Breaking News: Russia Plans Invasion of Scotland if They Secede

The Russians have taken a keen interest in the vote for Scottish secession from Britain. Maybe too keen an interest.

The British MI6 has picked up information that seems to point to the Russians invading Scotland should the ‘Yes’ vote on independence pass.

Here are some of the taped telephone conversations that they have intercepted from Russian higher-ups in their political system (translated):

“…yeah, Sergei, once the Scots break off they won’t know how to use those Trident missiles they got and they’ll be sitting pigeons….”

“…we can pull a Crimea on them and they won’t know what hit them! All the western nations will just sit there with their thumbs up their ass and won’t know what to do. Maybe we’ll shoot down an airliner over the highlands too just for laughs and watch them piss themselves silly…”

“…we take Scotland and we’ll have the British in a headlock…”

“…imagine listening posts only three meters away from England’s northern border…”

“…we’ll have a base that will keep the West from being able to stop our Arctic oil development. We might eventually take over the North Sea rigs too…”

“…first Scotland, then Norway and Northern Sweden too. Throw in the Shetlands as well…”

“…the national anthem will go from Scotland the Brave to Scotland the Slave…”

“…we’ll James Bond the limey bastards!!!!”

“…we’ll Ukrainitize them…”

Related overheard messages show things in yet another light:

“…them leaving the British Commonwealth will make the breakup of Mother Russia under Gorbachev not seem so bad…”

“…if we can get them to break off from England and then Texas from the U.S. we’ll have really accomplished something big!”

“…now if we could only incite the Muslims there to revolt they will have their own Chechen to deal with…”

(Sung in heavily accented English) “…oh, breakin’ up is hard to do…”

Vaguely related posts are also being given scrutiny:
“…I hear shagging Scottish women is like taking on a horse- well-built and puts up a fight! They whinnys when you plug them. Can’t wait to try!”

“…all I want to know is if we are going in are their winters are easier than these Moscow ones…”

“…is their whiskey really as good as they say it is?”

“…Damn! Do we have enough body bags left?”

Putin had a final say in the matter “We are not in any way interfering with the sovereignty of the nation of Scotland.”

Meanwhile men dressed in camouflage with rubber boats speaking a strange language were found on the northern beaches at night….

Author: rfreed

I was born and I died. Being a disembodied entity makes it very cheap for me to get by. Not having to worry about eating or having a place to live gives me a lot of freedom to squander my time writing occasionally funny articles. See more almost funny stuff at