2014 “Oscar Oscars” Awarded to Oscar Oscars

The Academy of Motion Picture Tarts and Minuses has announced it’s post Oscar Oscars for 2014.

And the Oscar Oscars go to…

Best Female Performance In A Reprise Role – Jennifer Lawrence for strategically tripping in front of hundreds of media cameras as she exited her Red Carpet limo.

Best Male Performance In An Audition Disguised As An Award Presentation – Vinnie Barberino casting for “Lego 2”.

Best Female Performance in an Audition Disguised as an Award Presentation – Kim Novak casting for “Catwoman – The Dim Twilight Years”.

Worst Execution of a Wardrobe Malfunction and Nipple Slip – Liza Minnelli because what has been seen cannot be unseen. For God’s sake woman, no one needed that. Not even Buster.

Best Acceptance Speech – Lupita Nyongo’o because America likes Oscar speeches from their Supporting Actress winners like they prefer their espresso…short, dark and sweet.

Best Ham Handed Product Placement – Ellen DeJeneres for snapping selfies with an Academy provided Samsung Galaxy then running backstage to Tweet on her IPhone 4.

Best Christian God Tribute – Matthew McConaughey for implying Jesus cares who wins Best Lead Actor 2014.

Best Joke That Will Get Terminally Indignant Panties In A Wad – Ellen after implying Liza Minnelli was a drag queen impersonator and saying “Good job sir”.

Worst Christian God Tribute – Matthew McConaughey for saying “If God is your friend then you are your best friend”. WTF does that mean. Seriously. Bring on the snakes, at least I can see them.

Most Syrupy Acceptance Speech – Jared Leto because larding shug shug on your family for 74 seconds is commendable, but who needs diabetes.

Best Performance Eliciting Strange Audience Reactions – Pharrell Williams for getting Meryl Streep to shake her tits like a dollar pole stripper.

Best Maneuvering Around PR Minefields – Cate Blanchett for limiting feint praise on alleged serial child molester Woody Allen.

Best Performance In A Canadian-Like Demonstration Of Inferiority – Cate Blanchett for reminding us Paul Hogan also came from Australia.

Best Spike Lee Commemorative “Respect The Neighborhood Whitey” Performance – Pink. Thought she would fuck up “Over the Rainbow” but she did okay. Kudos bitch. Liza Minnelli’s mom would be proud.

Author: deeptrout

The less I say the safer I'll be.

11 thoughts on “2014 “Oscar Oscars” Awarded to Oscar Oscars

  1. The hat thing is his signature, like Travolta’s plugs. He’s putting it up at auction for charity. People keep talking about Traboltos hairpiece, but it sure looked like a plug job to me.

  2. Meryl Streep shaking her tits was indeed amusing. Of course, the giant hat on that singer was ridiculous. I suppose it’s a case of peacocking: a male distinguishes himself from the pack by showing that he still manages to attract women even with the handicap of a ludicrous hat on top of his head–or with an eye patch or a giant salmon strapped to his leg, or whatever else you can get away with.

    I was amused by Harrison Ford’s overly dramatic introduction of some of the Best Picture nominees. Then when he took a slice of pizza, he did some nice comedy by insisting on a napkin.

  3. Actually Max is wrong, it was a lesbian joke. “Had a pear” not a banana down there? Pear and pair a homonyms? Ellen is, well let’s skip that. But she looks like McFarlane from last year and he’s a guy? He writes Family Guy? She dresses like a guy? Nevermind, bad joke. That why I don’t write, sing or dance. Now that I’ve explained it, even I don’t get it.

  4. Agreed Max. If you screw up hosting the AA it follows you around for life. ED did okay, I was laughing my ass off most of the time. For the most part the AA is a boring 3 hours of self indulgence and gratuitous back slapping. The host carries the entertainment burden.

  5. Best Special Effects: Ellen Degeneres for shoving a camera down her pants to prove she really had a pair for hosting the Oscars again.

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