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Hide your pets! Obama has plans for them!

Hide your pets! Obama has plans for them!

Announcer: With everyone discussing ObamaCare, Dick and Janey, talk show hosts of Yucky World, will be interviewing the President about his latest health care plan.

Janey: Welcome, Mr. President.

Obama: Thank you, Janey.

Dick: So what are you planning on getting wrong this time, Mr. President?

Janey: Dick, please! Show a little respect!

Obama: That’s okay. I’m used to hearing stuff like that from the troglodytes at Fox News, but even Dick might like my latest idea.

Dick: Really!

Obama: It’s called the Adorable PetCare Act. By executive order, I’m going to provide health care for all our nation’s pets.

Dick: Does that include moose?

Obama: You have a moose for a pet?

Dick: Not yet…but I’m thinking about it. I’m a big Bullwinkle fan.

Janey: Sure, Dick. Have you learned anything from your ObamaCare mistakes?

Obama: Definitely! This time I’m not making promises I can’t keep. When I announce the plan later this week, I will say, “If you like your pet, you can keep your pet. Asterisk.”

Dick: Asterisk! What’s that for?

Obama: It covers any future changes I may have to make in the plan.

Dick: You know, the Constitution’s only been amended 27 times in over 200 years, but you’ve already made over 30 changes in ObamaCare.

Obama: I’m surprised you can count that high, Dick.

Janey: He had some trouble when he ran out of toes.

Dick: You said that people who help folks to sign up for ObamaCare do “God’s work”. What about those who lost their health care?

Obama: I blame those insurance devils!

Dick: You sure it wasn’t Bush’s fault?

Obama: Not this time. The devil was in the details. We’re thinking about an exorcism.

Dick: Ooh-kay. Isn’t the PetCare Act just another example of you using your pencil and phone to go around Congress?

Janey: Dick, he actually said pen.

Obama: Strangely enough, Dick’s more right than wrong. I’m asking Congress to write all future laws in pencil so that way it’ll be easier for me to change them.

Dick: Thank God the Constitution was written in ink!

Obama: That’s where the phone comes in handy. I used it to order a case of Whiteout.

Janey: Have you made any other important calls?

Obama: I did phone Senator Reid.

Janey: And?

Obama: The Senator is upset with the IRS. Apparently he still hasn’t received his 10% reward for turning in Gov. Romney in 2012 for not paying taxes for the previous 10 years.

Dick: I guess Dirty Harry made an offer that the IRS could refuse.

Obama: I told the Senator I’d look into it, but, as I’ve said before, there’s not a smidgen of corruption at the IRS.

Dick: Tell that to the pro-marriage group that had its donors’ list leaked by the IRS.

Obama: Even if that’s true, it’s probably just an iota which is a lot less than a smidgen.

Dick: Weasel words!

Obama: Yeah, well, I hate to tell you this, Dick, but weasels aren’t covered under the PetCare Act!

Janey: Can you tell us some of its other provisions?

Dick: Yeah! Like will there be free contraceptives for our pets?

Obama: We’re thinking more like mandatory neutering.

Dick: But if you neuter all our pets, eventually there won’t be any left.

Obama: Exactly!

Dick: There goes Bullwinkle, Jr.

Obama: This provision will also decrease income inequality!

Janey: Huh?

Obama: Since poor people spend a greater percentage of their income on their pets than the rich do, eliminating pets will reduce the gap between the rich and the poor.

Janey: What are you planning on doing once you leave the White House?

Obama: Actually, I’m thinking about running for a third term.

Dick: But…but the Constitution limits you to just two.

Obama: Only until my case of Whiteout is delivered.

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Posted in Opinon/Editorial, Politics0 Comments

Choosing the Right Store Brand Ointment is Tough, For Life is Fleeting

Choosing the Right Store Brand Ointment is Tough, For Life is Fleeting

By Guest Writer Bill Edgecomb

What is this life but a single blink of the eye of an ever-expanding universe?

