Disillusioned European ISIS Recruits Post List of Demands: Doesn’t End Well

European ISIS recruits have experienced a bit of a culture shock recently.

Jolly jihadis all over Europe have had difficulty acclimatizing to the rather austere conditions; so a recent list of grievances has been sent to the currently headless leadership of the Islamic State.

French jihadists are irritated at having to get up at 5 am every day for training, and are suggesting a 15-hour week, along with a nice slap-up meal every seven days.

Scottish and English Jihadis are concerned at the lack of alcohol.

The more middle-class ones among them also wonder if some kind of special drinking dispensation could be made for British jihadists, in the name of cultural diversity, tolerance, acceptance and inclusion; all the things the evil Western Christian/Atheist/Jewish/Gayo Neoliberal order stands against!

Danish jihadists think there should be a little more ‘personal space,’ and are unhappy about having to behead their captors; as they normally prefer a good 2 meters or so between them and their enemies.

And their strategic allies?

Maybe a meter-and-a-half.


By fairly obvious contrast, Italian jihadists argue that Trumpian ‘pussy-grabbing’ should not be technically haram; and are a little concerned at why they are only allowed to sexually harass the locals when given clear permission by their leaders; and not a single moment before!

However, it turns out that this has not been well received.

“One had absolutely no idea howsoever such was going to be one’s fate,” sobbed one not-so-jolly middle class jihadi from High Wycombe, Buckinghamshire.

“After all, one has only come to the bally Caliphate in the first place, in order to overthrow bourgeois neoliberalism, capitalist exploitation and hegemonic logocentrism. [NOTE FROM EDITOR: DON’T ASK! STAY AWAY FROM THE PSEUDO-INTELLECTUAL CLAPTRAP!]

“But for some reason, one’s spiffingly sexy veneration of cultural diversity, inclusion and tolerance has led one to come to a sticky end. One dares say they are almost as bad as the Tories, or the Liberal Democrats!

“Why, it is simply beyond all comprehension how political Islamists, when all is said and done, are not one piddling wikkurl whit better than the mainstream center left and center right! There is absolutely nothing postmodernly-correct about this Caliphate at all!”

Author: Wallace Runnymede

Wallace is the editor of Brian K. White's epic website, Glossy News! Email him with your content at wallacerunnymede#gmail.com (Should be @, not #!) Or if you'd like me to help you tease out some ideas that you can't quite put into concrete form, I'd love to have some dialogue with you! Catch me on Patreon too, or better still, help out our great writers on the official Glossy News Patreon (see the bottom of the homepage!) Don't forget to favourite Glossy News in your browser, and like us on Facebook too! And last but VERY MUCH not the least of all... Share, share, SHARE! Thanks so much for taking the time to check out our awesome site!