WASHINGTON – The Pentagon announced today that the Islamic State (ISIS) has blown up two American battleships, the Maine and the Lusitania in the Gulf of Tonkin.
Brigadier General Lance Boyle stated: “ISIS was very foolhardy in using weapons of mass destruction to blow up two American battleships that were peacefully passing through the Gulf of Tonkin on separate humanitarian missions.”
Reportedly, the Maine was delivering a large supply of authentic American GMO snack products to the people of Vietnam, who had been suffering from an acute shortage of potato chips.
The Lusitania had left Pearl Harbor days earlier on its mission to deliver an experimental Ebola vaccine to the West African nation of Mali. The Lusitania was scheduled to deliver the new vaccine in exchange for 10,000 tons of gold, for which the people of Mali reputedly no longer have any use.
The Pentagon refused to respond to questions about how the Lusitania was to find a safe port in the land-locked West African nation.
“It’s surprising how much reach ISIS really has,” said General Boyle. “Until now, we thought of ISIS as landlocked in Syria and Iraq. The fact that they can use WMDs to attack our ships as far away as Southeast Asia proves they are truly a global threat.”
“Now they have enraged us to wage a long or even perpetual war against them. We won’t stop until we have eradicated them from Syria, Iraq, Iran, Russia, China, or any other countries that may harbor them.”
ISIS has released short videos depicting the destruction of the Maine and the Lusitania. While American intelligence claimed that analysis of the authenticity of the videos was “inconclusive,” independent video analysis on YouTube claims that the ISIS videos are crude compilations made by splicing of scenes from several Hollywood movies, including The Titanic (1997), U-571 (2000), and Pearl Harbor (2001), along with shots of toy model ships in a black bathtub taken with an IPhone 4.