Things Kim Jong-Un Said on His Wedding Night

Kim Jong-Un was recently retro-actively married, and to a fine philly of a lady at that, assuming she’s not blood-related to him, which is a fairly big assumption indeed. The head of one of the most secretive states in the world, no less, was recently wed, and his wedding night surely was one for the ages.

We at GlossyNews have spared no expense. We paid off hundreds of Chinese and Korean guards and personal valets to give us the real skinny on the wedding night, as it went down, and we are proud, shocked and disgusted to report the following.

It seems all of these things that follow were called out from the honeymoon suite, and while we can’t be sure who said them, we have a pretty good guess.

Things Kim Jong-Un Cried Out on His First Night of Marriage

* My arms may be stubby, but my wrong ruv is wrong.
* Does this penis make me look fat?
* So, I stick my left leg in?
* Bear my Kim Jong-Deux
* I’m a grower not a show-er.
* Did you bring the U.N. inspector costume I got you?
* You want to touch my big rocket?
* Brastoff!
* Make me feel special or I have you killed, ok?

This story had additional contributions by WP Scranton

Author: Brian White

Brian first began peddling his humorous wares with a series of Xerox printed books in fifth grade. Since then he's published over two thousand satire and humor articles, as well as eight stage plays, a 13-episode cable sitcom and three (terrible) screenplays. He is a freelance writer by trade and an expert in the field of viral entertainment marketing. He is the author of many of the biggest hoaxes of recent years, a shameful accomplishment in which he takes exceptional pride.

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