Archive | Opinon/Editorial

Why grow your business when you can OPTIMIZE YOUR REAL-TIME ROI YIELD!

Why grow your business when you can OPTIMIZE YOUR REAL-TIME ROI YIELD!

I’ve spent the better part of the past 25 years (and the worse part as well) in sales and marketing. One thing that has always impressed me in checking out the marketing collateral and the web sites of the major industry front runners is how I have absolutely no idea what they actually do.

You see, smart marketers learned a long time ago, that when it comes to beating the competition, you don’t have to build a better mousetrap. You just have to know how to market it better. And that starts with the words you use to describe your products and services. Continue Reading

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Business Lesson #84 – How to write an apology letter to upset customers

Business Lesson #84 – How to write an apology letter to upset customers

Last week, we talked about how to handle situations when your customers complain about a product defect, such as, “How come when I use your curling iron, it turns causes my hair to evaporate?” Of course the best policy is to blame the problem on the customer or someone else – when in doubt blame it on al Qaeda terrorists … or Congress.

When all else fails you may have no choice but to eat crow and admit some eensy weensy tiny bit of responsibility for the problem, such as “in rare cases, some inconclusive studies have suggested that there could be a remote chance – and by remote we mean almost less than 50% – that our artificial sweetener could cause an eensy weensy tiny bit of permanent blindness and complete hearing loss in Hispanics and Pacific Islanders under the age of 70.”

In these situations, you need to craft a very carefully worded, earnest and sincere corporate apology letter – one that comes from the heart, with sincerity and earnestness – preferably ghostwritten by a professional apology letter writer in a high-priced Manhattan PR firm, who knows just the right caring words to say in order to avoid a costly class action lawsuit.

When crafting your company’s sincere official apology letter to customers, make sure it contains all of the following six elements:

defective chemistry setElement One: State your company’s previously untarnished reputation for quality. Okay, say you’re sending out this letter to 60,000 customers because it turns out that your Junior Chemist toddlers’ play set included enough radioactive plutonium in each kit to build a miniature nuclear bomb. Regardless of what the cluster f*ck is that your quality control team created, you must always start your letter by proudly declaring this sort of problem has never happened before in the 108-year history of your company. (It does not matter that your company started in 2007.) Make up compelling statistics about how your company has always had a 99.5% customer satisfaction every year since 1955. Mention that in annual consumer satisfaction polls, your company was voted “The company customers would most like to hug” three times in the past five years. Be sure to include a footnote to the survey. (Don’t worry. Nobody will ever actually bother to look up this survey. Who has the time?)

Element Two: Mention your rigorous quality control procedures. Discuss how you use industry-leading safety testing procedures to ensure against the slightest possibility of product malfunctions. Mention how you disassemble and re-assemble every single piece nine times to be sure it is easy to assemble and disassemble. Don’t forget to mention that your products proudly say MADE IN AMERICA on every label – people love it when they think you’re patriotic. Don’t reveal that in actuality, everything other than the MADE IN AMERICA label was made in Taiwan.

Element Three: Apologize. This must be limited to not more than ten words maximum. I suggest something like “If you were not completely happy, we sincerely apologize.” To go on any further might imply that you actually felt bad about what happened or that you thought your company actually did something wrong. And you don’t want to leave your product liability attorneys with that impression.

Element Four: Tell them what you plan to do to fix the problem. This is where you state that you are committed to spending whatever amount of money it takes to ensure this problem never happens again (up to a maximum of $250.00) and that you will keep them posted about the improvements you make. Oh, don’t worry. You won’t actually have to spend money on improving your systems, processes and procedures. Just put into the budget a line item for say, $150,000, for the purpose of ensuring that in the future, the wheels on the Little Missy training wheels don’t fall off anymore. This line item will eventually get axed due to budget cuts and downsizing, and pretty soon everybody will have moved on to more important issues, like how your company is going to solve the problem of spontaneous combustion of your Little Missy “Hug Me” dolls.

