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Bryant Gumbel Publishes "Almost Black Like Me"

Fanfare accompanied critical praise this week as the New York Times best seller list welcomed it's newest member. Rave reviews came from white, black and Puerto Rican critics, all claiming him as a member of their own.

Raised by a wealthy white business tycoon on Park Avenue, Gumbel describes his childhood as being much like Diff'rent Strokes, "but without all the black stuff." Gumbel's book details the many benefits of "only being black on applications and down in my tweed trousers where it counts."

Ever since dying and perming his wavy blonde hair in 1982, Gumbel's success has grown strongly and steadily. His brief sting in adult film under the name Jerome White has not been an obstacle, as many thought it would. "Imagine being first picked for basketball and also for cricket," explains Gumbel. "Not imagine getting a job on the race card and also being paid like a cracker. This is the very essence of being 'almost black like me.'"

Due to the wave of success the book has earned, Oprah Winfrey's publicist has indicated that they may push back the release of her expose "Mostly Black, But All Sista" and further that they may change the title to "Girlfriend with Ten Million Benjamins". Oprah herself was unavailable but a recorded statement at her residence thanked us for calling and kindly invited us to leave a message at the tone.

In the book Bryant Gumbel, who's friends affectionately call him Bryant Gumble, eludes to his membership in the Kinda Black Club, allegedly founded by Little Richard and consisting of such demi-brothers as Will Smith, Mariah Carey, Alfonso Ribeiro (Carlton Banks from Fresh Prince) and Jaleel White (Steve Urkel from Family Matters). "My colleagues and I have learned to focus our blackness and synthesize it so all races can appreciate us, while we ourselves have been completely stripped of any race. I'm a jack of all races, a master of none."

He concludes his book with a look tot he future. "We're proud of our androthnicity and complete lack of heritage. Some of us have had genetic conditioning or varying degrees of blackendectomies, while others go tanning and get jerry curls. No matter how you slice it we are the future. We are the very image of single generation evolution. We are the most extreme of minority, though the majority can not see it. That is why we can and will rise to power. Our day is near. Be ready for the new era."


1st Annual Who-Bang-a-Thon a Total Flop

Above: With only a half hour until "go time" the guys still thought they were going to have stories for their grandkids.

Mac Townsend and company were hoping for a party of unimaginable magnitude and some killer videos when they advertised and hosted the 1st annual who-bangathon. This event was intended to draw hootchies from all across the tri-county area to participate in a mad sequential orgy with him and his colleagues Jace Watson and Robbie Miller. Unfortunately instead it turned out to be a "sausage fest" with not only a lack of women but also an abundance of guys hoping for sloppy seconds, thirds and/or fourths.

The promoters of the event report losses may run as high as $85. Kinko's provided much of the printing with a 10% volume discount. Fliers were distributed to private college campus's and church youth groups. Costs were to be offset by video royalties and steep admission fees for male participants.

"I told you we should have hit the nail salons," explained Jace, discouraged with his endeavor. "Nail salons, tanning salons, checks cashed, tattoo and piecing emporiums and AA meetings. That's where the who's are at!"

"Yeah," added Robbie. "Methadone clinics, abortion clinics, plasma centers, homeless shelters. All kinds of places." His comment largely drew blank stares.

Mac explained his intention of attracting a different quality of "who's" to the event and apologized repeatedly for the embarrassing failure.


Today's New Headlines... (updated every day)

 Papal Problems at O'Hare


Having set off the metal detector, things went from bad to worse for Pope John Paul II (George and Ringo optional). See Ain't nothing but a Pope Thang, C9


Militant Munchins Conquer 6-Flags for Equal Rights

Demanding height restrictions be abolished, the cutest pack of domestic terrorists ever over-take the famed theme park See It Ain't the Bat, It's How You Swing It, F12


Matt Damon talks & talks & talks & talks & talks about his success

See Entertainment is Entertaining, G21


This week Glossy News proudly features Porno-scopes. Insightful interpretations customized just for you. Also available in Redneck. SEE HOROSCOPES, D14.


Kids Guide to Hell

See Comix, G7 (not Hagar the Horrible, just a remarkable similarity, wink-wink)


Enron Field to be More Aptly Named

Mounting corporate scandals have caused the renaming of what used to be Enron Field. See Dirty Bastards, V196


In order for Glossy News to get you the freshest headlines we print first and ask questions later, or typically not at all. We take full responsibility for retractions and prominently display the truth right up front. See My Bad, V196


 Letters to the Editor

Feedback from the headlines to the front lines. See Okay, Cool, Whatever, E8

Kill popups now and forever for free. Simple Download (not a sponsored link, just a good choice.)

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