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ACLU Applauds Ebonics Affirmative Use of "z"
The ACLU announced staunch support of ebonics this week citing their thorough, affirmative and even flagrant use of the letter "z".
"It all started with 'bizzatch' in place of 'bitch' and moved quickly and permanently to 'off the he-z fo' re-z' in place of 'off the hook for real'," explained Graham Newman of the ACLU. "This is giving the dejected letter z some real front page press.
Since 1970, only a small handful of groups have been recognized for linguistic equality;
-- The scientific community in 1971 for the letter "x",
-- The Atari Corporation in 1982 for their re-popularization of the letter "q" with their absurd game Q-Bert, which was revoked after they saw the characters likeness.
-- The LAPD for using a variety of racial slurs to mean "perpetrator", and
-- Country Music Industry, for reviving "blue" to mean drunk.
The press luncheon was quite fantastic. Though the spread was minimal, it seemed no other news organizations are covering the ACLU any longer. Jimmy from
the Fake News was in attendance, and we both got properly hammered at their expense, before each practicing free speech to tell whomever would listen just how we felt.Singly and rarely. Ebonics, it seems, has really put a new "spi-zin" on things... that's spin for you white-folk.
Vatican Endorses "Holey Condom"
In news that shocked the world Tuesday (until the fine print was read) the Catholic Church stepped forward for the first time in support of condoms. Not as a method of birth control, but rather as an additional revenue source.
"The Holey Condom is such two-fold," tells archbishop Mark Evans. "Both in the fact that it is blessed as well as that it has more holes than Judaism. We expect this to be a very popular item among young, married, monogamous Catholics the world over. By the way, does this hat make me look goofy?"
While it is important to note that this new tip-less, Swiss cheese resembling condom does not actually restrict the wanton discharge of seminal fluids, it does come in ribbed and lubricated assortments, as well as a variety of vibrant colors.
Their product slogan, "oops, I'm a daddy," was welcomed by all in attendance. When press agents were asked if Britney Spears would be hired to parody her song, "oops, I did it again," they promptly denied any such idea, insisting, "enough seed has already been wasted at Ms. Spears expense. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go say a few hail Mary's for impure thoughts, thank you very little!"
The Vatican has long stood firm on it's hard line against any form of contraceptive or anything that might in any way make sexual intercourse more pleasurable. "This is great," explained one Bishop. "It can lessen male sensitivity while having no adverse reaction on the reproductive process. This could really help out our congregational growth over the next few decades, not to mention bring in a few extra shekels."
In a highly related story, thousands of illiterate Catholic girls have reported missed periods, a wide variety of VD's and an increase in shotgun weddings of almost six percent since the announcement last Tuesday.
Who Got Benny Hill's Porn Stash?
In the years since the tragic death of the saucy comedian, one question has continued to perplex his family and friends - what happened to Benny’s porn stash? See, A lot of English on those balls, B10
In order for Glossy News to get you the freshest headlines we print first and ask questions later, or typically not at all. We take full responsibility for retractions and prominently display the truth right up front. See My Bad, ZZ196
Anna Kournikova Almost Beats Some Chick
More Parents Monitoring Web-Porn Habbits
Parents are taking a greater interest in the types of porn they allow their children to view. See, "No, son, DVDA is actually quite impossible", G14
Hey kids, this may look like a nasty replication of Dilbert, but in fact it's something quite unique and special. See Komix 4 Kids, E7
Dresden Ohio has always been famous for their baskets, but their puzzling growth in male suicide is what has finally put them on the map. See, What ain't worth living for in Dresdon
Citing Hussein's 100% internal support, compared with the recent collapse of the Dutch government, political scientists have finally proven the advantage of tyranny over representative forms of government. See, You know what they say about a man with a big moustache, A2.
Letters to the Editor
Feedback from the headlines to the front lines. See Okay, Cool, Whatever, E8
Kill popups now and forever for free. Simple Download (not a sponsored link, just a good choice.)