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Wall Street Banks’ Financial Dealings Stump the Lord Almighty

Wall Street Banks’ Financial Dealings Stump the Lord Almighty

Dateline: NEW YORK—A cabal of Wall Street bankers runs a global crime syndicate that buys the regulators of their industry, rigs the rules of the market, and uses convoluted financial instruments and bogus mathematical models to siphon cash from the majority of people in modern economies, according to many experts.

However, no judge or jury has convicted the bankers of any crime, because no one other than the bankers understands exactly how they’re doing what they’re doing. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Religionism3 Comments

“Old Man” Winter Relinquishes Control to Son Biff

“Old Man” Winter Relinquishes Control to Son Biff

Old Man Winter has reportedly turned over operational control of the winter season to his son, Biff according to sources close to the personification of nature.

Citing health issues, Old Man Winter made the announcement in late November and his overly ambitious son has wasted no time in establishing complete control over the frigid manifestation.

After first declaring himself president and CEO of Winter, Inc. Biff Winter called a news conference early this morning to confirm that he indeed has the reins of all daily operations. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Environment11 Comments

Drug Makers Reintroduce Measles to America

Drug Makers Reintroduce Measles to America

Spokespersons for GlaxoSmithKline, Merk, Pfizer and other makers of immunization therapies stated today that the pharmaceutical industry is reintroducing the measles virus to America.

“The measles virus was eradicated throughout most of the world”, said Pfizer spokesperson Juliette Riposs. “Fewer people were having their children vaccinated and this was cutting into our profit margin!”

Riposs reminded consumers that the pharmaceutical industry controls not only the vaccines but also the virus itself. In order to remain profitable the industry has either reintroduced viruses or genetically modified them so as they once again become a serious threat.

“If we really wanted to cure people of viruses we’ve had a cure for all of them for years (see http://web.mit.edu/newsoffice/2011/antiviral-0810.html) but there’s no profit in a cure!” said Merk Product Director Jamie Silverito. “It’s much more cost effective and profitable to treat the symptoms!”

A spokesperson for Vicks Inc stated, “do you think anyone is going to buy Vape-o-Rub or sinus medicine if they never get a cold or the flu? Hell no!”

Jack Lew, the US Secretary of the Treasury, reminded Americans that the pharmaceutical industry is keeping the U.S. Solvent, creates jobs for millions of workers, stimulates the economy and prevents financial disaster.

“You can take your liberal pansy bullshit and stuff it down the crapper” Lew told the media. “We need money and the pharmaceutical industry knows how to make it. Get your kid vaccinated. Contribute some money to the economy. Or else your kids will get measles!”

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Posted in Biz News, Top Stories0 Comments

Insider Opens Shelter for Regretful and Embittered Advertisers

Insider Opens Shelter for Regretful and Embittered Advertisers

Dateline: NEW YORK—Hugo “Sellout” Slickster, a recovering ex-advertiser, opened The Center for Alienated and Cynical Advertisers (CACA).

Its mission is to provide support for advertisers who are withdrawn and embittered because their job forces them to dehumanize consumers and thus themselves. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Human Interest0 Comments

Dispelling the Myths About Seatac’s $15 Minimum Wage

Dispelling the Myths About Seatac’s $15 Minimum Wage

I’ve been active with the Yes on Prop One (Seatac’s citizen initative to raise minimum wage for airport workers to $15/hr) since I signed the petition. There are a lot of myths and misconceptions out there, so let’s clear them up.

First of all, I do not work for the campaign, and I never have. I do not get paid to write about this, nor have I ever. I don’t work at the airport, so my personal wages will not see any change because of this. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Politics2 Comments

Forget Black Friday, It’s Time for Red, White & Blue Friday

Forget Black Friday, It’s Time for Red, White & Blue Friday

We spend so much time working like hell to spend so much money buying worthless crap made in China to impress people we might not even like. This year, let’s skip the sweatshop goods and buy local to make Christmas truly great.

You’ve got a few bucks to spend, you want to get something that’s really special, well newsflash! America has that in spades.

You don’t need to seek landfill-quality goods from abroad to make this holiday season special. You can spend the same amount of money and get American made goods to make an even bigger splash, and here’s how. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Society2 Comments

Woman Chops Off Finger to Avoid Workplace Safety Rally

Woman Chops Off Finger to Avoid Workplace Safety Rally

SAN FRANCISCO, California – A cafeteria employee cut off one of her own fingers with a butcher’s knife in an “act of desperation” after a co-worker reminded her that 99 days had elapsed since someone had been injured in a workplace accident.