Why do we itch?

Is existence itching, the cause of which is the desire for ointment?

Are we to just wait for an itch to subside; like so many before us who have merely avoided risk to extend the length of their lives at the cost of truly living?

RIGHT: Image by Canon_Rebel_User via Flickr (CLICK TO ENLARGE)

These and many other questions come to mind when one embarks on the arduous journey of finding effective yet affordable itch relief. Continue Reading

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Posted in Opinon/Editorial, Society5 Comments

5 Steps To Hosting A Million Dollar Party

5 Steps To Hosting A Million Dollar Party

So, you made your way into college…Great, good job! Now all that’s left for you to do, is to acknowledge you have no place there and all your future holds for you is a prime career in flipping burgers.

Nah, I’m joking, you’re probably the spoiled brat of a millionaire anyway and you don’t have to lift a finger for the rest of your life. The only reason you’re in college is because it’s good PR for your father’s business empire. Continue Reading

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Posted in Opinon/Editorial, Society8 Comments

I Guess I Have an Irrational Fear of Tubes Going in my Urethra

I Guess I Have an Irrational Fear of Tubes Going in my Urethra

Guest writer Doug Fedler

Call me crazy, but I just don’t like the idea of having tubes inserted into my urethra. I guess everyone’s got their quirks.

Maybe my thinking is a little cluttered since I’m about to have my appendix taken out.

I did a little digging on the subject and found out that sometimes they use a catheter. It’s a tube that helps you pee. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Opinon/Editorial5 Comments

“The Night They Raided Minskys” Reviewed by a Guy Who Even Saw the Flick

“The Night They Raided Minskys” Reviewed by a Guy Who Even Saw the Flick

Released in 1968 this flick could have been made today as a relevant retrospective to burlesque.
The naughty nature of burlesque versus the rude routines that pass as suggestive stage entertainment today are in stark contrast when you compare today’s crude crotch crunking with the clumsy bumps and grinds of yesteryear.

Produced by Norman Lear and directed by William Friedkin, it is based on a book by Rowland Barber which paints a fictional account of the invention of the striptease. Continue Reading

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Posted in Entertainment, Opinon/Editorial, Talky Pictures3 Comments

A parent’s survival guide for when college kids come home for the holidays

A parent’s survival guide for when college kids come home for the holidays

Recently both of our daughters came home for the holiday break. Their return brought us a new set of parenting concerns. When kids go off to college, they suddenly consider themselves adults. They feel the old kids’ rules from their high school years no longer apply.

So it can be stressful to know how to parent your almost-adult child now that they’ve concluded they no longer need to listen to a word you say.

That’s why, in the most loving way possible, you should periodically remind them – roughly every two hours – about who is paying for their college and how you’d be delighted to spend that money on a Mediterranean cruise for yourself if they don’t clean up their act during their brief time home. Continue Reading

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Common Courtesy Rules for the 21st Century

Common Courtesy Rules for the 21st Century

Let’s face it. We’re all busy. Life now is much harder than it was back in the days before cell phones, the internet and Roomba vacuum cleaning robots.

There’s barely enough time in the day to update our Facebook status, let alone find time to see if our kids remembered to make themselves dinner before putting themselves to bed. Continue Reading

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Posted in Opinon/Editorial, Society2 Comments

Rush Limbaugh blasts Pope Francis and the Jesus he rode in on

Rush Limbaugh blasts Pope Francis and the Jesus he rode in on

Responding to Pope Francis’s warning that the “idolatry of money” leads to a “new tyranny,” the conservative radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh spoke on behalf of the demonic powers that govern the material world and that only genuine followers of Jesus can detect.