Element Five: Thank them for being a customer. Offer them a cheesy gift. Thank them profusely for bringing this product defect issue to your attention and reiterate how grateful you are to have them as a customer. Create the impression that you are sincere by inserting their name repeatedly like this:

“MR. CRENSHAW, we at [Your company name here] want to thank you, MR. CRENSHAW, for being MR. CRENSHAW and for purchasing the Johnny Chainsaw play toy for your five-year old. We sincerely apologize to you, MR. CRENSHAW, for the small problem of the chainsaw starting on its own when the room temperature exceeds 53 degrees, and pledge to you, MR. CRENSHAW, to fix this problem immediately. Did we mention that we appreciate your business, MR. CRENSHAW?”

Hello Kitty mugThen be sure to include a lovely gift (and by “lovely gift” I mean those Hello Kitty coffee mugs in your warehouse that had the defective handle so you could not sell them) as your way of thanking them for their business. Or perhaps you could include a coupon for a free upgrade to the Johnny Chainsaw DELUXE model guaranteed not to self-start automatically at any temperature!! And then include a brief explanation of the 17-step process required for redemption of their gift coupon, including the requirement to provide five cereal box tops and copies of their previous four years’ tax returns. And in fine print, remember to state “Allow 18 – 24 months for delivery.”

Element Six: Tell them how they can get more information. In an effort to show that you want to answer all their questions, I recommend you include a short series of FAQ’s like this:

Q: What if I don’t receive my Johnny Chainsaw DELUXE play set within 18 – 24 months? What do I do then?

A: in the unlikely event that you have still remembered about this offer 18 to 24 months from now and still have not received your Johnny Chainsaw Deluxe play set, call our toll-free customer service hotline at 1-800-URSCRUDE and they will be happy to check on the status of your shipment.

call center adYou of course don’t actually have to staff a customer service hotline. That would be an added staffing expense you certainly can’t afford, thanks to all the lawsuits that have been filed against your company lately as a result of sales of your Fun-tastic Magic Finger Slicer Magical Illusion toy. Simply have all calls go to a voice mail box with an outgoing message that says something like this:

“Thank you for calling [Your company name here]. Currently we are experiencing higher than normal call volumes – because some people are a little upset that our Nutri-Power High Fiber Health Food Snack Bars have been found to cause diarrhea and migraines lasting up to three weeks.” Currently all of our customer service representatives are serving other customers. But your call is important to us. Please leave your name and number and we will call you back within 18 – 24 months.”

Follow these steps the next time your company ends up in a tight spot due to a product or service PR disaster and before you know it, your customer headaches will be leaving in droves.

In closing, we would like to sincerely apologize to those of you who have been reading Glossy News lately and have complained about the quality of our weekly business advice. Rest assured there will be a complete 100% refund of any subscription fees you have paid thus far. For more information on how you can receive your refund, call our customer service department in New Delhi, India on Tuesdays or Thursdays between 2am and 3:15am Eastern time. And be sure to include your previous four years’ tax returns.

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Dear Nick: The Practical Advice Column

Dear Nick: The Practical Advice Column

I’ve grown disheartened with standard advice columns such as “Dear Abby” and “Ask Amy”. We are all long overdue for a practical advice column with some real-life answers. Here are a few questions and home-spun practical advice from the advice-master NickFun:

Dear Nick,

Our 12-year-old is invited to a school friend’s birthday sleepover. I’ve always had an uneasy feeling the parents don’t supervise their kids very well, and a mom I trust agrees I shouldn’t let my son attend. What do you suggest? And if I say no, how should I explain my decision to him? Sign, Concerned Parent.

Dear Concerned Parent,

The kid’s twelve! He’s not in diapers anymore! Maybe you supervise the kid too much! It’d be good for him to have some fun with his friends without his snoopy parents peeking in his room all the time. Sure, he might have a couple beers or smoke a dube but that’s part of growing up! Stop training him to be a wimp and let him have some fun!

Dear Nick,

My name is Tim and I am 16 years old. My girlfriend is also 16 and she’s trying to pressure me into having sex. I want to wait until I am married. What should I do? Signed Tim.

Dear Tim,

What are you? A homo? Take a look at those two gorgeous jugs! Don’t you want to have your hands on them? Stop jerking off and give her what she wants!

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Maybe the Mayans were right. Religious scholars say gay marriage a sign the end is near.

Maybe the Mayans were right. Religious scholars say gay marriage a sign the end is near.

