Categorized | Travel, World News

State Department Issues Travel Warning for Surface of the Earth

State Department Issues Travel Warning for Surface of the Earth

The State Department has issued a warning for people traveling throughout Terra Firma and surrounding bodies of water.

The warning came after officials at the Bureau of Consular Affairs identified explicit dangers in the 196,939,900 square-mile area, ranging from excessive rates of murder and sexual violence, political unrest, terrorism, economic and social instability, to threats of infectious disease and increased chance of natural disasters including hurricanes, floods and radioactive tsunamis.

“We’ve officially issued a warning for people who are moving about the planet’s oceans, its islands and its outlying continents,” said Colby Jennings, spokesman for the State Department in Washington D.C.

“Travelers who find themselves on, or to either side of the Prime Meridian Line should take extra precaution whether they’re traveling the planet’s surface by plane, boat, train, equine or skateboard.”

The Department of Homeland Security (DHS) issued a statement on the matter, providing tips for anyone planning on crossing the threshold of their front door and into the danger zone.

“Your best bet is to always carry your passport and try to keep travel limited to moving between the rooms in your house,” said Kurt Jergenson, Chief Tactical Special Liaison Ameritus and Lead Consulting Terrorologist for the DHS. “If you happen to find yourself on the crust or outer mantle of the planet, make sure to find a safe place to hide from the chaos, such as a coffee shop, Army base, college campus, movie theater or elementary school. (UPDATE: PREVIOUS STATEMENT REDACTED.)

The State Department is especially discouraging international, interstate, intercounty, intercity, intertown and interstreet travel until further notice. Officials are urging people to only travel out of necessity, i.e., trips to malls to make trivial purchases in hopes of filling the spiritual void left by the meaninglessness of debt-slave/consumer existence. Or in the event one needs to visit a local gun shop to add fire-power and neighbor-envy to a home arsenal.

Officials are urging people to take heed of the warning but are also stressing that people remain calm. Anyone experiencing anxiety related to human violence or being a self-aware ape hurling through the galaxy on giant water-rock, is advised to immediately consult a medical doctor. Preferably a doctor trying to write enough Zoloft prescriptions to earn a free vacation to the South of France paid for by his pharmaceutical overlords.

Should humans avoid self annihilation long enough to make technological leaps in interstellar travel, yet continue to fail in loving one another unconditionally, officials say the warning will likely expand to undiscovered earth-like planets throughout the Milky Way.


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A. Russell is just his Pen Name, which just adds unnecessary confusion because no one knows who he is anyway. @andybalchunas on Twitter


3 Responses to “State Department Issues Travel Warning for Surface of the Earth”

  1. Brian White says:

    I've been to earth. Used to know some people that lived there. It was nice, if a bit pretentious. I can tell you this travel warning is well-placed. This is easily the most dangerous planet I've ever visited.

  2. This is long overdue. Consular work overseas would be so much easier if everyone would just heed this warning!

  3. Angel O'Hara says:

    I’ve also been to earth, and know people from there. My parents are from earth. I don’t think it’s all that dangerous though.


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