As has been the proud tradition of this prestigious news publication since 1975, it is time for Glossy News’ Annual Year in Review for 2012, where we look back at the important news stories of the past twelve months that you missed because you were too busy playing Resident Evil 6 on your PlayStation 3.
In Part I of this two-part special report, we cover January through June. We’ve got a lot to cover, so let’s get started.
January: The Euro Zone crisis continues to deepen. But European Central Bank and IMF leaders calm jitters when they declare they’re close to reaching consensus on the outline of a resolution to come up with a tentative roadmap for a possible plan to assemble an exploratory advisory board to study the feasibility of launching a steering committee to look into a possible framework to solve the crisis, thus forestalling a complete economic collapse for another two weeks, and giving European leaders and bankers just enough time to funnel all their assets into an account in the Cayman Islands.
Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad insists there is absolutely no truth to the speculation that Iran is developing nuclear weapons. He further denies that he cheats at poker, is a lousy tipper or uses Just for Men to dye his beard. But he does confirm that he is in negotiations to appear on Dancing with the Stars.
In other news, in the hotly contested Republican primary, Newt Gingrich surges to become the front runner for the GOP presidential nomination.
February: The Academy Award for Best Picture goes to a silent movie, The Artist, narrowly edging out Mars Needs Moms. Based on the success of the first silent movie in over 50 years, Hollywood immediately launches plans to roll out dozens more silent movie projects, including silent movie remakes of My Dinner with Andre, 12 Angry Men, and The King’s Speech.
In a related story, the long-awaited movie The Vow, starring Hollywood heartthrobs Channing Tatum and Rachel McAdams, is released in February, which is all the proof you need that this movie must have totally sucked.
The New York Giants, with the worst regular season record of any team in the playoffs (9-7), defeats the New England Patriots, the team with the best record (13-3), thus teaching kids everywhere the valuable life lesson that you can mail it in for the first half of the year and still do just fine in the end.
Republican presidential contender Newt Gingrich declares that if elected, he will create a colony on the moon before the end of his second term. In a related story, Rick Santorum surges to become the front runner for the GOP presidential nomination.
March: After 244 year of publishing, the CEO of Encyclopedia Britannica finally decides to cease publishing a print edition. He further goes on to state they will no longer rely on Pony Express and hints that he may soon stop dictating his internal memos to staff by telegraph.
The United States has no official comment about the shocking, violent overthrow of the president of Mali in a coup d’état by mutinous soldiers mainly because 98% of Americans, including Herman Cain, have never heard of Mali. Former GOP frontrunner Newt Gingrich declares that if elected, he will build a colony on Mali.
Presidential contender Rick Santorum gets in hot water over controversial comments in which he questions Obama’s religion and warns that Satan is taking aim at America. In a related story, in the hotly contested Republican primary, Donald Trump’s hair surges to become the front runner for the GOP presidential nomination.
April: Great Britain throws a big bash, The Diamond Jubilee, celebrating Queen Elizabeth’s 60th anniversary on the British throne, where she has served as a role model for women everywhere for what to wear if you’re stuck in a 1950’s time warp. Technically, this Jubilee does not actually happen until June, but April was looking really skimpy for content and we figured you wouldn’t care.
Donald Trump’s hair claims to have proof that Obama is an alien from the planet Mali. In a related news story, in the hotly contested Republican primary, B-list actor and former voice of the AFLAC duck Gilbert Gottfried surges to become the front runner for the GOP presidential nomination.
May: The heavily hyped Facebook IPO becomes a debacle, with its stock price plummeting from the outset amid technical glitches on the NASDAQ Exchange and dozens of investor lawsuits threatening to de-friend the company’s website. clicks reach an all-time high. In a related story, the number of Google+ subscribers skyrockets to 17.
In an interview for ABC News, President Obama becomes the first sitting – or standing – president to publicly come out in favor of gay marriage. He goes on to add that if he were a woman he’d totally want to do it with Denzel Washington and thinks Joe Biden looks steaming hot in a toga.
June: In a landmark ruling few expected, The U.S. Supreme Court upholds the constitutionality of Obamacare, giving Obama a huge lift in the polls. In a related story, suddenly feeling bullet-proof about his chances in the election, Obama announces he was born in Kenya, is a devout Muslim, and, had his girls been born boys, he had planned to name them Mao and Lenin.
Elsewhere in the world, the Arab Spring continues as Egyptians elect Islamist Muslim Brotherhood candidate Mohamed Morsi president in a hotly contested election. Western political leaders worry that Morsi’s victory will mean Egypt will veer sharply right and become an iron-fisted, oppressive, corrupt police state with an all-powerful ruler. They all agree things were much better under the rule of his predecessor, the iron-fisted, corrupt, oppressive dictator Hosni Mubarak.