Experts in ancient Mayan culture recently prophesized that the world would come to a cataclysmic end in 2012, give or take a year or two. They based this on detailed interpretations of the ancient Mayan calendar.

Thanks to President Obama’s shocking revelation last year that he supports the rights of gays and lesbians to marry, these scholars now are even more convinced the Mayans were probably right, even if they were off by a couple years, arguing we’re in the final days before Homoggedon. Continue Reading

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Evil Again Seeps Into Our Lives! (Not the IRS This Time Either)

Evil Again Seeps Into Our Lives! (Not the IRS This Time Either)

Ding dong the witch is back! Blown in by a rouge wind from the north, the bitch whom I literally can’t stand returns.

Even my hopes that the wretched bowel movement of life Roger Ailes would not have any future intent of letting that fact drowning ignorant bitch back on tv have been doused.

The evil talking head spewing nothing but half facts and conjecture returns to continue to fill the empty heads of the brain dead with her distorted and self serving version of history and events. Continue Reading

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Posted in Opinon/Editorial, Politics2 Comments

Editorial: An important message from your cat

Editorial: An important message from your cat

[This week, Glossy News is pleased to introduce Tuxedo, a 23-pound spokescat who has requested to provide this op-ed piece, representing the views of household cats everywhere.]

Hey, owner. This is your cat. There appears to be a little confusion as to just exactly who’s in charge here. I know, I know. You pay the electric bill, pay the insurance (whatever that is), and you buy all the food. That does not make you king of my castle. I’m afraid I’m going to have to go over the ground rules one more time if I’m going to allow you to stay here. Continue Reading

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Glossy News 2013 Predictions: It’s going to snow a lot… somewhere… eventually

Glossy News 2013 Predictions: It’s going to snow a lot… somewhere… eventually

Every year since Glossy News first started publishing during the Truman Administration, we have made bold predictions about the year ahead – in politics, world affairs, pop culture and advances in cutlery.

Our staff possesses an uncanny ability to peer into the future and predict fascinating events no other prognosticators are able to see. The fact that our predictions historically have had about as much chance of coming true as Lady Gaga has of becoming the next Pope is the only small blemish tarnishing our otherwise stellar reputation. Continue Reading

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The Nightmare of Living in America’s Friendliest Town

The Nightmare of Living in America’s Friendliest Town

You might think living in America’s friendliest town must be a fairy tale. Au contraire. It’s a living Hell. Forbes Magazine just came out with its ranking of the Friendliest Towns in America. Coming in at the #1 spot on their list? Sammamish, Washington, my town for the past 22 years. (True.)

Sammamish beat out fierce rivals like Westerville, Ohio, Fishers, Indiana, Lake Wobegon, Hooterville, and the Merry Old Land of Oz for top honors. Forbes’s study ranked towns based on criteria such as crime rate, level of charitable giving, level of civic engagement, and the size of the check the town was willing to pay to Forbes Magazine to get listed as one of America’s friendliest towns. Continue Reading

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Don’t Let Your Dishwasher Destroy Your Marriage

Don’t Let Your Dishwasher Destroy Your Marriage

If you’re like my wife, then after you’ve been married for about two years, you probably realize your decision to get married was a serious mistake.

Marriage is difficult, especially if your husband is a humor writer or you have kids. If you do make the mistake of having kids, be sure to get the best warranty coverage possible. Continue Reading

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Marriage Tip: When Black Friday Shopping, Avoid Impulse Purchases

Marriage Tip: When Black Friday Shopping, Avoid Impulse Purchases

It started out innocently enough. My wife asked me to go to Costco because we were low on shampoo. Perhaps I should not have gone on Black Friday, when Costco had everything on sale.

The second I breached the entrance of Costco, I was immediately confronted by a bank of alluring gigantic flat screen HDTVs showing exotic tropical waterfalls. Wow! Some in 3-D. Hey, look. If you buy the home theatre sound system package, you can get a 55” flat screen HDTV for only $1,449.99 (big savings today only). What a bargain. So I added an LG 55″ Class 3D 1080p 120Hz LED HDTV with 4 Pairs of 3D Glasses to my flatbed cart. Continue Reading

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Reason 17 I’m Voting Romney: I Like His Hair

Reason 17 I’m Voting Romney: I Like His Hair

GlossyNews.com[Note from the Staff of Glossy News: We proofread the author Tim Jones’ rant below about why he’s switching his vote from Obama to Romney.

