Entire Glossy News Team Arrested On False Prostitution Charges (1)

The End of The Truth?

Glossynews, as you all no doubt agree (merely because WE say so; reason enough, right?!), is the single most… sorry, the SINGLE AND SOLE respected media outlet in the world.

Well, in a world filled with MSNBC Socialist/Liberal-Corporatist agitprop and the South-Park- Libertarianism/Beltway-Market-Hipsterism of Fox News, it’s clear that there’s only one game in town.

Only one place can be trusted to mingle “the truth” (whatever the Hell that means) with an immaculately noble Socratic “lie” (or as we prefer to call it, telling “the people” what “they” want to hear).

But unfortunately, the last bastion of media integrity, of objectivity, and of making-shit-up-on-the-spot has just been conquered by malign forces.

Well, never mind Fox’s somewhat dubious accusations that the “gay lobby” are constantly glitter-bombing their reporters to the point of making it impossible to wield their microphones in comfort in front of solid, God-fearing godly folks.

And to hell with MSNBC’s multi-trillion dollar laments about if only big corporations would get the hell out of ordinary people’s lives and ordinary people’s living rooms, everything would just be fine (Oh! Whoopsie! Should that be certain 1%er Ivy League university SJW common rooms?)

Nah. The only ones who will give it to you fresh, free and unadulterated without uptight, highly strung socialist scruples™ (nor indeed, uptight, sexually frustrated Moral Majority scruples™) is Glossy News.

Who Killed The Media?

Yet, sadly, the entire Glossy News Team has just been arrested for prostitution.

We should have known. It all started when a certain troublemaking hack called Dexter Sinistri (real name Reginald Perelandra Shatner Bon Cameron) started making some exposés (shit, excuse the momentary lapse into a degree of egregious linguistic Euroweeniness) about various esteemed figures being arrested for various misdemeanours…

You know, like the Vast-Right-Wing-Conspirators who sneaked into Monica Lewinsky’s house and stained her dress with a cheap-ass imitation of non-diet Pepsi…

Or the evil vast Republican cynics who concocted a fake recording of Rod Blagojevich saying things no humane and progressive establishment Democratic senator would actually say…

Unless, of course, he was on crack… but then we know all good Dems do not inhale…

Or indeed, accusing poor Fred Phelps of homophobia, when he was only directly quoting some carefully selected passages™ out of King James 1611, thus falling foul of Euroweenie “hate speech” legislation…

Or indeed, a certain prominent Republican figure being arrested for semi-consensual farmyard prostitution (not gonna name him here, in case he has paid for some bastard Euroweenie super-injunction).

But the crapload of unjustified and speculative accusations of prostitution (some even relating to surprising figures who are arbitrarily and unfairly alleged to have starred in mainstream European children’s television some decades ago) has ended up in an innumerable coalition of malign axis forces™ conspiring to get the entire Glossy News team arrested on trumped-up charges of pimping ourselves out…

Albeit not to each other, which is at least a mild crumb of comfort…

Well, actually the opposite of “comfort,” but you know what I mean.

The End of Liberty

Glossy News editor Brian K. White, real name Ayn Paul Machiavelli Von Sharpton*@Reagan@(/)Kissinger-Norquistdevilliers (sic), sobbed:

I just never thought you could be held accountable for making up bullshit. I mean, this is not how it’s supposed to be. The Founding Fathers didn’t say nothing about this!…

I mean, it’s literally worse than the Soviet Union or even Reagan’s America. Every day, people come out with crap in the media, all over the world; and why are WE the only ones who ever get in trouble, EVER?… I TELL YA!

I mean, we figured, rightly or wrongly, (what’s the difference, anyways?!), that leaking all these speculative accounts of prostitution was actually DOING THESE GUYS A FAVOUR!

Well, y’know, after people hit the peak of their stellar soap opera, X-factor or political celebrity career, they’re always grateful to have at least SOMETHING said about them, no matter WHAT, and just get some GOD-DAMN COVERAGE!!!!!!

I mean, you ever hear of Celebrity Survivor or Dancing with the Stars?… Ohhh, It’s just SO frickin’ UNGRATEFUL!

No… you know, NO ridicule is bad ridicule, once you hit those lean years; ask George Galloway when he was dry-licking-out Runa Lensky (kind of) on Celebrity Big Brother. Oh, it’s just too much to bear! Boo-hoo-hoooooo!

Pretentiously Tantalising Interlude

Is this the end of Glossynews? And who was behind this nefarious plot?…

Was it the ubiquitous “homosexual lobby?”

The possibly more sneaky, arguably somewhat under-recognised, and certainly more actually-existent “heterosexual lobby?”

The MTV-Lifestyle-Advisor’s-Far-Left-Revolutionary-RINO-Committee?

The Christian-Dominionist-Conspicuously-Right-wing-Menace?

Donald Trump?

Donald Duck?

Donald Rumsfeld?

Don Quixote de la Mancha?

Vanilla Ice?

Or even the secret gang of Ungodly Socialist Termites awaiting a godly fumigation from Pat Robertson’s Pest Control Enterprises?

Find out next time. Hold on to your hats…

Entire Glossy News Team Arrested On False Prostitution Charges (2)