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At any given time the US Center for Disease Control is tracking the spread of as many as 85 sexually transmitted diseases ranging from monkey clap, genital ticks, corroso-gyne, to nasal gonnorhitis. This summer, however, glitter is fast becoming the epidemic in New England.
Most often contracted from young girls attending parties, glister is a shiny speckled disease comprised primarily of plastic and happiness. Glitter affects the appearance of skin on those infected and can also be carried on clothing or in small plastic vials available at any dollar store. Typically this glitter rubs off from the infected person to her partner during any sexual contact, even necking.
Robert Stewart, a high school senior, contracted glitter from a "slutty little sophomore" at his sister's birthday sleepover. "It was awful. We were just making out and talking and I was even wearing a condom already just in case and I wake up the next morning and I'm like 'Oh no, what did I do?'" Robert had glitter on his face and hands despite repeated washings before going to his nearby clinic for treatment.
Dr Shaw at the Bellport Kiddy Pregnancy Clinic tells us, "We're seeing a lot of it this year. Thought it would be another summer for weeping cuticle sores, but no such luck. Kids come in here all sparkly and we don't even have to get the story, though we always do. Some of them are pretty messed up. I don't know, maybe it's my thing. So we just prescribe them lava soap, a loofa sponge, and send them on their way."
Infected persons usually revocer completely within 3-5 days of treatment, but if they don't wash out their clothes and bedding properly, it can come back faster than mexi-crabs at Cinqo de Mayo, and I think our readers pretty much all know about that first hand.
Despite it's epidemic growth and ease of spread, police are not concerned. Chief Kenny Ness spoke candidly with us, "Hey come on, boys want to gamble their chowder spouter's, that's their own deal. But in statutory rape cases glitter is more accurate than DNA in tracking who's been tapping who's little girls, you know? Parents in this community are glad their little cocksuckers got glitter."
Amanda Clark is a freshman at Mt. Holyoke College, and insists she's not a little cocksucker, though quite talented. "I'm glad it was glitter because as soon as [my boyfriend] came over I knew he'd been slumming his package around. Even though it was still in his hair and on his nose he tried to deny it. Said he must have caught it from a toilet seat or something."
We learn that Amanda's situation is not so uncommon. CDC officials are praising glitter for it's high visibility with their slogan "If can see, let him keep it," citing their difficulty in containing more illusive hump-nasties such as genital leprosy and the itchy sphincter syndrome. Both of those can be passed from partner to partner before the infected person will exhibit telltale signs such as absence of genitalia or a scratching at one's one sphincter.
Today is Local Cheapskates Birthday...
(every day)
"Thank you, thank you all so much," says Bill Gant as he's served his complimentary birthday dessert and given 20% off his total dinner bill. The restaurant workers treat him very well and all come to greet him with warmest wishes.
"This one wasn't so good," he explains. "Most give at least half off, a lot of them go free. Movie rentals, movie tickets, fast food, you name it. Anywhere you pay, I don't and I'm not even a criminal."
Walking through his living room, Bill shows us his collection of commemorative cups and mugs, his artwork and his scrap book of celebrity photos. "Oh, you can do anything on your birthday. Go to the VIP room, get courtside tickets, be introduced to just about anyone. They are always like 'No sorry, no time. Oh it's your birthday? Okay, but be quick about it.'"
In fact, Bill Gant has not paid for a movie nor ice cream since November of 1992. By alternating where he goes and which employees he approaches, he has not paid more than a total of $300 for food in the past eight years. "Yeah, sometimes you get somebody who doesn't really want to give you a free martini or mow your yard, then you pull the whole 'Oh that's fine I'll just... oh, I guess I can't afford it anyway' and they totally buckle."
Compounding the sympathy is that he always works alone, thus being by himself on his perpetual self-proclaimed birthday. "Sometimes I'll book a dinner for like six people, show up and order a round of drinks and four appetizers. I eat them and then when no one shows up I get all sad and they just turn me loose. I mean, what kind of a dick would make a total loser like that pay for his food?"
Famed cheapskate expert Frank Morris, Ph.D., author of "Gee that's purdy, if only I could afford it" heard tell of the Bill Gant method. "That's awesome," exclaimed Morris, "I always stretch it out at least a good three weeks in either direction, but all year? Wow, that man really pushes the envelope." In his book he explains the freedom of only being given six months to live due to a mix up at the hospital, but he explains that the Bill Gant method yields more gifts and fewer people asking if they can have your CD's.
"Bouncers, dancers, dealers, rock stars, box seats, parking tickets, you name it, I got diplomatic immunity and star quarterback all rolled in to one." Gant, who earns $9.50 an hour has already accumulated over $3 Million in savings, which he invests in any company he doesn't frequent.
Based on the oddity of his birthday schedule, scientists are unable to determine his exact age but estimate it between 18 and 940 years. Upon hearing the reason for the confusion one grew quite upset and offered to "cut him open to count the rings". Gant himself can not recall his age but assures us that today is in fact his birthday and supports it with "It's impolite to ask one's age."
We asked him if it ever back fires. "Cops don't like it. They have your ID right there and they aren't [always] stupid. Then I have to back pedal and say like I'm adopted and today is my REAL birthday. Then I say my mom just died, but most cops don't care if you just watched your own child be disemboweled. Heartless types, you know."
NAACP Declares Kidnapping a Hate Crime
Newly Discovered Solar System Resembles Ours
"Probably full of same kind of assholes we have here," say scientists.See, Kiss My Astral, G1
Congress Moves to Slow Time
Congress approves a plan to accelerate earth to near light speed, in order to slow down economic decline.See Congress vs. Progress, G31
There may look like a reasonable similarity to the FAMILY CIRCUS, but we assure you this tasty tidbit is completely unique!See Komix 4 Kids, E7
Forget the McRibs and the Cajun Chicken, McDonalds has moved from the malt shake to the malt liquor arenaFries before liquor, never sicker, A10.
Citing an array of labor disputes, the long term boulder roller for Hades is on the picket line... by himself.See I got yer labor right here, pal. C12.
In order for Glossy News to get you the freshest headlines we print first and ask questions later, or typically not at all. We take full responsibility for retractions and prominently display the truth right up front. See My Bad, ZZ196
Letters to the Editor
Feedback from the headlines to the front lines. See Okay, Cool, Whatever, E8
Hey baby, we got you covered. You dig chicks? We can help you outSee, Terrible, Terrible Suggestions C74.
Did you know a new Chinese Restaurant opens every 2-15 seconds across North America and that Glossy News keeps you up to date?See, Restaurants C14.
For that matter, did you know a new Mexican Restaurant opens every second in California? Glossy News keeps you up to date on that too. Every single one, as it opens baby. This is NEWS man, I tell youSee, Yep, More Restaurants C18.
New cartoon every day, new column every week. He global, baby.See, Jason Groove-on, E17.
Kill popups now and forever for free. Simple Download (not a sponsored link, just a good choice.)