Just seven or eight such followers currently reside in the United States and when they listen to Limbaugh speak on the radio they report hearing “the howling of the damned” in the background. Continue Reading

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Posted in Opinon/Editorial, Religionism0 Comments

Sarah Palin wants to save Christmas. You can help by buying her new book

Sarah Palin wants to save Christmas. You can help by buying her new book

Christmas Day is just around the corner, a time of peace and love and harmony, unless you’re Jewish. But this year, our Christian values of tolerance and forgiveness are being overwhelmed by a cataclysmic war on a scale the world has never seen.

The images we see on television are heartbreaking. When will this senseless war stop?

No, I’m not talking about the twelve-year war in Afghanistan, nor the civil war tearing apart Syria. I’m not even talking about the brutal Mattress Price Wars, although the televised images of those retailers viciously slashing prices before my very eyes is enough to make me sick.

Think you know the Bible? Take the GlossyNews Unbeatable Bible Quiz!

No, I am, of course, talking about something far more pernicious and deadly: The War on Christmas.

RIGHT: Please buy this book. Do it for America–and for baby Jesus. That perfect gift for that God-fearing someone in your life. [Disclaimer: This book may not be suitable for people with an IQ over 75 or who suffer from tolerance of those with differing worldviews from their own.] (CLICK IMAGE TO ENGLARGE)

In her lovingly written new book, Good Tidings and Great Joy: Protecting the Heart of Christmas, distinguished author and former Alaskan beauty pageant winner Sarah Palin launches into a heartwarming tirade in defense of Christian values against the onslaught of political correctness, the secularization of Christmas, and the abominations of atheists and liberals (which two groups are, of course, essentially the same). And I for one could not agree with her views more, even if I understood what she was talking about.

I will be the first to admit that, like millions of Americans, I had no idea Sarah Palin could read, let alone write. But I was wrong. In her new pop-up coloring book, the ex-60%-of-one-term governor of Alaska makes a clarion call to save Christmas. What is destroying our American way of life is not a culture of gun violence. Nor the fact that the top 1% of society owns 40% of the nation’s wealth. It’s not even our faltering educational system. The real problem confronting us, according to Palin, is the war waged by millions on the left against Christmas.

Palin’s motive for writing this book is explained in her own words on the book’s back cover: “If I’m for Christmas, it’s only because I’m for Christ.” It’s clear that unlike liberals and people wanting to take away our guns, Palin loves Jesus. And the fact that she stands to rake in $10 million from book sales to Wal-Mart shoppers was the furthest thing from her mind when she hired someone to ghostwrite her book.

In reading her inspiring message of hope for all Christians in this great Christian nation of Christians, I came away with a startling realization about how much hatred for our savior lies deep within the misguided hearts of the average Muslim, Jew, Hindu, Buddhist, vegetarian, environmental activist and community organizer. It was not until I read this book that I finally understood why Jesus hates gays. The War on Christmas, Palin points out, is first and foremost a war for our souls. And thanks to insidious, politically correct wishes for “Happy Holidays” oppressing our attempts to wish our fellow citizens a “Merry Christmas,” Satan and his growing army of Christmas-destroyers are winning the battle.

Here is a short passage from her book that I pray you will appreciate as much as I did:

Jesus’ birth is not about Black Friday sales. Why does Christmas cause so much anger just by its very name? If Jesus, coming to us for our salvation, which, when I think back upon it, it’s because of the lamestream media, whose hostility to Christmas, such that who are they to judge, notwithstanding if we take arms courageously to protect the Bible, then perhaps those without salvation, having caused such an uproar, for whom was the baby swaddled in a manger, which you can see from Alaska, and good will to all mankind except for angry homosexuals who don their gay apparel…

Amen, Sister Sarah, amen. I could not have said it better myself (had I been in a drunken stupor from spiked eggnog).

