Woman Chops Off Finger to Avoid Workplace Safety Rally

SAN FRANCISCO, California – A cafeteria employee cut off one of her own fingers with a butcher’s knife in an “act of desperation” after a co-worker reminded her that 99 days had elapsed since someone had been injured in a workplace accident.

“Whenever we go 100 days without an accident, we ‘celebrate’ by having one of those stupid safety rallies,” said Haruko Anaka, explaining the reason for her drastic action in the employee cafeteria. “I just didn’t think I could make it through another one.” Read more Woman Chops Off Finger to Avoid Workplace Safety Rally

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Blowback from Koch Story from (Un)likely A-Hole

We recently ran a story about the infamous Koch brothers’ wealth. Their wealth has increased $33 billion since the horrible Obama took office, but apparently that’s not enough of a story for some random jackass from the internet.

So let’s give “Kevin from Connecticut” his fair ounce of air time. Read more Blowback from Koch Story from (Un)likely A-Hole

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Nine Nasty Reasons to Never Shop at Best Buy

It would be too easy to go into the daily fraud perpetrated by suckering trusting customers into buying gold-plated HDMI cables. Sure, they sell cables at 5,000% markup on the odd hour, but that aside, they’re terrible, incompetent and wholly inept.

I’ll take just my latest purchase as an example. It’s a Samsung Galaxy Tab 2.0 with 16GB memory. Pretty nice… then we bought it. Read more Nine Nasty Reasons to Never Shop at Best Buy

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Adorable Indianapolis Desperately Trying to Convince Nation It a Major City

INDIANAPOLIS – As the Super Bowl nears its conclusion, the quite adorable city of Indianapolis is still desperately trying to convince the rest of the country that it is a major metropolis.

Pulling in thousands of football fans from the east coast, the cute little city has seen huge crowds in the city center over the last two weeks, something that city officials are reluctant to admit is actually something of a rarity. Read more Adorable Indianapolis Desperately Trying to Convince Nation It a Major City

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Walmart Discontinues Slim, Regular Cuts in Favor of Husky Sizes

Walmart, the undisputed reigning purveyor of plus-sized clothes in America at any price, has announced this week that they will discontinue sales of “slim” and “regular” cuts in favor of an all-husky line of clothing.

“It just makes sense,” says Amanda Youcantusemyname. “Over 97% of our sales is in husky sizes, and most of the slim and regular clothes end up donated to charities who can’t even use them because people just aren’t built like that in America.” Read more Walmart Discontinues Slim, Regular Cuts in Favor of Husky Sizes

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Full-Time Mom ‘Looking to Go Part-Time’

INDIANAPOLIS – Full-time mother of three, Stephanie Grantham, 22, has indicated to friends and relatives that she is about to go part-time in an effort to advance her dwindling social life.

Miss Grantham, who has spent 5 years managing her children’s daily lives on a rolling seven day week, says she is looking to reduce her hours so that she can spend more time concentrating on shopping, hanging out with friends and consuming alcohol. Read more Full-Time Mom ‘Looking to Go Part-Time’

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Architects Debate Positive Uses of Nerve Gas

Today in Geneva the International Architects Association (the I. A. ASS) met to discuss their position on the use of nerve gas in warfare. Two factions have argued repeatedly about the issue, but never adopting a formal stance to lobby the United Nations for action.

Spokesman for I. A. ASS, Thomas Buildungsroman, said, “It is obvious we need to come to a consensus to move forward.” The heart of issue is the preservation of architectural sites. Nerve gas kills all the residents and leaves all the buildings intact. Read more Architects Debate Positive Uses of Nerve Gas

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TGIT – Thank God It’s Tuesday

Last November and December, I experienced some shortened work weeks thanks to the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays. Both holidays were preceded by shortened three-day work weeks, so I had to be extremely focused, making efficient use of every minute of every work day.

I cut way back on the amount of time I would otherwise spend watching lame YouTube videos involving practical jokes where some unsuspecting dude gets kicked in the family jewels (I can never get enough of that highbrow humor). Read more TGIT – Thank God It’s Tuesday

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Guy Who Otherwise Wouldn’t Give Two Shits About You Would Like to Know How that Food is Tasting

INDIANAPOLIS – Despite not really giving a flying fuck about you or your shitty feelings, Applebee’s server and part time student Josh Penticuff would really like to know how those chicken dippers are working out for you today.

Penticuff, who has never made your acquaintance before and has absolutely no intention of doing so in the future, thinks you’re probably a total fucking jackass but is willing, nonetheless, to go out of his way to bring you some blue ranch with that. Read more Guy Who Otherwise Wouldn’t Give Two Shits About You Would Like to Know How that Food is Tasting

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General Mills Out of Egypt: We’re Not Coup-Coup for These Cocoa Puffs

International food conglomerate and global diabetes proponent General Mills this week announced that they’ll be shuttering operations in Egypt, following unrest, citing “things to cuckoo even for us.”

