Disclaimer: An earlier version of this was previously published on TheSpoof.com. Still, the warning below about the 21st century’s deadliest rap grudge still bears repeating. Don’t say I never warned you.
OK, so right, there’s a lot of jive goin’ down about the so-called grudge between Tupac and Biggie; however, this mainstream, far-from-edgy storm in a teacup pales in comparison to the biggest, baddest rap grudge in history. Check it.
Kanye West recently had these well-meaning but uncomplimentary words for his fellow bad-ass mother******, L L Cool J:
OK, so haters all out there chatting shit about me, they’re sayin’ I hate L L Cool J, that I think he’s a pussy. That’s real harsh, man! You know, I actually kinda respect this bitch, know what I’m sayin’?…
I mean, I’m not gonna lie to you… whenever you’s wantin’ to be grindin’ up the dancefloor and have all the bitches screamin’ your name, there’s only one goddamn motherf***** K-to-the-W that’s gonna work it.
Still, if you’ve had a hard day’s work, you come home feeling really crap and tired, and you don’t feel like some hard core bitchin’ rappin’ it up, I mean there’s something else you can do. I mean, you can get a cup of tea like those hipster English pussies, kick back, relax, smoke some tobacco or Colorado’s finest…
And last but by no means least, (yeah, for real!), put on a bit of L L Cool J to chill out; at least until there’s some decent shit on the radio.
I mean, again, I’m not gonna lie to you; you’d get pretty damn bored doin’ that all the time; no shit! But it’s nice wallpaper music; ya know, like Vivaldi’s Recorder Concerto in C major (RV 443), or some shit like that.
LL Cool J is unimpressed with this conciliatory gesture from his erstwhile hater.
You know, please don’t think I’m arrogant, but I sort of think I am a kind of polite rapper… I do so very much hope you know I don’t swear or curse or inject heroin on stage; I don’t slap my dancers, because I believe in treating women with respect… And I’m not homophobic, because I would never do that, and I know that any one of us might wake up gay one day, and we might be treated kind of bad by nasty folks.
Still, now that you are being nice and listening to me, please just let me say this, if it’s OK. Oh, please, please, please, may I? Kanye West patronizes me, and that makes me feel so terribly, terribly sad. OH, he is so very, very unkind to me. It’s just so sad, and I feel so very, very unhappy. Oh, you know, I would never point a gun at Kanye’s face and threaten him. That is not nice behavior. But how, oh how I so very wish I could just speak to this nasty person and say:
“Kanye West, I think you are a very mean man! And you hurt my feelings so very much; you do, you do!”
You know, my daddy has always told me we must always try to be so very very kind to people, because one day, if we are not, other people might speak ill of us. But oh, oh, please, please do forgive me Kanye, but I kind of want to say, I think you are a bit of a nasty man, and you make me feel so very hurt and rejected. But… yes, please, please be nicer to me. I think you are a nice person deep down. And I do not like people being nasty and unpleasant to me, and hurting my precious feelings. Please try to be nicer, if you can. That’s what my mommy has always said.
You know, deep down, I do ACTUALLY think you are kind of OK; so please would you find it in your heart to consider not hurting me? Oh, it’s just too much to bear… boo hoo hoo!.. Oh, do please try to forgive me for speaking ill of Kanye, if you can; I am pretty sure he is not a bad person, deep down; but he has made me feel so very, very, very VERY unhappy. Boo hoo hoooooooooo!
I came back to Kanye with this hardcore fightin’ talk. Kanye was not so impressed as you might think.
“You freakin’ kiddin’ me! That bitch sounds like some freakin’ pre-adolescent schoolkid with terminal passive-aggressive syndrome. Is this what passes for rap feuds nowadays? I mean, seriously, I don’t even know why I bother. You know what, this bitch doesn’t even deserve a freakin’ smack. Pitiful little mother******!…
Still, whatever happens, cryers gonna cry.”
Still not satisfied with my egregious shit-stirring, I told LL Cool J about Kanye’s reconciliatory message.
I’m afraid Kanye was actually surprisingly prescient about “cryers gonna cry;” on this one, at least, sagely Rasta prophets like Snoop Lion had nothing on him. All I could hear was a “boo-hoo-hooooooooooooo!”
Well, forget Tupac/Biggie. The word on the streets is, there’s a new grudge in town; and it will laugh at you, cry at you and vomit all over you in a manner beyond your worst nightmares. I mean, hell, there already IS blood on the streets….
Well, OK, Actually not “blood” as such; just some low sugar, organic, gluten-free, fair trade beetroot juice that limply fell from the trembling palms of a sorrowful and tearful L L Cool J.
Still, this could be a harbinger of things to come; in the 21st century’s most vicious, brutal, violent and deadly rap grudge of all. Don’t say I didn’t warn ya.