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John McCain Apologizes to Republicans for Giving Props to Obama

John McCain claims “Like many Americans, I got caught up in the moment when I wrote that op-ed in the Washington Post.”

He told fellow Republicans, “Believe me, it will never happen again.”

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Palin Supporter Reloads

Arizona Democrat Gabrielle Giffords, representative from one of Sarah Palin’s “crosshairs” districts, has been shot. Good work, crazy people, I’m sure this will do much for your cause of not being considered crazy.

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2011 Tall Tale Congressional Cocktail

Just in time for New Years festivities, try to see if you can stomach this tasty treat from the hill.

1 Tea Bag with string
2-3 minutes of warm John of Orange tears
2 jiggers VS cognac
1 dash bitter Rand
Cracked Cantor ice
club soda
Garnishes: twist of Pence; l’eye of Newt.

In a cocktail shaker, muddle a Tea Bag in 2 oz of warm John of Orange tears, add 2 jiggers of cognac, stir in a dash of Rand for bitter balance. Add cracked Cantor ice & shake till blue. Pour into a high ball glass, top with club soda. Garnish with a Pence twist & a sleezy l’eye of Newt.

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US Inmate John Duty “Put Down”, Vet Wishes to Remain Nameless

A shortage of sodium thiopental, the kinder, gentler drug used for death row inmates in the US, forced the state of Oklahoma to send convicted murderer John Duty to a local vet where he was put down with an injection of pentobarbital so that, “he could die like the damned dirty dog he was.”

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U.S. Gov’t Plays “Whack-a-Mole” to Combat Online Piracy

In a futile effort to combat file-sharing, the ICE (a division of the DHS) has begun whacking down websites suspected of copyright infringement. So far, the score is 70, 75, or 76, depending on who’s counting.

A spokesman for the ICE stated that officials have enjoyed the game although he said, “the little f—ers keep popping up everywhere, and in the frenzy several players have accidentally whacked themselves in the face with a mallet.”

No word on prizes given to winners with the most moles “whacked”.

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Fox: It’s OK for Beck to Say “Soros Helped Kill Other Jews”; MSNBC Agrees

But An Unforgivable, Atrocious Cardinal Sin For NPR To Fire Williams For Saying That He Was Afraid Of Muslims On Planes.

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USDA Faces Mounting Pressure to Bail Out Portugal

Economists are questioning why the United States Department of Agriculture would be called on to bail out a foriegn, soveriegn nation, but at the same time, representatives from the USDA have said that “The $14 billion requested only constitutes a small amount of our 2011 discretionary budget, so really, auditing the request would cost us more than just cutting a check.”

Citizens of Portugal have been asked to weigh in, but due to them doing so in Portuguese, with no interpreters available to translate, the wire transfer has already been sent.

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Younger Palin Comes in “Almost First” Like Mother, Thanks to Gerrymandering

The thick-thighed mistress of spin was served something of a vindication this week, as the hit reality show “Dancing With the Stars” finally succeeded in ousting her daughter from the position she never rightly should have held.

Clever vote-rigging and regional gerrymandering have been thanked for her ability to survive in the primaries of the competition thus far. Continue Reading

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Fox Follows MSBN’s Lead- Suspends Entire Staff Over Campaign Donations

Except in this case, a bit of a surprise, it was actually the Republicans politicians making donations to the reporters.

Suspensions are reportedly with pay and can be taken any time over the coming 180-days, or cashed out like traditional flex-pay.

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Christine O’Donnell Camp Considering Concession

Only three days after election day, and a mere 9-weeks after her crusade for a senate seat lost its luster, Christine O’Donnell, who has cast her spell on many voters around the good state of Delaware, is now considering conceding her loss to left-wing, radical, pinko-extremist Chris Coons.

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Terry Fox’s Inspiring Cancer Survivor Story

I am sure most people have heard of Terry Fox, a young cancer survivor who developed bone cancer and had his left leg removed as a result. After recovering, he vowed to “run” 3000 miles across Canada to raise money and awareness for cancer research and support. His story was so inspiring, a middle aged survivor of cyrrhosis of the liver vowed to “drink” his way across the greater Pittsburg area, or die trying.

He started early one morning in his local bar, The Crow Bar, right at opening time. Worked his way east towards the downtown area, never stopping to eat, and only stopping once to drop off a few friends at the pool in a bar “he never liked much anyway….” Then, around closing time, in the last bar in the area, he completed his goal and then stumbled out into the parking lot and threw up in his hat.

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FOX News Blasts Obama for Failure to Stop Qur’an Roast

In perhaps their greatest show of partisan hackery, the pundit collective of FOX News this morning went on offensive against President Obama for his failure to use military force in stopping the radical Christian church in Florida from burning sacred texts. While doing so would be a gross encroachment on civil rights, a massive overstep of presidential authority, and a move sure to be damned by either side of the political spectrum, FOX News chocked it up to a victory. Continue Reading

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McMahon Wants to Wrestle for Senate Seat

Half Nelson Bay, CT (GlossyNews) — On the campaign trail with Norbert B. Snortwhistle. Republican Linda McMahon challenged Democrat Richard Blumenthal to wrestle her for the Connecticut Senate seat rather than wait for the outcome of the November election.

McMahon, a former World Wrestling Federation executive and wrestler, left no doubt she believed she could defeat Blumenthal. “He’s got a big mouth out here, but let’s see how he does in the ring,” McMahon told her cheering supporters. “I’ll put his policy positions where the sun don’t shine.” Continue Reading

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Boehner Promises Nothing From GOP

Boehner Promises Nothing From GOP

Orange, OH (GlossyNews) — On the campaign trail with norbert b. snortwhistle.

House leader John Boehner vowed that if the GOP captures control of Congress this November, it will do “absolutely nothing for as long as necessary.”

Speaking to an association of tanning salon owners, Boehner candidly unveiled his party’s legislative strategy for 2011 and perhaps beyond. “Republicans strongly believe government cannot achieve much of value,” Boehner said. “And if we are successful this November, we will prove it.” Continue Reading

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“Fast for Annorexia” March Seen as Self-Serving

Thousands descended on the National Mall, but none felt as snubbed as the local D.C. vendors. By the days end, despite more than 87,000 in attendance, sales were lackluster at best. “I haven’t sold a single sausage,” said Sal the Sausage Guy, a perennial favorite at such events. “It’s like these skinny broads just don’t wanna eat or something.”

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Newlyweds Disappointed by “Oral Expectation” Gap

Sarah and Ted Jgorksen of Providence, Rhode Island dated for almost two years before tying the knot last Sunday in a small traditional wedding held in the Elmhurst neighborhood. While Ted assumed the $5,200 diamond solitaire would ensure a lifetime of hassle-free oral, his bride Sarah assumed she’d never again have to provide it.

“This isn’t an understanding gap, it’s more like a chasm,” said Ted, while his new bride ranted in the background, “Oh you’d like a chasm, wouldn’t you? Like that whore Kayla [you used to date in college, who offered such encounters with impunity, delight, and testicle clutching vigor].”

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