La Crosse, Wisconsin. Having recently completed an intensely strenuous amount of coursework that thoroughly burned him out and almost deprived him of his will to keep living, Jeremy Mathews, 24, confessed at his graduation party in late June that he simply can’t wait to have what remains of his sanity compromised by the unholy bombardment of pressure and stress he will experience next fall at the public high school that eventually hires him.
Ecstatically happy while trying to contain enormous amounts of glee in his heart that he would soon be broken down completely by an exasperating nightmare involving hyperactive students, self-absorbed parents who believe their children never do anything wrong, and power-hungry, two-faced, corrupt administrators who will demand constant perfection while being ready to fire him at any given moment, the ‘now-broke’ and ‘in-debt’ social studies major said he’s ready for action.
“I’m really hoping I will have this ‘nearly-impossible-to-pass’ interview during which the administrator wipes his ass with my resume and then blows his nose all over the pages of the portfolio I spent hours constructing last month,” Jeremy stated in sincere acknowledgment that he enjoys the unique combination of being pushed around, taken advantage of, and criminally overworked at the same time.
“Things like that stimulate me and keep me going,” he admitted.
“It’s like when a guy comes home early from work only to find his wife being railed on the kitchen table by the Schwan’s Delivery man as apples, oranges, and bananas fly out of the fruit basket and go bouncing across the floor,” he needlessly added in an attempt to explain that his internal need to be tortured and systematically abused was the main reason he decided to pursue an education degree in the first place.
Sources recently confirmed that Jeremy will most likely get his wish due to the fact that a divorced mother with severe substance abuse issues randomly called his cell phone number last Thursday before screaming at him that her 4 children (all of whom are hyped-up on Code Red Mountain Dew and Monster Energy drinks) were not getting the education they deserved.