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Cheney Returns from Hide & Seek
Coinciding with the 9-11 anniversary, Vice President Dick Cheney spent ten days in an undisclosed location. White house officials insure us that there was no credible threat to the nation, but that he was simply filling in for the president in "an important matter."
Cheney spoke briefly this morning but was unable to discuss where he had been or why, saying only, "As vice president, I have to take the presidents place in many of his responsibilities. How the hell it benefits him or the nation for me to go away for ten days and a couple of two day follow-ups, I'll never understand."
This morning the President was schedule to meet with DC mayor Marion Berry and four convicted criminals* in an unprecedented out-reach program. Prior to the meeting president Bush explained, "It was imperative to the ongoing well being of our nation that [Cheney] perform certain necessary duties on my behalf. I feel much better from it, almost cured I'd say, and I doubt the events of this meeting will be affected by it in any way."
Bush further added, "Hey, have you guys heard about the whole Saddam Hussein thing? We are going to totally kick his lilly ass."
Cheney insures us that his action did benefit the president, saying, "This has been frustrating for all of us, but the president faced a very, very long road to success. Rest assured, he is within, say, ten to twelve steps of reaching his goal."
* [Editorial note] - The criminals had been convicted of misdemeanor charges of both prostitution and drug possession and/or dealing.
ATF to Regulate Mullets
In a long anticipated move, the US bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms has been put in charge of the staunch regulation of mullets, and their possession.
"It's been a long time in the works," explains Lance Berkhalter, deputy director the newly reformed ATF&M. "When the bureau was originally founded, a hillbilly BBQ consisted of three inseparable elements, those being alcohol, tobacco and firearms. Times have changed and a fourth inseparable element has long been involved. I'm speaking, of course, of the mullet."
Until now there has been no regulation on who may possess a mullet, nor any kind of mullet registration. Many have complained of the dangers this has presented. An Akron Ohio woman tells Glossy News, "I am always worried when my son goes to visit his father. His father has a friend with a mullet and I never know when he'll be coming around with that thing, and that's just not safe around children."
Although mullets and cocaine were both very popular in the 1980's, it was believed with the crackdown on cocaine trafficking, that the mullet would soon die out. Largely that belief was correct, but the few remaining strongholds are determined to fight this new regulation.
King County Sheriff James Morgan tells us that there are "...areas where mullets remain a serious problem, typically about fifty to a hundred miles outside of any major city." Police are now sharing profiles they have put together in past years. These files name specific mullet militants as well as those factories, or salons as they call themselves, where the mullets themselves are created.
"Many agricultural towns are going to see their mullet dealers disappearing. They have not been specifically outlawed at this time, but it is important to regulate their quantity and distribution, as well as collect a fashion tax on those willfully possessing them."
President Bush has been under growing pressure from the UN in recent years to put a stop to the growing mullet epidemic, even though there is no risk of it spreading beyond US borders. This move is only the first of many steps needed in order to comply.
Our reporters were able to find a man with a mullet at the swap meet, just by looking at his hair. When asked his opinion of the new regulations he replied, "You ax me what I think? Plain dumb, expecially since my girl loves it so good."
Random Pickup Line Generator
Hey baby, we got you covered. You dig chicks? We can help you out See, Terrible, Terrible Suggestions C74.
Gore's New "No Win" Campaign Gathers Momentum
Intern Accidentally Deletes the Internet
Despite sufficient training, a couple misplaced keystrokes deleted the entire internet.See, You... Ignorant... BASTARD!, G1
Council to Vote on Nude Pool League
Come on, what more do I have to say man?Just click the stupid button, you know you want to see it, G1
There may look like a reasonable similarity to Heathcliff, but we assure you this tasty tidbit is completely unique!See Komix 4 Kids, E7
Despite liking a broad range of music, he and his co-workers manage to perpetually irritate one another. See, "What the hell are you listening to?, A11.
After subordinate employees were found to have starting understanding middle-management jargon, the huh-sayers kick it up a notch.See I got yer labor right here, pal. C12.
In order for Glossy News to get you the freshest headlines we print first and ask questions later, or typically not at all. We take full responsibility for retractions and prominently display the truth right up front. See My Bad, ZZ196
Come back next week to see the list of what doesn't work.
Letters to the Editor
Feedback from the headlines to the front lines. See Okay, Cool, Whatever, E8
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