We uncovered a few minor errors in his analysis and felt compelled to insert corrections as needed. – the Staff of Glossy News] Continue Reading

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Posted in Opinon/Editorial, Politics3 Comments

A Devoted Christian on Marriage, Family, & Homosexuality, where the Conservatives and Liberals Can Meet

A Devoted Christian on Marriage, Family, & Homosexuality, where the Conservatives and Liberals Can Meet

I’ve been working in the field of Genetics and Bioinformatics for many years now. What I’ve been taught most of my life is that homosexuality is an innate condition that people are born with. The genetics of this is very complicated so I will simplify. For example:

1. SRY (Sex-determining region Y) is a sex-determining gene on the Y chromosome (XX = Female; XY = Male). SRY is a single gene located on the Y chromosome that activates a complex array of male determining genotype and phenotype genes during the process of fertilization, differentiation, and development of an female egg into a baby.

However, during the mixing and cross-over of chromosomes, the SRY gene can be stripped from the Y chromosome and attach itself to the X chromosome. So some XX sex determining chromosome sets to from a woman can produce homosexual characteristics that can result in the birth of a Lesbian. The opposite is true for Gays.

2. Prenatal Hormones. If a lot of Androgen is present in the mother’s womb during the development of nerve cells and the brain, then a female baby can come to form as a Lesbian.

3. Androgen Absorption Resistance. Cells in a baby can be resistant to the absorption of androgen to produce testosterone. Without testosterone in the presence of a baby, the baby can also become homosexual.

Other genetic factors are too complicated to explain here. But take my word for it!

However, an interesting bioinformatics statistic came to my attention today: “Almost all of the homosexual children are born by heterosexual parents. And Almost all of the children raised by homosexual parents are heterosexual children.”

I did some research outside of my field of study on what other factors other than inheriting genes, proteins and hormones that can cause homosexuality. Can homosexuality be a choice or a lifestyle rather than genetics? I came across some literature on this subject today.

In a U.S.-based 1970s mail survey by Shere Hite, lesbians self-reported their reasons for being lesbian. This is the only major piece of research into female sexuality that has looked at how women understand being homosexual since Kinsey in 1953. The research yielded information about women’s general understanding of lesbian relationships and their sexual orientation.

Women talked about social conditioning, which made it “almost impossible for me to have a truly healthy sexual relationship with a man”. Another woman stated that because of their conditioning “women are much more sensitive to other people’s needs”, and so “sex is better with women physically and emotionally”, stating she preferred the symmetries of power and aesthetic between women. Some talked about preferring women.

“Personally, I like girls better, they are more tender and loving”, and some went into how they found that emotional relationships with women were more satisfying than those with men, with women making more creative and versatile lovers. One woman reported it was easier for her “to give myself emotionally to a woman”.

A woman who had been a lesbian for two years said she found that sexual relationships with women were more pleasurable on both psychological and physical levels than with men; this was “because the women I’ve had sex with have been my friends first, which was never the case with men. Being friends sets up a trust that I think is essential for satisfying physical intimacy.

Relating to another woman physically seems to me like the most natural thing in the world. You’ve already got a head start on knowing how to give her pleasure. Gentleness seems to be the key, and is the main difference between relating to men and women.'”

Women talked about women making better sexual partners and that was a dominant theme: “I find women better lovers; they know what a woman wants and most of all, there is an emotional closeness that can never be matched with a man. More tenderness, more consideration and understanding of feelings, etc.” This was because men were perceived as unliberated “sexually or emotionally or any other way”, and lesbianism was perceived “as an alternative to abstinence” and to men generally.

Men were perceived as usually juvenile, while a relationship with women was described as “more of a communion with self”. Sex as well as relationships with women were seen as a way of achieving independence from men; “sex with a woman means independence from men.”

