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Drug Dealing Actually a Pyramid
Zeek was a normal young man seeking a hookup just two weeks ago, now he faces a dilemma. "I went to my guy and he was like, 'hey, you're a pretty good customer, how would you like to get your stuff at wholesale?' and I was like, 'sure, who wouldn't?' but I knew there was a catch."
Zeek faces the same problem as many young drug users. The growth and success of multi-level marketing has made it increasingly difficult for people of all ages to use drugs without being asked to join their pyramid scheme.
"First he introduced me to his guy, and then they were explaining to me how it works. They were like 'First you buy enough for you and your friends, then you find one of your friends who wants to sell some, then you move up the chain and you have them find people who want to sell until you are a direct distributor', and I'm like, wait a minute, this sounds like Amway."
After describing his dreams and goals in detail, Zeeks dealer's sponsor showed him a twenty-minute video full of young successful dealers with fancy cars and beautiful women, at the end was the slogan, "Even you can big pimp it." Zeek explains, "I was totally freaking out, like what the hell was this? I just wanted to shave a couple bucks off my sack [unit of drugs] and the next thing I know they're talking like I'm going to be rolling with the Colombians."
Much of the marketing material generated by the North American Pushers Association focuses only on the potential for success, failing to mention how many eager young entrepreneurs face challenges such as loss of friends, market volatility and prison rape. "I don't want to be known as 'That Drug Dealer Guy' to all my friends, you know?" explains Zeek.
Despite their perfectly plausible claims that their products have never been tested on animals and that no one is forced in to buying it, Zeek rightfully is questioning the legality of it all. "At first it kind of seemed like a good idea, but now they're calling me every day and they keep explaining the point system and all that. Shit man, I just wanna get high, you know?"
"Thought I Got it from You", Claims He Slut
Promiscuous Boyfriend thought he got the clap from his quasi-virginal girlfriend.
Although Sharon West, 19, has only had sex with one partner in her life, and him only four times ever. Jake Simmons of Norfolk Virginia, the boyfriend in question, continued to insist up to press time that SHE in fact gave the sexually transmitted disease to HIM. He insists further that he did "…not (get it) at a party last week where three of his buddies got it.." from Amanda Lake, who friends have affectionately nicknamed "the Pivot Girl". Pivot Girl was unavailable for comment but sources close to her gladly offered "Oh yeah, probably, that girl hits anything. Pretending she's all drunk and saying 'oh look at me, I'm so drunk, wow I like to give head and give it up.'"
Ms. West felt a slight discomfort Friday morning that by evening gave way to a raging highway of fire in her urinary tract. "Call me naïve, but I initially believed him when he told me it came from me." Her friends took turns calling her naïve before explaining the science of STD contraction, the nature of male "bitch-banging", and the extreme ease of hitting Amanda's G or A spot.
U.S. Army's Guantanamo Zoo
Completely Kinda-Sorta-Pretty-Much in Accordance with the Geneva Accords. US Military has established a new terrorist/animal park in sunny, scenic Cuba. See, Lions and Tigers and Inmates, OH MY!, B1
Barbara Walters Goes Out in Public Without Soft Focus Blur
Police Hire New Bitch
Man’s best friend will be joining the Berrien Springs-Oronoko Police Department in May. See, assanine canine, G4
Hey kids, let's help crazy Uncle Dubbya blow up some Iraq folk! See Komix 4 Kids, E7
Redifining weapons of mass destruction in a world where even shoes are bombs. See, Dangerous Scotsfolk get Crazy with their bad selves, A7.
Last week a cash-ready porn company bought rights to the well renowned Napster name for $3 Million, what files shall we share now, my sweet thang. See, Oh that CAN'T be legal, B5.
In order for Glossy News to get you the freshest headlines we print first and ask questions later, or typically not at all. We take full responsibility for retractions and prominently display the truth right up front. See My Bad, ZZ196
Letters to the Editor
Feedback from the headlines to the front lines. See Okay, Cool, Whatever, E8
Kill popups now and forever for free. Simple Download (not a sponsored link, just a good choice.)