Archive | Opinon/Editorial

My open letter to the guy crossing the street against traffic without looking up

My open letter to the guy crossing the street against traffic without looking up

Dear person who never looks up while crossing the street, no matter how much traffic there is,

Hey, how’s it going? I hope I didn’t interrupt you from anything important. Please, by all means, go ahead and finish texting LOL to your friend Brad. Don’t forget the smiley face emoticon. Your text is far more important than anything I have to discuss with you. I’ll wait……… Done yet? Super.

Anyway, I just wanted to introduce myself. You see, I’m the guy whose car almost creamed you earlier today when you walked into traffic against the light and never once looked up. I doubt you remember me.

I can imagine it must have been hard to hear my horn blaring or my brakes screeching to avoid hitting you, what with that AC / DC song playing on your iPod at 175 decibels. I could hear them rocking away from inside my car with my windows up. I have to say, excellent choice in music, dude. Can’t go wrong with Highway to Hell – a classic.

You know, when I was young, I was taught that the center of the solar system was the sun. I now realize that my teacher lied to me – because clearly the solar system revolves around an eight-inch space between those earbuds of yours.

Okay, so technically I may have had the “legal” right of way over you, seeing as the light was green for me, and you had that annoying, flashing DON’T WALK sign that you probably missed since it didn’t flash on your cell phone. But hey, who has time to read street signs when they’re busy checking out their Facebook page, am I right?

Anyhoo, what I was trying to say is I apologize. I’m deeply sorry if my car’s front bumper photobombed the Selfie you were taking. Given that my windshield was merely four feet away from your rib cage when our paths crossed, I fear I may have ruined your Snapchat moment.

I must confess, I envy you just a little. You looked so at peace – so completely unbothered by the gridlock you created for all those cars behind me trying in vain to make it through the intersection. I am in awe of your composure in the face of a long line of irate drivers who would have happily made you into a hood ornament.

A lesser person would have been intimidated at the thought of 4,000 pounds of steel bearing down on them at the speed of a hungry cheetah. But not you. You were so courageous, completely undaunted. Even the screams of the maddening crowd didn’t shake your certitude that the urban seas would part to make way for your triumphant, regal crossing. Way to make an entrance, King Cell Phone Dude.

And I simply must applaud your amazing ability to keep your eyes focused downward during your entire crossing. As I was trying in vain to get your attention, your eyes never once wandered from your cell phone screen during your entire 36-foot journey from curb to curb. I doubt a nuclear explosion could have diverted your concentration away from whatever YouTube roomba cat video you were locked in on.

Ya’ know, sometimes I find myself having to stop what I’m doing and pay attention to other people around me who insist that I observe basic courtesies of a modern society. You don’t suffer from that affliction. Not one bit. It must be nice not to have to worry about anything outside of a two-foot radius of your thumbs. What’s important to me is that you were able to saunter across the street at your own leisurely pace, without having to worry about anyone else on this planet. I am in awe of you.

I hope our paths cross again sometime. Perhaps we’ll meet on an airplane. I’ll be the guy right behind you in line waiting for fifteen minutes while you attempt to squeeze a suitcase the size of a refrigerator into the overhead compartment.

But if I know you – and I’m pretty sure I do – you won’t notice me then either. And that’s okay. Because no matter how long you make me wait for you to place your special order at the drive thru or ask the bank teller to convert your collection of 2,578 pennies into dollar bills, it’s okay. Take your time. Please don’t hurry on my account. All that matters to me – and the other 25 people in line behind you – is that you focus on the needs of Numero Uno, buddy. Act like we’re not even here. That should be easy for you to do.

On behalf of all the people in this world who are forced to wait on the outside of whatever impenetrable magic bubble you live in, I just want to say, thank you for reminding all of us that your time is more valuable than ours.

Warmest regards,

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Posted in Human Interest, Opinon/Editorial, Top Stories0 Comments

The secret to maintaining your New Year’s Resolutions…

The secret to maintaining your New Year’s Resolutions…

New Years Resolutions - the list 2017… is never to make any, of course. I mean, seriously. Just look at my track record over the past twenty years. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Human Interest, Opinon/Editorial0 Comments

My Plan to Stop Racist Bigots (A Modest Proposal)

My Plan to Stop Racist Bigots (A Modest Proposal)

I’m going to tolerate respectable MIC racism for decades and shout down anyone who starts imagining things and calling me a bigot.