Male sexual performance was another problem, “ten to twenty minutes for a man, at least an hour with a woman, usually more”, as well as attention to the sexual needs of women who themselves “seem to have a more sustained energy level after orgasm, and are more likely to know and do something about it if I’m not satisfied”. One understanding of the difference was that sex with women “is not an ‘exchange’ or a ‘trade’ or services”, and not focused on orgasm, with “more kissing and holding” and “more concern for my pleasure”, which was experienced as liberating.

Sex with women was also seen as a political act; “I see lesbianism as putting all my energies (sexual, political social, etc.) into women. Sex is a form of comfort and to have sex indiscriminately with males is to give them comfort.”.

Hite found the two most significant differences between respondents’ experience with men and women were the focus on clitoral stimulation, and more emotional involvement and orgasmic responses. Since Hite carried out her study she has acknowledged that some women may have chosen the political identity of a lesbian. Julie Bindel, a UK journalist, reaffirmed that “political lesbianism continues to make intrinsic sense because it reinforces the idea that sexuality is a choice, and we are not destined to a particular fate because of our chromosomes.” as recently as 2009.

The study’s senior researcher said that women’s sexual desire is less rigidly directed toward a particular sex, as compared with men’s, and women’s sexuality is more changeable over time. Men lack of knowledge about women’s sexuality. McCormick states that emotional, mental, and ideological connections between women are as important or more so than the genital stimulation. Women generally exhibit greater sexual fluidity than men and find it easier to become physically and emotionally intimate with the same sex than men do.

I also found research in what is considered attractive in women between lesbian couples VS. that of heterosexual couples.

Men’s shaping of women’s sexuality has proven to have an effect on how lesbians see their own bodies. Studies have shown that heterosexual men and lesbians have different standards for what they consider attractive in women. Lesbians who view themselves with male standards of female beauty may experience lower self-esteem, eating disorders, and higher incidence of depression. Lesbian women are more attracted to women with a higher body mass.

There are also a great deal of research, history, and culture relating Gender Roles and Career Choices with that of being a Lesbian.

Greek stories of the heavens often included a female figure whose virtue and virginity were unspoiled, who pursued more masculine interests, and who was followed by a dedicated group of maidens. Foster cites Camilla and Diana, Artemis and Callisto, and Iphis andIanthe as examples of female mythological figures who showed remarkable devotion to each other, or defied gender expectations. Choosing to be lesbian might be a woman’s choice to defy one’s gender role that is constructed socially as well as culturally.

There are even religious factors that causes women to sexually express themselves more freely to other women.

For ten centuries after the fall of the Roman Empire, lesbianism disappeared from literature. Foster points to the particularly strict view that Eve—representative of all women—caused the downfall of mankind; original sin among women was a particular concern, especially because women were perceived as creating life. During this time, women were largely illiterate and not encouraged to engage in intellectual pursuit, so men were responsible for shaping ideas about sexuality. Lesbianism was the only way that women can truly and freely express themselves, emotionally and sexually, to another person.

I read a book by one of the most famous Social Psychologist in the World as well as one of the most faithful Christian I’ve ever encountered: Dr. David Myers at Hope College. (In fact, I read every book and every paper this person has ever published.)

This following book has made the most impact on my views on gays and lesbians; which one is a choice and which one is not; which one is sinful and which one is not.

“What God Has Joined Together: The Christian Case for Gay Marriage, Myers, D. G. & Scanzoni, Letha Dawson (2005), San Francisco, CA: Harper San Francisco. This is an effort to bridge the divide between marriage-supporting and gay-supporting people of faith, by showing why both sides have important things to say.” Buy the book from amazon.com. (You can read chapters from this book for free on Dr. Myers website.)

“What God Has Joined Together is an effort to bridge the divide between marriage-supporting and gay-supporting people of faith by showing why both sides have important things to say. By affirming marriage for all, What God Has Joined Together concurs with conservatives’ call for marriage renewal and a more marriage-supporting culture. And it concurs with liberals’ affirmation of everyone’s right, regardless of sexual orientation, to seal love with commitment and to participate fully in the church’s life and ministry.”

“With its traditional defense of marriage and its progressive embrace of same-sex relationships, this book cannot be pigeonholed, and that in itself is refreshing.”

Dr. Myers made ten Conclusions:

1. Our Reformed and ever-reforming faith tradition beckons us, with open minds, to discern and reconcile the truth in God’s word and God’s works.

