Australia’s Latest Doggygate Scandal: A Land Without Biebers (1/2)

A few days ago, Johnny Depp finally threw his cutlass out of the pram about being threatened last month by the unaccountable Canberra/E-Street/Ramsay Street/Ramsbottom Street/Summer Bay/Richmond Hill regime:

Unanticipated, obscurely tedious Australian soap opera references? Well, you can’t say we don’t push the boat out for our research here at GlossyNews!

However, it gets worse.

Yup! Hot on the heels (!) of Johnny Depp’s recent Doggygate™ scandal, Australia is hit by a new controversy surrounding irregular visitors illegally entering the country.

(Well, I think Australia does technically count as a country, right?)

Still, when I say ‘irregular visitors illegally entering the country,’ I’m not talking about what you think.

Nope! One notable public figure in Australia doesn’t have a problem with Obamadrones illegally crossing borders:

Keep ‘em coming, mate! Few more dead brown Bogans ain’t gonna affect our international reputation or trading opportunities that much!

But what’s the heinous crime of which I speak, if it’s not drone assassinations?

I am referring, of course, to the arrest of Justin Bieber’s dog…

Who is faced with the weighty charge of bringing Justin Bieber into Australia without permission, thus seriously lowering the previously immaculate artistic reputation of a nation renowned for more achingly classy music…

Like Holly Valance, Natalie Imbruglia, Rolf Harris, and the Home and Away theme tune; rather than the mainstream crap you’re all hearing in the charts nowadays.

Yes, it seems the days of Barry Crocker are long behind us!


Oh. Well, me neither.

Still, the vile felony in question almost destroyed this notable aesthetic country.

Hey mate, it’s not a country, I hear our buddies at the UN are going to agree to call it the ‘Australasian Subcontinent of Edgy Wobbleboard Emancipatory Practice,’ as that is a better recognition of the weighty role our nation’s catchy aesthetic humanitarian interventions are making in the increasingly bonzer Global Order of our times.

Good luck with that one.

I mean, sure, it won’t do you any good. But it probably won’t do you any harm either…

Given Australia’s current meagre geopolitical status as a 52-grade Beltway lapdog that makes the UK look self-assertive and independent.

In any case; rumour has it the vicious felon in question, Fatima Gaga, had been wanting to explore the boundless wastelands of Australia, in the hope of mating up with and sticking his bone in the antipodean wildlife.

I’m actually a really, REALLY nice, scruffy, mangy-ass, rat-stenching, flea-ridden hound!

whines ‘a dog named Fatima.’

The Australian government had initially warned Fatima that normally dogs are not allowed to just turn up in Australia and start banging the shite out of the local canine community…

Because it’s a bit anti-social…

And because many of the dogs that illegally fly in from abroad carry contagious diseases that only

loony lefty politically correct types who want to single-handedly tear our traditional, age-old, white Australian permanent heterosexual monogamy a new arsehole, and turn us into some kind of savage alienated desert wasteland

deserve to get.

Still, this dog was cute enough, within reason. So, they thought they’d let him visit just this once, provided there was some kind of concretely specifiable and quantifiable quid pro quo.

But what happened when they actually did touch down on the holy and sanctified soil of Abbott’s Australia?

Find out next time.

P.S. I am enough of an expert (just about) to know that Johnny Depp is wrong in the meme above, when he says “Jim Daniels” instead of “Jim Robinson.”
So clearly, unlike pretty much any professional actor in the mainstream cinematic industry, GlossyNews are the absolutely go-to experts on notable Australian artistic productions.



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