Then when my racism starts turning into genuinely indecent racism, I am going to let these ignorant right-wing bigots they have REALLY crossed a line. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Opinon/Editorial0 Comments

Conspiracy Theorists are Foolish: the ‘Hume’s Leap’ Fallacy

Conspiracy Theorists are Foolish: the ‘Hume’s Leap’ Fallacy

 

Some years ago, someone spoke with me about 9/11 conspiracy theories, and said that he ‘wouldn’t put it past them,’ or words to that effect.

This sentence from the person who spoke with me years ago, arguably shines a light on the problem with conspiracy theory nonsense, e.g. the myths of 9/11 Truthers, or of Holocaust denialists, or of those who fantasise about so-called ‘Cultural Marxism,’ ‘New World Order,’ ‘Neoliberalism,’ ‘Shapeshifting Lizards,’ ‘the Rockefellers,’ ‘the Zionist Lobby,’ ‘Eurabia,’ and so on. Continue Reading

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Posted in Opinon/Editorial, Serious Commentary, War Zone0 Comments

A Mini Manifesto

A Mini Manifesto

In the first blog post I ever published on Jonathan Arts & Critique, I said:

I am:

Pro peace, not merely anti war.

Pro privacy, not merely anti state voyeurism.

Pro speech, not merely anti censorship.

Pro capitalism, not merely anti far left. Continue Reading

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Posted in Opinon/Editorial, Serious Commentary0 Comments

Unelectable: A History of Jeremy Corbyn at the Polls

Unelectable: A History of Jeremy Corbyn at the Polls

You won’t hear any protests from me when you call Jeremy Corbyn unelectable. What a joke the man is. He can’t afford a nice suit, and didn’t even have the decency to look flustered when asked to publish his tax return. What kind of politician is that?

That said, being skeptics, we like all that evidence and stuff. So I thought I would see if there is any evidence as to whether Jeremy is electable or not. Continue Reading

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Posted in Opinon/Editorial, Politics0 Comments

If You Don’t Support Hillary, You’re a Bigot!

If You Don’t Support Hillary, You’re a Bigot!

I’m sick of all these privileged bigots who are demeaning and denigrating Hillary. So I am here to educate you on why you MUST stop this. Here are the ignorant fools who need to check their privilege.

1. Iraqi orphans

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Posted in Opinon/Editorial, Politics0 Comments

Yorkshire Icepick Weekend: 6 Interesting Things I Learned from the Hyde Park Trots

Yorkshire Icepick Weekend: 6 Interesting Things I Learned from the Hyde Park Trots

Here are several hilarious scientific-socialite shitticisms I learned not so long ago from the Hyde Park Radical Hipster Kool-Aid Community of Yorkshire.

(By the way, before you ask, yes: they were all bitter, middle aged white boys with a massive, ice-pick-flavored vanilla-chip on their shoulder): Continue Reading

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Posted in Entertainment, Opinon/Editorial, Politics0 Comments

Derailing & Fallacies Masterclass: Graduate from Yahoo Answers to Topix!

Derailing & Fallacies Masterclass: Graduate from Yahoo Answers to Topix!

Pol Pot’s Pleasure PWNK

I can’t stand Pol Pot because he’s really nasty. I don’t think he is my leader.

OMG!!!

Yeah but isn’t his adversary Ho Chi Minh nasty too? Would you protest if Ho Chi Minh was in power instead? Continue Reading

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Posted in Education, Opinon/Editorial0 Comments

Ireland: Reproductive Agency is One Thing, Intrusive Meddling is Another!

Ireland: Reproductive Agency is One Thing, Intrusive Meddling is Another!

Some may feel yesterday’s piece on Amnesty International, abortion, and Ireland is flippant. I can certainly see why people might think that; but I am 100% unapologetic. However, I will now speak in a less polemical and satirical manner, and weaponize a more prosaic tone against Big Human Rights.

