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Architects Debate Positive Uses of Nerve Gas

Architects Debate Positive Uses of Nerve Gas

Today in Geneva the International Architects Association (the I. A. ASS) met to discuss their position on the use of nerve gas in warfare. Two factions have argued repeatedly about the issue, but never adopting a formal stance to lobby the United Nations for action.

Spokesman for I. A. ASS, Thomas Buildungsroman, said, “It is obvious we need to come to a consensus to move forward.” The heart of issue is the preservation of architectural sites. Nerve gas kills all the residents and leaves all the buildings intact. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, War Zone0 Comments

Established, High-Karma Reddit Accounts Being Sold

Established, High-Karma Reddit Accounts Being Sold

Apparently your karma is worth more than you know. All those years of clicking and commenting on stories, maybe they’re actually worth something. One site has Reddit accounts for sale, and they’re not shy about it.

ThePublicityFirm.com says “We have a few Reddit accounts for sale. Yes, you can buy an existing Reddit account from us. They range in age from 1-4 years with total karma between 15,000 and 40,000.” Continue Reading

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TGIT – Thank God It’s Tuesday

TGIT – Thank God It’s Tuesday

Last November and December, I experienced some shortened work weeks thanks to the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays. Both holidays were preceded by shortened three-day work weeks, so I had to be extremely focused, making efficient use of every minute of every work day.

I cut way back on the amount of time I would otherwise spend watching lame YouTube videos involving practical jokes where some unsuspecting dude gets kicked in the family jewels (I can never get enough of that highbrow humor). Continue Reading

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Guy Who Otherwise Wouldn’t Give Two Shits About You Would Like to Know How that Food is Tasting

Guy Who Otherwise Wouldn’t Give Two Shits About You Would Like to Know How that Food is Tasting

INDIANAPOLIS – Despite not really giving a flying fuck about you or your shitty feelings, Applebee’s server and part time student Josh Penticuff would really like to know how those chicken dippers are working out for you today.

Penticuff, who has never made your acquaintance before and has absolutely no intention of doing so in the future, thinks you’re probably a total fucking jackass but is willing, nonetheless, to go out of his way to bring you some blue ranch with that. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Society0 Comments

General Mills Out of Egypt: We’re Not Coup-Coup for These Cocoa Puffs

General Mills Out of Egypt: We’re Not Coup-Coup for These Cocoa Puffs

International food conglomerate and global diabetes proponent General Mills this week announced that they’ll be shuttering operations in Egypt, following unrest, citing “things to cuckoo even for us.”

The 2nd largest buyer of corn syrup in the history of the world announced this week that they’ll suspend manufacturing of “hearty, nutritious, vitamin fortified breakfast cereals” in the “land of three massive pyramids” citing unrest, looting, and to the least extent, the burning down of their factory. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, World News0 Comments

Business Lesson #58 – Help your employees make better decisions. Remove all restrooms

Business Lesson #58 – Help your employees make better decisions. Remove all restrooms

Periodically Glossy News asks me to don my business consultant hat (a stylish Italian grey fedora) to share innovative business strategies to grow your business and improve your employees’ productivity.

As a sought-after business process improvement expert and author of the popular business handbook, Stop Tasering Your Team – and 50 Other Strategies to Improve Employee Morale, I can help businesses prosper – if only they’d stop and listen to me for once. Continue Reading

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Why grow your business when you can optimize your real-time ROI yield

Why grow your business when you can optimize your real-time ROI yield

I’ve spent the better part of the past 25 years (and the worse part as well) in sales and marketing. One thing that has always impressed me in checking out the marketing collateral and the web sites of the major industry front runners is how I have absolutely no idea what they actually do.

You see, smart marketers learned a long time ago, that when it comes to beating the competition, you don’t have to build a better mousetrap. You just have to know how to market it better. And that starts with the words you use to describe your products and services. Continue Reading

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Guy Who Sort of Looks Like Stephen King Makes Extra Cash Brooding in Corner at Corporate Events

Guy Who Sort of Looks Like Stephen King Makes Extra Cash Brooding in Corner at Corporate Events

BOSTON—The employees of Boston Consulting Group were treated to a special guest at the latest corporate event held by the renowned management consulting firm.

It was only within the first few moments of the evening that those lucky enough to attend first noticed what appeared to be none other than famed horror writer Stephen King sitting at a corner table, appearing withdrawn and internally tortured.

Eagle-eyed guests soon realized it was in fact part-time welder and local Stephen King impersonator Buddy Frenkel. Continue Reading

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Report Finds That Friday Just Needs to Hurry Up and Get Here Already

Report Finds That Friday Just Needs to Hurry Up and Get Here Already

UNITED STATES – According to an unconfirmed report, Friday – the day generally considered to be the end of the work week – just cannot get here damn-near quick enough.