Sarah Palin book signingPalin zeroes in on the real meaning of Christmas. It’s not about Black Friday sales on flat screen TVs and tablet PCs. It’s about pointing out how Americans who have discovered Jesus are better than everybody else. As Palin soothingly explains, the real crisis threatening Christmas in America is all those atheists trying to return Christmas to its origins as a pagan festival celebrating the winter solstice during which Democrats would get drunk and fornicate with goats. Why do they hate baby Jesus so much? For God’s sake, he’s just a baby.

In this amazing book, written in a tasteful Helvetica font, Palin’s mission is to be that brave voice speaking on behalf of all Christians in America’s heartland (circa 1953). She courageously reveals that Christmas isn’t about sharing the holiday quietly with your loved ones and opening presents. It’s about lovingly shoving your own views about Christmas down the throats of people who don’t share your deeply-held fundamentalist beliefs, and compassionately reminding all Americans why it’s important to load your hunting rifle and rid this Christian nation of those intolerant Jesus-haters who are desperately trying to keep us from spreading God’s Christmas message of peace and good will to mankind.

Why waste time reading the hackneyed holiday musings of Charles Dickens, Clement Clarke Moore or Robert Frost? They’ve all been surpassed by the brightest star atop the literary Christmas tree, Sarah Louise Palin. Please do your patriotic duty this Christmas and buy her incredible Christmas book.

Help Sarah save Christmas for all of us – well, most of us, anyway. If enough red-blooded Americans purchase her book, it just might make Sarah Palin the most miraculous profit of God in our lifetime.

Happy Holida-, er, I mean, Merry Christmas, everybody.

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Posted in Entertainment, Opinon/Editorial1 Comment

Ask Dink: Workin’ Man’s Blues

Ask Dink: Workin’ Man’s Blues

There is a guy at work who is very annoying. He is always trying to fix things when they don’t need to be fixed. He seems to like to make a lot of noise, and the more noise he makes the madder we all get.

He is a very nervous and impatient person. He always has to be doing something and paces around if there is nothing to be done. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Opinon/Editorial0 Comments

TGIT – Thank God It’s Tuesday

TGIT – Thank God It’s Tuesday

Last November and December, I experienced some shortened work weeks thanks to the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays. Both holidays were preceded by shortened three-day work weeks, so I had to be extremely focused, making efficient use of every minute of every work day.

I cut way back on the amount of time I would otherwise spend watching lame YouTube videos involving practical jokes where some unsuspecting dude gets kicked in the family jewels (I can never get enough of that highbrow humor). Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Opinon/Editorial0 Comments

So you think you know Canada, eh? Seven myths about our neighbors to the north

So you think you know Canada, eh? Seven myths about our neighbors to the north

The United States shares a border with its neighbor to the north, Canada, that’s 5,525 miles long – or if you happen to be Canadian, that’s 8,891 kilometers – not that anybody really uses kilometers, mind you.

Did you know that our border with Canada is the longest unprotected border in the world? I’ll bet there are a lot of things you don’t know about our friendly neighbor to the north. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Opinon/Editorial3 Comments

Why grow your business when you can OPTIMIZE YOUR REAL-TIME ROI YIELD!

Why grow your business when you can OPTIMIZE YOUR REAL-TIME ROI YIELD!

I’ve spent the better part of the past 25 years (and the worse part as well) in sales and marketing. One thing that has always impressed me in checking out the marketing collateral and the web sites of the major industry front runners is how I have absolutely no idea what they actually do.

You see, smart marketers learned a long time ago, that when it comes to beating the competition, you don’t have to build a better mousetrap. You just have to know how to market it better. And that starts with the words you use to describe your products and services. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Opinon/Editorial0 Comments

Business Lesson #84 – How to write an apology letter to upset customers

Business Lesson #84 – How to write an apology letter to upset customers

Last week, we talked about how to handle situations when your customers complain about a product defect, such as, “How come when I use your curling iron, it turns causes my hair to evaporate?” Of course the best policy is to blame the problem on the customer or someone else – when in doubt blame it on al Qaeda terrorists … or Congress.