The 2nd largest buyer of corn syrup in the history of the world announced this week that they’ll suspend manufacturing of “hearty, nutritious, vitamin fortified breakfast cereals” in the “land of three massive pyramids” citing unrest, looting, and to the least extent, the burning down of their factory. Read more General Mills Out of Egypt: We’re Not Coup-Coup for These Cocoa Puffs

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Business Lesson #58 – Help your employees make better decisions. Remove all restrooms

Periodically Glossy News asks me to don my business consultant hat (a stylish Italian grey fedora) to share innovative business strategies to grow your business and improve your employees’ productivity.

As a sought-after business process improvement expert and author of the popular business handbook, Stop Tasering Your Team – and 50 Other Strategies to Improve Employee Morale, I can help businesses prosper – if only they’d stop and listen to me for once. Read more Business Lesson #58 – Help your employees make better decisions. Remove all restrooms

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Why grow your business when you can optimize your real-time ROI yield

I’ve spent the better part of the past 25 years (and the worse part as well) in sales and marketing. One thing that has always impressed me in checking out the marketing collateral and the web sites of the major industry front runners is how I have absolutely no idea what they actually do.

You see, smart marketers learned a long time ago, that when it comes to beating the competition, you don’t have to build a better mousetrap. You just have to know how to market it better. And that starts with the words you use to describe your products and services. Read more Why grow your business when you can optimize your real-time ROI yield

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Guy Who Sort of Looks Like Stephen King Makes Extra Cash Brooding in Corner at Corporate Events

BOSTON—The employees of Boston Consulting Group were treated to a special guest at the latest corporate event held by the renowned management consulting firm.

It was only within the first few moments of the evening that those lucky enough to attend first noticed what appeared to be none other than famed horror writer Stephen King sitting at a corner table, appearing withdrawn and internally tortured.

Eagle-eyed guests soon realized it was in fact part-time welder and local Stephen King impersonator Buddy Frenkel. Read more Guy Who Sort of Looks Like Stephen King Makes Extra Cash Brooding in Corner at Corporate Events

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Report Finds That Friday Just Needs to Hurry Up and Get Here Already

UNITED STATES – According to an unconfirmed report, Friday – the day generally considered to be the end of the work week – just cannot get here damn-near quick enough.

Even though the day of Friday – like every other day of its kind – takes just seven days to cycle around each week, there is a strong feeling inside every business across the country that the day should just hurry the heck up already, damn it! Read more Report Finds That Friday Just Needs to Hurry Up and Get Here Already

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Business Lesson #61: Hug your way to business success

Welcome to installment #61 in Glossy News’ periodic series of business lessons on how you can take your business to never-before-imagined levels of success.

In this challenging economy, companies are forced to do more with less and continue to look for ways to squeeze efficiencies, often by means of painful layoffs and other draconian cost controls. The management at Glossy News has a better idea: Hug your company’s way to success. Read more Business Lesson #61: Hug your way to business success

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Walmart Introduces New Signage to Help Customers Locate Existing Signage

INDIANAPOLIS – Retail giant Walmart has rolled out a brand new idea to install helpful signage to guide customers in the direction of existing signage.

The plan, which was tested across select national stores yesterday, is viewed as a solution to what some consumers describe as an “overwhelming maze.”

RIGHT: Click the image to read the whole joke… kinda got cut off there, sorry.

“Every time I go into Walmart, it takes me 15 minutes just to find a bag of Meow Mix,” said Linda Horton, a resident of Indianapolis. “It takes me even longer to find the sign that points me in the direction of the pet food.” Read more Walmart Introduces New Signage to Help Customers Locate Existing Signage

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Major banks agree to principle reduction, lower interest

U.S. homeowners struggling to make payments on mortgages worth as much as three times the value of their home were astonished to learn that their banks had decided to offer principle reduction and lower interest.

“We’ve been negotiating for years and the banks have been unwilling to budge” said Deepa N. Dette from Salem Quick, Wisconsin. “Now this? What does it mean?”

To answer this question, I spoke to Hugh Reilly-Kairs, spokesperson for the American Banking Oligarchy: Read more Major banks agree to principle reduction, lower interest

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Indiana Man Fired for Violating Company Policy, Secretary

INDIANAPOLIS – An inner city accounting firm has terminated the contract of one of its senior staff members after it was discovered that the 39-year-old had violated both the terms of his contract and the company’s female secretary.

Michael Joyner – a certified public accountant of 11 years – was instantly dismissed by J.N Holbrook Ltd Monday when it was discovered that he had abused sections 1.0.2 and 2.6.3 of the company’s disclosure forms as well as Nancy from the first floor. Read more Indiana Man Fired for Violating Company Policy, Secretary

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