God, do you?”
“You don’t think I’m a mad man, do you? So, how much is my penance.”
“How much? How many rosaries, novenas, prayers?”
“No, how much? That’s always how deals get done. For an easy penance, how many rubles would it take to build that rectory?”
“You will make America ‘grate.’ Spelled like ‘hate.’ Forgive us all! Amen!”