2. All humans have a deep “need to belong,” to connect with others in close, intimate, enduring relationships.

3. As one potent example of such relationships, marriage contributes to flourishing lives—to happier and healthier adults, and thriving children.

4. Toxic forces, especially radical individualism and the media modeling of impulsive sexuality, are corroding marriage and the health of communities.

5. Sexual orientation is a natural (largely biologically influenced) disposition, most clearly so for men.

6. Sexual orientation is also an enduring disposition, which is seldom reversed by willpower, reparative therapy, or ex-gay ministry.

7. Out of 31,103 Bible verses, only seven frequently quoted verses speak directly of same-sex behavior—and often in the context of idolatry, promiscuity, adultery, child exploitation, or violence. We infer that the Bible has nothing to say about an enduring sexual orientation (a modern concept) or about loving, long-term same-sex partnerships. (One of our goals was to familiarize readers with biblical scholarship that offers alternative interpretations to the familiar proof-texts used against gay people.)

8. The creation stories focus on human companionship, on the importance of relationship and the formation of new kinship units (most of which will be heterosexual, but some of which, we now realize, may be gays).

9. A Christian case for gay marriage arises from the human need to belong, from the biblical mandate for justice, from the benefits of a culture-wide norm of monogamy, and from a refutation of popular arguments against gay marriage.

10. Although not part of our argument (and therefore in an appendix) we also note—for those who may wonder how history likely will judge us—that attitudes on this sexual issue are rapidly changing, and becoming more accepting of gay rights and relationships.

Moreover, there is a large generation gap, with most older adults opposing gay marriage and most younger adults supporting it. Given that the forces driving the attitude changes are likely to continue, and given generational succession, it appears that the culture war over gay marriage and gay ordination will gradually be resolved in the years to come, much as were previous culture wars over minority and women’s rights.

So in my simple conclusion, gay homosexuality may definitely be the result of genetic disposition since it is almost never fluid. So for gay people, homosexuality should not be a sin.

But as for some Lesbians who are not genetically programmed that way, if it is a choice and if you are a religious person, you might find the following advices helpful: a time for you to choose a better lover, choose a husband who is your best friend first, choose a more emotionally mature partner, choose a more ardent supporter for you career and your equality at home as well as your ambition, choose a husband with a more androgynous personality, and finally choose someone who want to please you in bed for hours.

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Women, Help End Discrimination Against Men … by Getting Struck by Lightning

Women, Help End Discrimination Against Men … by Getting Struck by Lightning

I am a staunch advocate of women’s rights to equal treatment and nearly equal pay. I’ve even watched Oprah and Ellen on occasion.

But please don’t tell my golfing buddies. They would never understand.

There is no denying that women have been victims of social injustices and hardships men have rarely had to endure. I’m talking, of course, about cellulite primarily. Continue Reading

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Divorcing a Person Suffering From Depression — My Personal Views on This Subject

Divorcing a Person Suffering From Depression — My Personal Views on This Subject

My advice to a woman who is about to divorce her husband who is suffering from depression.

Right: Image appears courtesy of Heather Gillam. Click to enlarge.

Here I am quoting the very famous, beautiful, wealthy, upper-middle-class Virginia Woolf, whose husband was probably walking in your shoes at the time.

“Dearest, I feel certain I am going mad again. I feel we can’t go through another of these terrible times again, and I shan’t recover this time. I begin to hear voices and can’t concentrate. So I’m doing what seems to be the best thing to do. You have given me the greatest possible happiness. You have been in every way all that anyone could be. I know that I’m spoiling your life and without me you could work, and you will, I know. You see, I can’t even write this properly. What I want to say is that I owe all the happiness of my life to you. You have been entirely patient with me. And incredibly good. Everything is gone from me but the certainty of your goodness. I can’t go on spoiling your life any longer. I don’t think two people could have been happier than we have been.”

And another few lines, this time from one of the most famous psychologists in the history of the West: Carl Jung. “The root problem to all human suffering in this world is our unwillingness to face the necessary amount of pain in order for us to grow.”

I am a firm believer in this quote.

