It seems there was one or more small clerical error(s) in our last edition. Please note the following corrections:

Last week we reported about the rise of glitter as an STD. As an editorial note it's important to point out that I personally contracted the infliction just last weekend at the Showbox in Seattle. The half-life of glitter is apparently around 5 days. As such every five days you will have half as much glitter infliction as before. Though I have infected my room mate, half of my office staff, no less than twenty completely innocent passers-by, as well as the electric company guy who came to read the power meter. Watch out everyone.

It was reported that Congress was moving to accelerate the earth to near the speed of light . The unmentioned intention was the goal of slowing down time on earth. Though it would feel as though time were passing exactly as it is now, it would actually be spanning many millions of years. Although we would be likely to die within hours of begining the process (earth hours of course) we would actually be able to prolong the existence of humans in the universe far beyond what is presently believed to be possible.

Best we can tell everything else is true, accurate and chock full of wisdom.