Even though the day of Friday – like every other day of its kind – takes just seven days to cycle around each week, there is a strong feeling inside every business across the country that the day should just hurry the heck up already, damn it! Continue Reading

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Business Lesson #61: Hug your way to business success

Business Lesson #61: Hug your way to business success

Welcome to installment #61 in Glossy News’ periodic series of business lessons on how you can take your business to never-before-imagined levels of success.

In this challenging economy, companies are forced to do more with less and continue to look for ways to squeeze efficiencies, often by means of painful layoffs and other draconian cost controls. The management at Glossy News has a better idea: Hug your company’s way to success. Continue Reading

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Walmart Introduces New Signage to Help Customers Locate Existing Signage

Walmart Introduces New Signage to Help Customers Locate Existing Signage

INDIANAPOLIS – Retail giant Walmart has rolled out a brand new idea to install helpful signage to guide customers in the direction of existing signage.

The plan, which was tested across select national stores yesterday, is viewed as a solution to what some consumers describe as an “overwhelming maze.”

RIGHT: Click the image to read the whole joke… kinda got cut off there, sorry.

“Every time I go into Walmart, it takes me 15 minutes just to find a bag of Meow Mix,” said Linda Horton, a resident of Indianapolis. “It takes me even longer to find the sign that points me in the direction of the pet food.” Continue Reading

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Major banks agree to principle reduction, lower interest

Major banks agree to principle reduction, lower interest

U.S. homeowners struggling to make payments on mortgages worth as much as three times the value of their home were astonished to learn that their banks had decided to offer principle reduction and lower interest.

“We’ve been negotiating for years and the banks have been unwilling to budge” said Deepa N. Dette from Salem Quick, Wisconsin. “Now this? What does it mean?”

To answer this question, I spoke to Hugh Reilly-Kairs, spokesperson for the American Banking Oligarchy: Continue Reading

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Indiana Man Fired for Violating Company Policy, Secretary

Indiana Man Fired for Violating Company Policy, Secretary

INDIANAPOLIS – An inner city accounting firm has terminated the contract of one of its senior staff members after it was discovered that the 39-year-old had violated both the terms of his contract and the company’s female secretary.

Michael Joyner – a certified public accountant of 11 years – was instantly dismissed by J.N Holbrook Ltd Monday when it was discovered that he had abused sections 1.0.2 and 2.6.3 of the company’s disclosure forms as well as Nancy from the first floor. Continue Reading

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Business Lesson #83: What to do when your customers complain

Business Lesson #83: What to do when your customers complain

Corporations do a lot of things well, but one thing that some of them could use a little help with is how to say I’m sorry when they screw up. Historically, like George Bush, most companies are not very good at saying “I’m sorry. I screwed up.”

Recently some very familiar names have been getting a lot of practice in the fine art of the apology: Toyota, BP, Goldman Sachs, Apple Computers, anyone who has ever held public office in the state of Louisiana, and for anyone in Seattle who follows baseball, the 2013 Seattle Mariners. You see, corporations aren’t perfect. They’re human, just like you and me (at least according to the U.S. Supreme Court). Continue Reading

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Business Lesson #84 – How to write an apology letter to upset customers

Business Lesson #84 – How to write an apology letter to upset customers

Last week, we talked about how to handle situations when your customers complain about a product defect, such as, “How come when I use your curling iron, it turns causes my hair to evaporate?” Of course the best policy is to blame the problem on the customer or someone else – when in doubt blame it on al Qaeda terrorists … or Congress.

When all else fails you may have no choice but to eat crow and admit some eensy weensy tiny bit of responsibility for the problem, such as “in rare cases, some inconclusive studies have suggested that there could be a remote chance – and by remote we mean almost less than 50% – that our artificial sweetener could cause an eensy weensy tiny bit of permanent blindness and complete hearing loss in Hispanics and Pacific Islanders under the age of 70.”

In these situations, you need to craft a very carefully worded, earnest and sincere corporate apology letter – one that comes from the heart, with sincerity and earnestness – preferably ghostwritten by a professional apology letter writer in a high-priced Manhattan PR firm, who knows just the right caring words to say in order to avoid a costly class action lawsuit.

When crafting your company’s sincere official apology letter to customers, make sure it contains all of the following six elements:

defective chemistry setElement One: State your company’s previously untarnished reputation for quality. Okay, say you’re sending out this letter to 60,000 customers because it turns out that your Junior Chemist toddlers’ play set included enough radioactive plutonium in each kit to build a miniature nuclear bomb. Regardless of what the cluster f*ck is that your quality control team created, you must always start your letter by proudly declaring this sort of problem has never happened before in the 108-year history of your company. (It does not matter that your company started in 2007.) Make up compelling statistics about how your company has always had a 99.5% customer satisfaction every year since 1955. Mention that in annual consumer satisfaction polls, your company was voted “The company customers would most like to hug” three times in the past five years. Be sure to include a footnote to the survey. (Don’t worry. Nobody will ever actually bother to look up this survey. Who has the time?)