There is the truth that I always like to see the potential in everyone, even in the Black and Latino kids I taught for many years, most of whom, statistically, can’t make it into college. And even amongst despaired, depressed, delusional people, I see potential. I believe that this is our difference, and we have to draw a clear line here.

Since you do not want him as your husband anymore, therefore his problem should not be your problem anymore. Out of sight, out of mind, right? Then why are you still in so much pain?

There is a book called “The Beautiful Mind.” An young MIT woman fell in love and married a genius professor, John Nash, believing that he will bring her everything she ever desired. Years later, Nash turned out to be crazy. She divorced him in disillusionment and out-of-anger. However, later when she found out that Nash had nowhere to go and ended up on the streets without a penny, she had pity on him.

Without remarrying someone else, she opened her front door to let him into the house again and helped in treating his mental disorder. She worked hard to support the whole family and take care of this bum, who could not hold a paying job, for almost 40 years.

I won’t spoil the plot and the ending for you. Go read it on your own (or watch the Hollywood Version).

My father once wrote down something that I later discovered in his notebook, during a time when he was battling for his failing marriage with my mother: “If I can’t charge up this hill and back into her heart again, then this is the hill that I will die on.”

My parents could not be happier living and sharing their lives together nowadays after almost a decade of fighting, arguing, and under the constant reminder that there is a easier way out of this whole mess — divorce.

People are different. We all have different values while coming from different family backgrounds. And I must admit we all have to respect each others’ differences and boundaries. Coming from a stable and loving family, surrounded by unbroken promises of imperfect marriages of all of her friends, and living in such a conservative and collective society such as China, my wife does not even know the definition of the word “Divorce.”

That’s our marriage surviving! And I am grateful for this Chinese, conservative wife, who faithfully followed me through some of the worst years of my life. And I am indebted to the Chinese conservative culture where the divorce rate is so low compared to that of the West. And my wife and my marriage could not be better these days.

And I am trying to repay her for how much emotional debt I owe her for the rest of my life with heart-felt, honest gratitude of this undeserved kindness from her unconditional love for me. I am grateful for her, for not leaving me, every morning that I wake up beside her on the same bed.

I am not judging you. However, you want to hear my opinion, since there does exist an obvious parallelism here.

Here it is, fully told…

Sincerely,

Charles L. Wang.

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Global Warming is a Scientific Fact… Like We Care

Global Warming is a Scientific Fact… Like We Care

It is now an established scientific fact that global warming is taking place around the world. You can see it everywhere. Glacier National Park is melting. Huge slabs of ice in the Polar Regions are dropping into the sea like so many gigantic ice cubes into some cosmic scotch and soda.

The ocean is steadily rising. Pretty soon if you live in Florida you’ll need an inflatable raft to get to your kitchen for a snack. Continue Reading

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Posted in Environment, Opinon/Editorial4 Comments

Top 10 Things You Will Find on Every Top 10 List

Top 10 Things You Will Find on Every Top 10 List

1. Numbers. Ten of them, actually. Maybe Roman, most likely Arabic.

2. Letters. Possibly formulated into words. Whether or not those words are cogent or in the right order is completely up in the air.

3. Links to other Top 10 Lists. Why are you getting a link to the “Top Ten Ways to Sodomize a Goat”? Because you’re a twisted fuck. That’s why.

4. Arbitrary metrics. After several minutes of on and off brainstorming, these are the qualifications the writers settled on before they got back on Facebook.

5. Something you disagree with. “What?? How could they include that entry!? I am clearly to world’s leading expert on this topic, and they didn’t even ask my opinion!”

6. Something you agree with. “Yes, that entry definitely belongs there. I know because I am the world’s leading expert on this topic.”

7. Punctuation. Periods, commas, apostrophes, and maybe even whatever the hell this is: {.

8. Mandatory “controversial” entry. A truly brave and groundbreaking stance based purely on upstanding principles.

9. Half-hearted defense of mandatory “controversial” entry. Apologetic and lukewarm justification of those upstanding principles.

10. Lazy writing. Remember that really, really important revelation your friend had while he was tripping balls off shrooms? What about your significant other’s fight last week with her roommate? No? They seemed pretty trivial didn’t they? So was whatever Top 10 List you just finished glancing through.

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