At the Russian/Ukrainian border the so-called ‘humanitarian aid’ convoy sent by Putin stops to do a final check on what supplies they will be delivering to the Ukrainians on the other side. Two Russian majors exit the first two vehicles carrying clipboards and meet at the back of the first truck.
“OK Dimitri, let’s take a final check on everything.”
“Yes, Sergei. Let’s get it over with quick. I haven’t had lunch yet.”
RIGHT: “No comrade, there is nothing suspicious about how almost completely empty these “aid” trucks are.
“Da. Here is the list. First, humanitarian items for the glorious pro-Russian patriotic troops and citizens: coffee, bread, powdered milk, toilet paper, eye glasses, blankets, car tires, bandages, ground beef, boots, lemons, sweaters, sugar, long underwear, condoms.”
“Check. Da, good. Now let’s go over the list of humanitarian items for the traitor Ukrainian fascist sub-humans:
• coffee laced with strychnine,
• bread with tiny metal fragments baked in,
• powdered milk with powdered glass mixed in,
• toilet paper soaked in poison ivy juice,
• eye glasses with two different lenses of different strengths in each to ruin eyesight,
• blankets infected with smallpox,
• overly thin car tires that will explode easily,
• bandages laced with Ricin,
• ground beef made from diseased cows,
• boots designed to fall apart in the first rain,
• lemons injected with battery acid,
• sweaters infected with bedbugs,
• sugar mixed with tainted heroin,
• long underwear designed to constrict around major blood vessels when sweat contacts them,
• condoms that shrink castratingly when wet,
• 5,000 copies of Das Kapital by Karl Marx.”
“Check.”
“We must make sure to keep the two shipments separate.”
“Da! It would be tragic to deliver to the wrong people.”
“Da. Putin would have our heads on a pike……and our balls.”
“Da. Let’s get going. Let’s sneak a couple trucks across the border now; the stupid Ukrainians aren’t watching.”
“Hee, hee. Let’s go for for it!”