When all else fails you may have no choice but to eat crow and admit some eensy weensy tiny bit of responsibility for the problem, such as “in rare cases, some inconclusive studies have suggested that there could be a remote chance – and by remote we mean almost less than 50% – that our artificial sweetener could cause an eensy weensy tiny bit of permanent blindness and complete hearing loss in Hispanics and Pacific Islanders under the age of 70.”

In these situations, you need to craft a very carefully worded, earnest and sincere corporate apology letter – one that comes from the heart, with sincerity and earnestness – preferably ghostwritten by a professional apology letter writer in a high-priced Manhattan PR firm, who knows just the right caring words to say in order to avoid a costly class action lawsuit.

When crafting your company’s sincere official apology letter to customers, make sure it contains all of the following six elements:

defective chemistry setElement One: State your company’s previously untarnished reputation for quality. Okay, say you’re sending out this letter to 60,000 customers because it turns out that your Junior Chemist toddlers’ play set included enough radioactive plutonium in each kit to build a miniature nuclear bomb. Regardless of what the cluster f*ck is that your quality control team created, you must always start your letter by proudly declaring this sort of problem has never happened before in the 108-year history of your company. (It does not matter that your company started in 2007.) Make up compelling statistics about how your company has always had a 99.5% customer satisfaction every year since 1955. Mention that in annual consumer satisfaction polls, your company was voted “The company customers would most like to hug” three times in the past five years. Be sure to include a footnote to the survey. (Don’t worry. Nobody will ever actually bother to look up this survey. Who has the time?)

Element Two: Mention your rigorous quality control procedures. Discuss how you use industry-leading safety testing procedures to ensure against the slightest possibility of product malfunctions. Mention how you disassemble and re-assemble every single piece nine times to be sure it is easy to assemble and disassemble. Don’t forget to mention that your products proudly say MADE IN AMERICA on every label – people love it when they think you’re patriotic. Don’t reveal that in actuality, everything other than the MADE IN AMERICA label was made in Taiwan.

Element Three: Apologize. This must be limited to not more than ten words maximum. I suggest something like “If you were not completely happy, we sincerely apologize.” To go on any further might imply that you actually felt bad about what happened or that you thought your company actually did something wrong. And you don’t want to leave your product liability attorneys with that impression.

Element Four: Tell them what you plan to do to fix the problem. This is where you state that you are committed to spending whatever amount of money it takes to ensure this problem never happens again (up to a maximum of $250.00) and that you will keep them posted about the improvements you make. Oh, don’t worry. You won’t actually have to spend money on improving your systems, processes and procedures. Just put into the budget a line item for say, $150,000, for the purpose of ensuring that in the future, the wheels on the Little Missy training wheels don’t fall off anymore. This line item will eventually get axed due to budget cuts and downsizing, and pretty soon everybody will have moved on to more important issues, like how your company is going to solve the problem of spontaneous combustion of your Little Missy “Hug Me” dolls.

Element Five: Thank them for being a customer. Offer them a cheesy gift. Thank them profusely for bringing this product defect issue to your attention and reiterate how grateful you are to have them as a customer. Create the impression that you are sincere by inserting their name repeatedly like this:

“MR. CRENSHAW, we at [Your company name here] want to thank you, MR. CRENSHAW, for being MR. CRENSHAW and for purchasing the Johnny Chainsaw play toy for your five-year old. We sincerely apologize to you, MR. CRENSHAW, for the small problem of the chainsaw starting on its own when the room temperature exceeds 53 degrees, and pledge to you, MR. CRENSHAW, to fix this problem immediately. Did we mention that we appreciate your business, MR. CRENSHAW?”

