The Academy of Motion Picture Tarts and Minuses has announced it’s post Oscar Oscars for 2014.
And the Oscar Oscars go to…
Best Female Performance In A Reprise Role – Jennifer Lawrence for strategically tripping in front of hundreds of media cameras as she exited her Red Carpet limo.
Best Male Performance In An Audition Disguised As An Award Presentation – Vinnie Barberino casting for “Lego 2”.
Best Female Performance in an Audition Disguised as an Award Presentation – Kim Novak casting for “Catwoman – The Dim Twilight Years”.
Worst Execution of a Wardrobe Malfunction and Nipple Slip – Liza Minnelli because what has been seen cannot be unseen. For God’s sake woman, no one needed that. Not even Buster.
Best Acceptance Speech – Lupita Nyongo’o because America likes Oscar speeches from their Supporting Actress winners like they prefer their espresso…short, dark and sweet.
Best Ham Handed Product Placement – Ellen DeJeneres for snapping selfies with an Academy provided Samsung Galaxy then running backstage to Tweet on her IPhone 4.
Best Christian God Tribute – Matthew McConaughey for implying Jesus cares who wins Best Lead Actor 2014.
Best Joke That Will Get Terminally Indignant Panties In A Wad – Ellen after implying Liza Minnelli was a drag queen impersonator and saying “Good job sir”.
Worst Christian God Tribute – Matthew McConaughey for saying “If God is your friend then you are your best friend”. WTF does that mean. Seriously. Bring on the snakes, at least I can see them.
Most Syrupy Acceptance Speech – Jared Leto because larding shug shug on your family for 74 seconds is commendable, but who needs diabetes.
Best Performance Eliciting Strange Audience Reactions – Pharrell Williams for getting Meryl Streep to shake her tits like a dollar pole stripper.
Best Maneuvering Around PR Minefields – Cate Blanchett for limiting feint praise on alleged serial child molester Woody Allen.
Best Performance In A Canadian-Like Demonstration Of Inferiority – Cate Blanchett for reminding us Paul Hogan also came from Australia.
Best Spike Lee Commemorative “Respect The Neighborhood Whitey” Performance – Pink. Thought she would fuck up “Over the Rainbow” but she did okay. Kudos bitch. Liza Minnelli’s mom would be proud.