It might seem churlish to sneer at the ‘humanitarian interventionism’ Amnesty International is perpetrating against Irish people of all identities. ‘After all,’ some might say, ‘Isn’t your postcolonial angle a minor distraction from the most important thing, which is the rights of women, and the necessity to reform the laws in a direction that respects women’s bodily autonomy and right to reproductive agency?’ Continue Reading

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Posted in Opinon/Editorial, Serious Commentary0 Comments

Dear England: You Can Support Abortion Availability Without Being An Imperialist

Dear England: You Can Support Abortion Availability Without Being An Imperialist

Amnesty International has tried to save more people from ourselves (this time, Irish people), with its campaigning on Ireland’s abortion laws.

Of course, the situation for women in Ireland, north or south, is not perfect. But there is no excuse whatsoever for taking up the white man’s burden against Ireland; no matter how just or unjust the laws may be in Ireland, whether North or South.

No one need deny that the question of how to ensure more freedom and equality for women is an important issue in any country. Continue Reading

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Posted in Opinon/Editorial, Serious Commentary0 Comments

2020 Vision: UK Election Prediction

2020 Vision: UK Election Prediction

Time to look back at an old piece of mine, and think about whether it’s just all about ‘way back then.’

http://glossynews.com/top-stories/unamerican-world-news/201505110348/london-riots-who-are-the-real-orwellians/

In scenes mirroring the previous general election, raving hordes of self-righteous middle-class career decents have taken to the streets to protest the “Orwellian” hung parliament. Apparently the number of people who were eligible to vote, and who didn’t, is in the ten percents, at least! Continue Reading

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Posted in Opinon/Editorial, Politics0 Comments

Speaking Truth to Power: The Intercept is Defending Boehmermann’s Freedom with Full Consistency

Speaking Truth to Power: The Intercept is Defending Boehmermann’s Freedom with Full Consistency

In the past, I have been heavily critical of The Intercept, and of Glenn Greenwald’s stance on the Charlie Hebdo martyrs. However, I have noticed a pattern developing recently.

First of all, upon the renewal of the fatwa against Salman Rushdie (essentially a glorified hitman contract from God!), The Intercept did not blame Rushdie for ‘provoking’ his critics. Continue Reading

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Posted in Opinon/Editorial, Serious Commentary0 Comments

Saving them from Themselves… What, you think They’re Animals or What?!

Saving them from Themselves… What, you think They’re Animals or What?!

Could it be that anti-foxhunting ideologues are the interspecies equivalent of Amnesty International and IntCom? Are they complacently presenting themselves as ‘speaking up for those who don’t have a voice?’ 😉 The lessons of Gayatri Spivak’s essay ‘Can the Subaltern Speak?’ are lost on them.

Animals cannot speak for themselves; but even if they could, would their self-appointed defenders allow them to speak anyway? Continue Reading

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Posted in Opinon/Editorial, Science & Technologizzy0 Comments

Inclusion Humor (II): ‘Hey, Can I Celebrate Your Diversity?’ Uh, no… Please Don’t!

Inclusion Humor (II): ‘Hey, Can I Celebrate Your Diversity?’ Uh, no… Please Don’t!

There is a ‘text’ and a ‘subtext’ so ubiquitous now, I feel it would be very unhelpful to attribute it to any one person. I do not wish to blame any one individual, or any number of individuals; clearly, the problem is a very ‘deep’ and ‘structural’ one, rather than being a question of a few people holding a niche view.

The prevailing notion is:

Neurodiversity is great and should be celebrated; what a dull world it would be, if there were no neurodiversity.

OK. How about these ones: Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Opinon/Editorial0 Comments

A Vatican Rockstar Who Pulls No Punches

A Vatican Rockstar Who Pulls No Punches

I know the Pope’s comments are from a while back; but don’t forget that much of the media are still giving a simplified, sanitized picture of Pope Francis for general consumption!

This being so, it’s definitely worth taking a long, hard, critical look at the most fashionable, genial, and photogenic clerical superstar since His Most Hot-Ass Holy-Buffness the Dalai Lama.

If my good friend Dr. Gasparri says a curse word against my mother, he can expect a punch,” Francis said half-jokingly (sic!), throwing a mock punch his way. “It’s normal. You cannot provoke. You cannot insult the faith of others. You cannot make fun of the faith of others.”

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Posted in Opinon/Editorial, Religionism0 Comments

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