Hello Kitty mugThen be sure to include a lovely gift (and by “lovely gift” I mean those Hello Kitty coffee mugs in your warehouse that had the defective handle so you could not sell them) as your way of thanking them for their business. Or perhaps you could include a coupon for a free upgrade to the Johnny Chainsaw DELUXE model guaranteed not to self-start automatically at any temperature!! And then include a brief explanation of the 17-step process required for redemption of their gift coupon, including the requirement to provide five cereal box tops and copies of their previous four years’ tax returns. And in fine print, remember to state “Allow 18 – 24 months for delivery.”

Element Six: Tell them how they can get more information. In an effort to show that you want to answer all their questions, I recommend you include a short series of FAQ’s like this:

Q: What if I don’t receive my Johnny Chainsaw DELUXE play set within 18 – 24 months? What do I do then?

A: in the unlikely event that you have still remembered about this offer 18 to 24 months from now and still have not received your Johnny Chainsaw Deluxe play set, call our toll-free customer service hotline at 1-800-URSCRUDE and they will be happy to check on the status of your shipment.

call center adYou of course don’t actually have to staff a customer service hotline. That would be an added staffing expense you certainly can’t afford, thanks to all the lawsuits that have been filed against your company lately as a result of sales of your Fun-tastic Magic Finger Slicer Magical Illusion toy. Simply have all calls go to a voice mail box with an outgoing message that says something like this:

“Thank you for calling [Your company name here]. Currently we are experiencing higher than normal call volumes – because some people are a little upset that our Nutri-Power High Fiber Health Food Snack Bars have been found to cause diarrhea and migraines lasting up to three weeks.” Currently all of our customer service representatives are serving other customers. But your call is important to us. Please leave your name and number and we will call you back within 18 – 24 months.”

Follow these steps the next time your company ends up in a tight spot due to a product or service PR disaster and before you know it, your customer headaches will be leaving in droves.

In closing, we would like to sincerely apologize to those of you who have been reading Glossy News lately and have complained about the quality of our weekly business advice. Rest assured there will be a complete 100% refund of any subscription fees you have paid thus far. For more information on how you can receive your refund, call our customer service department in New Delhi, India on Tuesdays or Thursdays between 2am and 3:15am Eastern time. And be sure to include your previous four years’ tax returns.

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Dear Nick: The Practical Advice Column

Dear Nick: The Practical Advice Column

I’ve grown disheartened with standard advice columns such as “Dear Abby” and “Ask Amy”. We are all long overdue for a practical advice column with some real-life answers. Here are a few questions and home-spun practical advice from the advice-master NickFun:

Dear Nick,

Our 12-year-old is invited to a school friend’s birthday sleepover. I’ve always had an uneasy feeling the parents don’t supervise their kids very well, and a mom I trust agrees I shouldn’t let my son attend. What do you suggest? And if I say no, how should I explain my decision to him? Sign, Concerned Parent.

Dear Concerned Parent,

The kid’s twelve! He’s not in diapers anymore! Maybe you supervise the kid too much! It’d be good for him to have some fun with his friends without his snoopy parents peeking in his room all the time. Sure, he might have a couple beers or smoke a dube but that’s part of growing up! Stop training him to be a wimp and let him have some fun!

Dear Nick,

My name is Tim and I am 16 years old. My girlfriend is also 16 and she’s trying to pressure me into having sex. I want to wait until I am married. What should I do? Signed Tim.

Dear Tim,

What are you? A homo? Take a look at those two gorgeous jugs! Don’t you want to have your hands on them? Stop jerking off and give her what she wants!

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Maybe the Mayans were right. Religious scholars say gay marriage a sign the end is near.

Maybe the Mayans were right. Religious scholars say gay marriage a sign the end is near.

Experts in ancient Mayan culture recently prophesized that the world would come to a cataclysmic end in 2012, give or take a year or two. They based this on detailed interpretations of the ancient Mayan calendar.

Thanks to President Obama’s shocking revelation last year that he supports the rights of gays and lesbians to marry, these scholars now are even more convinced the Mayans were probably right, even if they were off by a couple years, arguing we’re in the final days before Homoggedon. Continue Reading

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