Kim Jong-Un was recently retro-actively married, and to a fine philly of a lady at that, assuming she’s not blood-related to him, which is a fairly big assumption indeed. The head of one of the most secretive states in the world, no less, was recently wed, and his wedding night surely was one for the ages.
We at GlossyNews have spared no expense. We paid off hundreds of Chinese and Korean guards and personal valets to give us the real skinny on the wedding night, as it went down, and we are proud, shocked and disgusted to report the following.
It seems all of these things that follow were called out from the honeymoon suite, and while we can’t be sure who said them, we have a pretty good guess.
Things Kim Jong-Un Cried Out on His First Night of Marriage
* My arms may be stubby, but my wrong ruv is wrong.
* Does this penis make me look fat?
* So, I stick my left leg in?
* Bear my Kim Jong-Deux
* I’m a grower not a show-er.
* Did you bring the U.N. inspector costume I got you?
* You want to touch my big rocket?
* Brastoff!
* Make me feel special or I have you killed, ok?
This story had additional contributions by WP Scranton
But you have to admit, he does have a really punchable face.
I think he said Is it a problem I’m only three inches… wide?
I thought he said “That’s a huuuuge bitch!”… oh wait, that’s what SHE said.