Above: Shit man, what do you want me to say about that?

Story appears courtesy of the Urinal Era

BERRIEN SPRINGS - Chaos erupted Saturday night and eighty-seven people were arrested at the American Legion's "Streak Dance". The dance, held annually the night before Independence Day, had fireworks of its own, ending in a subtle nude chaotic orgy.

Earlier this year, Marian Kiljoy, club manager of the Legion, had requested a permit to allow nude steak fries. Controversy ensued and the permit was granted on the condition that she begin wearing clothes to the village meetings. However the permit did not allow nudity on a public street.

The night's events began peacefully with a cover charge at the door for those clothed. Kiljoy set admission at ten dollars a head. This, according to our sources, is five dollars more than she usually charges for head.

Items on the event's menu included foot-long wieners, banana splits, and double scoop vanilla sundaes with two cherries on top, served in brazier shaped cups. Drink specials included Slippery Nipples, Sex-on-the-Beachs, Screaming Orgasms, and Blowjobs.

Ernie Rudlaff requested chocolate ice cream for his brazier around eight. At a little past ten, Larry Bone, nicknamed for the night "Boner" for reasons the Urinal Era cannot discuss, kept asking bartender Sue Lush for a blowjob. Cecil Mortin, in a fit of jealousy, put all of his 110 pounds into a right cross to Bone's bone. A bar brawl followed.

Meanwhile, outside the Streak Dance was a street full of clothed Adventist protestors, bearing signs that read, "Nudes are rude," and chanting, "To show your skin is to live in sin." No signs, however, addressed the orgy.

Mike Whitt, SAL member and resident of Berrien Springs, said living across the street from the Legion is better than having the Playboy channel.

A riot erupted on the street when Commander Don Kiljoy and his wife, Marian, complained about the loud volume of the live music. Cups of draft beer, chairs, and tables flew everywhere as the end of Bluff Street was covered with naked brawling bodies.

Frank Choop, wearing only a hearing aid, was first to notify the police.

Arriving first on the scene was Jimmy Lesterke, who was accosted by the crowd and strip searched. "I didn't know his gun was so small," commented Auxiliary President, Susie Halas. By the time backup arrived, protestors had become involved as the brawl turned into a battle between 'shirts' verses 'skins'.

Several people who'd fled the scene after the cops arrived were pulled over for driving in the nude. Bowler Si Halas, known for the size of his balls, was one such offender. He was caught driving 85 mph in a 25 zone.

Donna Rader was caught playing with Gary Rader's gearshift, which wouldn't have been illegal if their car would've had a manual transmission.

Tom Smithers was pulled over while driving down Bluff Street. He claimed to have his driver's license in his pant's pocket but because he wasn't wearing any pants at the time, he was arrested.

A little after midnight a streaker wearing only a ski mask robbed the downstairs bar. Bartender Sue Lush described the culprit as a male Caucasian "nicely endowed." Because they don't fit Lush's description, no Legion or SAL members are suspects. Lush has volunteered to view a line up until the culprit is identified. Once found, Lush says she'll pay his bail on the condition that he come back with her to "work off" his repayment to her.

Bail for all those arrested was set at $1,000. Everyone but Marian Kiljoy was bailed out. The Kiljoy family could not be reached for comment, as they have fled the state and changed their name.

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