Element Two: Mention your rigorous quality control procedures. Discuss how you use industry-leading safety testing procedures to ensure against the slightest possibility of product malfunctions. Mention how you disassemble and re-assemble every single piece nine times to be sure it is easy to assemble and disassemble. Don’t forget to mention that your products proudly say MADE IN AMERICA on every label – people love it when they think you’re patriotic. Don’t reveal that in actuality, everything other than the MADE IN AMERICA label was made in Taiwan.

Element Three: Apologize. This must be limited to not more than ten words maximum. I suggest something like “If you were not completely happy, we sincerely apologize.” To go on any further might imply that you actually felt bad about what happened or that you thought your company actually did something wrong. And you don’t want to leave your product liability attorneys with that impression.

Element Four: Tell them what you plan to do to fix the problem. This is where you state that you are committed to spending whatever amount of money it takes to ensure this problem never happens again (up to a maximum of $250.00) and that you will keep them posted about the improvements you make. Oh, don’t worry. You won’t actually have to spend money on improving your systems, processes and procedures. Just put into the budget a line item for say, $150,000, for the purpose of ensuring that in the future, the wheels on the Little Missy training wheels don’t fall off anymore. This line item will eventually get axed due to budget cuts and downsizing, and pretty soon everybody will have moved on to more important issues, like how your company is going to solve the problem of spontaneous combustion of your Little Missy “Hug Me” dolls.

Element Five: Thank them for being a customer. Offer them a cheesy gift. Thank them profusely for bringing this product defect issue to your attention and reiterate how grateful you are to have them as a customer. Create the impression that you are sincere by inserting their name repeatedly like this:

“MR. CRENSHAW, we at [Your company name here] want to thank you, MR. CRENSHAW, for being MR. CRENSHAW and for purchasing the Johnny Chainsaw play toy for your five-year old. We sincerely apologize to you, MR. CRENSHAW, for the small problem of the chainsaw starting on its own when the room temperature exceeds 53 degrees, and pledge to you, MR. CRENSHAW, to fix this problem immediately. Did we mention that we appreciate your business, MR. CRENSHAW?”

Hello Kitty mugThen be sure to include a lovely gift (and by “lovely gift” I mean those Hello Kitty coffee mugs in your warehouse that had the defective handle so you could not sell them) as your way of thanking them for their business. Or perhaps you could include a coupon for a free upgrade to the Johnny Chainsaw DELUXE model guaranteed not to self-start automatically at any temperature!! And then include a brief explanation of the 17-step process required for redemption of their gift coupon, including the requirement to provide five cereal box tops and copies of their previous four years’ tax returns. And in fine print, remember to state “Allow 18 – 24 months for delivery.”

Element Six: Tell them how they can get more information. In an effort to show that you want to answer all their questions, I recommend you include a short series of FAQ’s like this:

Q: What if I don’t receive my Johnny Chainsaw DELUXE play set within 18 – 24 months? What do I do then?

A: in the unlikely event that you have still remembered about this offer 18 to 24 months from now and still have not received your Johnny Chainsaw Deluxe play set, call our toll-free customer service hotline at 1-800-URSCRUDE and they will be happy to check on the status of your shipment.

call center adYou of course don’t actually have to staff a customer service hotline. That would be an added staffing expense you certainly can’t afford, thanks to all the lawsuits that have been filed against your company lately as a result of sales of your Fun-tastic Magic Finger Slicer Magical Illusion toy. Simply have all calls go to a voice mail box with an outgoing message that says something like this:

“Thank you for calling [Your company name here]. Currently we are experiencing higher than normal call volumes – because some people are a little upset that our Nutri-Power High Fiber Health Food Snack Bars have been found to cause diarrhea and migraines lasting up to three weeks.” Currently all of our customer service representatives are serving other customers. But your call is important to us. Please leave your name and number and we will call you back within 18 – 24 months.”

Follow these steps the next time your company ends up in a tight spot due to a product or service PR disaster and before you know it, your customer headaches will be leaving in droves.

In closing, we would like to sincerely apologize to those of you who have been reading Glossy News lately and have complained about the quality of our weekly business advice. Rest assured there will be a complete 100% refund of any subscription fees you have paid thus far. For more information on how you can receive your refund, call our customer service department in New Delhi, India on Tuesdays or Thursdays between 2am and 3:15am Eastern time. And be sure to include your previous four years’ tax returns.

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A-Hole from School Wants to Know If You’d Like Extra Lettuce w/ That

A-Hole from School Wants to Know If You’d Like Extra Lettuce w/ That

Documents sharing is possible for bluetooth enabled Samsung Mobile Phone users.

INDIANAPOLIS – Despite spending most of his teen years being an insufferable prick to you and your friends, an asshole you went to school with would now be interested to know if you’d like extra lettuce with that.

Serving you at Jimmy John’s Tuesday, the 27-year-old, who routinely used to spit in your hair during 8th grade biology, stated enthusiastically this afternoon that he would be happy to get you some more napkins. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Human Interest1 Comment

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