Muppet Agenda Leads to Loose Jell-O Complacence

First we had to deal with the Diaper Industrial Complex, then the Hardline Pro-Potty Training Movement. Now I have to deal with the Muppet Agenda and the influence it has on people around me. It’s bad enough they teach kids that a pig stalking a frog is “kind of cute” but now they’re attacking our table manners.Muppet Agenda Leads to Loose Jell-O Complacence

That’s where I draw the line. Sure, I laughed when Gonzo was blown up, when Fozzy was booed off the stage and when Ernie finally had to break up with Bert (cookies in bed without sharing would bother me too), but is not a laughing matter.

Sure, I laughed, though only because it was funny and it seemed like the right thing to do. The seed was planted however, and the next time I saw Jell-O, my table erupted into a wigglefest of assorted color. Is the sort of life lesson we want puppets teaching our children?* that gelatinous snacks are more for play than they are for nutrition?

Jell-O is not actually nutritious, sure, but that doesn’t automatically make it a toy.

Take the 1999 fan favorite (and box office bummer) “Muppets From Space” starring seasoned veterans like Kermit and Animal, alongside newer stars like Rizzo and Pepe the Prawn. Pepe is nothing more than a class clown who hams it up to steal the show. Which class? Crustacion I think. How ham? Bacon wrapped shrimp, I’m pretty sure.

He only has a few lines in the brief-but-feature-length film, but every one of them is a zinger delivered with masterful craft, and then comes the “loose Jell-O” incident, and it’s no laughing matter.

“I’ve got some loose Jell-O, okay?” asks Pepe the Prawn. Well maybe its okay for you, Pepe, but it is not okay for the savages who see your film and think they’ll be “cool” like you and wiggle their jiggly palm-loads of Jell-O while sniggering like Tickle Me Elmo.

Is what we want for our future? I think the liberal, pro-puppet agenda has had a free ride long enough. Demand accountability from puppeteers and ventriloquists. The Jell-O must be contained!

* When I say “our children”, I don’t mean yours and mine, because you and I don’t have children. I also don’t mean mine with someone else, because I’ve never seriously dated anyone and, with how small I am, I’m afraid my child would be much smaller still. I might lose that child. I meant “our children” as to mean society’s children.

 

Author: Dominic Benjamin

Dominic Benjamin set the world record as the youngest journalist when he delivered his first news segment from inside the womb. In the years since then he's published hundreds of articles on topics ranging from toys to politics, and grown almost as many teeth as he's subsequently lost. You can read more of his work on Perplexing Times or Montana with Kids. Also, he really likes candy.

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? USE THIS COMMENTS SECTION TO PUT THE WORLD TO RIGHTS...