Previously elected President Al Gore, who refused to serve as President of the United States on the advice of his campaign advisors (Jeb Bush and Dick Cheyney), announced today that he will make yet another stab at "not winning" the American presidency.

Gore pointed out that he is "laughably confused" by the entire democratic election process.

"Folks," smiled Gore: "I've absolutely no chance of winning.. not a prayer. But if I run I will screw things up for Progressives and Democrats who do run. Yes, I bring a tremendous confusion and desire to well... lose, with me. I'm not just a family man, I'm a guy who could screw up a one car funeral... honest! I'm asking you to vote for me. Please.... if you hate America, loathe intelligence, and want to see the current war-monger business man regime contine for four more years, then vote for Al Gore."

Mr. Gore grew quiet at one point and then morose. He then made an astounding revelation.

"I converted to the Republican Party during the Reagen years," said Gore: "Yes, I've done more for Republicans than Abe Lincoln. No one even guessed that I had joined the corporate capitalists while still pretending I was the working mans friend."

Gore announced that he will run on a Ku Klux Klan supported platform in "all Black areas," and that he has been secretly advising Arab terrorists on the advice of his personal advisor Dick Cheyney, who has himself made a fortune selling oil equipment to Saddam Hussein. "Dick knows the Arab world," smiled Gore,"and he has helped me understand the wonders of the Free Market System."

Gore then shot three innocent people while insulting reporters and shouting loudly that he was "lively, not robotic.". He sang a passable parody of the ancient Beatle tune: "I'm a Loser."

Newly hired Gore advisor Lydon La Rouche asked that anyone interested in the Gore Non Campaign send their contributions to whomever the Republicans choose to run for President. Should Gore supporters not want to send their money to the Republican campaign, La Rouche advised that they then send the money to: Gore - No Win Campaign, Box 555, Enron Bldg. Lee Harvey Oswald Drive, Dallas, Texas, 00990). Gore will then funnel the money to "the terrorist group of your choice."

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