“Whenever we go 100 days without an accident, we ‘celebrate’ by having one of those stupid safety rallies,” said Haruko Anaka, explaining the reason for her drastic action in the employee cafeteria. “I just didn’t think I could make it through another one.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Human Interest0 Comments

The Consumer Credit Freeze is Real

The Consumer Credit Freeze is Real

I had perfect credit 20 years ago. I leveraged it to make a mint, on paper, before everything went south. It all went south over 15 years ago, but credit is still frozen.

Average consumers simply cannot obtain credit. Even those above average struggle. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News1 Comment

Blowback from Koch Story from (Un)likely A-Hole

Blowback from Koch Story from (Un)likely A-Hole

We recently ran a story about the infamous Koch brothers’ wealth. Their wealth has increased $33 billion since the horrible Obama took office, but apparently that’s not enough of a story for some random jackass from the internet.

So let’s give “Kevin from Connecticut” his fair ounce of air time. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Politics0 Comments

Nine Nasty Reasons to Never Shop at Best Buy

Nine Nasty Reasons to Never Shop at Best Buy

It would be too easy to go into the daily fraud perpetrated by suckering trusting customers into buying gold-plated HDMI cables. Sure, they sell cables at 5,000% markup on the odd hour, but that aside, they’re terrible, incompetent and wholly inept.

I’ll take just my latest purchase as an example. It’s a Samsung Galaxy Tab 2.0 with 16GB memory. Pretty nice… then we bought it. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Gadgets & Gizmos1 Comment

Adorable Indianapolis Desperately Trying to Convince Nation It a Major City

Adorable Indianapolis Desperately Trying to Convince Nation It a Major City

INDIANAPOLIS – As the Super Bowl nears its conclusion, the quite adorable city of Indianapolis is still desperately trying to convince the rest of the country that it is a major metropolis.

Pulling in thousands of football fans from the east coast, the cute little city has seen huge crowds in the city center over the last two weeks, something that city officials are reluctant to admit is actually something of a rarity. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News2 Comments

Walmart Discontinues Slim, Regular Cuts in Favor of Husky Sizes

Walmart Discontinues Slim, Regular Cuts in Favor of Husky Sizes

Walmart, the undisputed reigning purveyor of plus-sized clothes in America at any price, has announced this week that they will discontinue sales of “slim” and “regular” cuts in favor of an all-husky line of clothing.

“It just makes sense,” says Amanda Youcantusemyname. “Over 97% of our sales is in husky sizes, and most of the slim and regular clothes end up donated to charities who can’t even use them because people just aren’t built like that in America.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News2 Comments

Full-Time Mom ‘Looking to Go Part-Time’

Full-Time Mom ‘Looking to Go Part-Time’

INDIANAPOLIS – Full-time mother of three, Stephanie Grantham, 22, has indicated to friends and relatives that she is about to go part-time in an effort to advance her dwindling social life.

Miss Grantham, who has spent 5 years managing her children’s daily lives on a rolling seven day week, says she is looking to reduce her hours so that she can spend more time concentrating on shopping, hanging out with friends and consuming alcohol. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News0 Comments

Architects Debate Positive Uses of Nerve Gas

Architects Debate Positive Uses of Nerve Gas

Today in Geneva the International Architects Association (the I. A. ASS) met to discuss their position on the use of nerve gas in warfare. Two factions have argued repeatedly about the issue, but never adopting a formal stance to lobby the United Nations for action.

Spokesman for I. A. ASS, Thomas Buildungsroman, said, “It is obvious we need to come to a consensus to move forward.” The heart of issue is the preservation of architectural sites. Nerve gas kills all the residents and leaves all the buildings intact. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, War Zone0 Comments

Established, High-Karma Reddit Accounts Being Sold

Established, High-Karma Reddit Accounts Being Sold

Apparently your karma is worth more than you know. All those years of clicking and commenting on stories, maybe they’re actually worth something. One site has Reddit accounts for sale, and they’re not shy about it.

ThePublicityFirm.com says “We have a few Reddit accounts for sale. Yes, you can buy an existing Reddit account from us. They range in age from 1-4 years with total karma between 15,000 and 40,000.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Internets Tubes0 Comments

TGIT – Thank God It’s Tuesday

TGIT – Thank God It’s Tuesday

Last November and December, I experienced some shortened work weeks thanks to the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays. Both holidays were preceded by shortened three-day work weeks, so I had to be extremely focused, making efficient use of every minute of every work day.

I cut way back on the amount of time I would otherwise spend watching lame YouTube videos involving practical jokes where some unsuspecting dude gets kicked in the family jewels (I can never get enough of that highbrow humor). Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Opinion/Editorial0 Comments

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