Search for replacement country yields bric-a-brac
NEW DELHI – The organization of emerging economies, formerly known as BRICS, is struggling after the loss of the only member-state that contributed a vowel to the snappy acronym. At their most recent gathering, a conflict had reportedly developed that ended with India threatening to walk out.
The other member states responded to the ultimatum by preemptively expelling the Bollywood behemoth. Russian foreign Minister, Sergei Wiktorowitsch Lawrow, spearheaded the preemptive strike, declaring, “You do not ditch club. Club ditch you!”
According to claims by Indian representatives, the Brazilians and South Africans “started it,” as they taunted the Indian team, asking them when they were going to host their first Olympics. A Brazilian spokesperson denied the accusations.
“Why would we insult them for never hosting the games? Between the rest of us we’ve hosted only four games, and two of those haven’t happened yet.”
South Africa denied as well, adding, “If we’re talking about the Olympics, it’s more likely that we’d insult them for being the country with the lowest Olympic medals per capita. 1 billion people, 20 medals. You do the math.”
The organization now finds itself short a subcontinent and, more importantly, short a vowel. “Yes we expelled the Indians,” affirmed Brazilian President Dilma Pousseff at a conference the next day to discuss the fate of the organization.
“Apparently no one at the meeting was thinking about the integrity of our snappy acronym when they banished the ‘I.’ How do you pronounce BRCS without sounding like you’re choking?” she asked.
Russia’s excuse for the hasty banishment was its lack of familiarity with the Latin Alphabet.
“We were always convinced that the Latin letter ‘R’ was a vowel. In Russian it is. That’s why we were so quick to toss the ‘I,’” China, meanwhile, inquired what an alphabet is.
Hu Jintao, China’s Head Honcho #1, was quoted following an alphabet briefing stating, “Now I see the disaster. No one will take our organization seriously if they can’t pronounce it.”
Later that day, the leader of the Czech Social Democratic Party, Zdrněkrt Škrkmrchtbrx, affirmed in a demonstration of solidarity that “[he] and the Czech people have no trouble pronouncing the new name, and [would] continue to import counterfeit Chinese electronics.”
The organization formerly known as BRICS now finds itself pressured to take on a new member and thereby restore snappiness to the acronym. Within minutes of the declaration, Mexico and Turkey – both recognized emerging economies – announced their interest, only to receive rejection notices.
Turkey has revealed the contents of the notice, which read, “While your qualifications are impressive, quite frankly, we don’t know how we could integrate a ‘T’ into our current lineup.” Turkey responded by running several military exercises and demanding to see the “so-called qualifications that allowed a little [expletive] like South Africa to join the club in the first place.”
Mexico responded to its rejection by applying to change the name of its country to “Iceland,” apparently to better its chances. Under the threat of economic sanctions from the Icelandic government, however, Mexico backed down and hastily revised the name on its application to “New Iceland.” The organization formerly known as BRICS has since made it clear: “Consonant-initial states need not apply.”
Political experts had bet on Indonesia as the logical replacement for India, given its similar geographical location, similar birth rate, and similar initial letter. But prospects do not look bright. A spokesperson from the former BRICS organization articulated the group’s aversion to Indonesia.
“Yes, Indonesia is a great candidate. It has the economy, the development, the ‘I.’ But we have to think about our world image too, and, well, the landmass of this island nation just doesn’t look very intimidating on a map. Color Russia red on a map, you’ve got a communist cancer. Color Indonesia red and, well, it looks like a mild case of acne.”
Contention for the position remains open. Argentina has emerged as a front runner, but not all members support its inclusion. Brazil, namely, fiercely opposes admitting its South American neighbor. Brazil has not officially given reasons for its opposition, though many suspect that the country is worried about preserving its dominance in the organization’s pickup soccer games.
Another prolific candidate, Iran, rescinded its application when the organization stated there was “no chance” that the organization would change its name to CRIBS if another ‘I’-initial state was found.
Italy and Ireland are also rumored to be forming applications, as hinted by the Italian Finance Minister, Mario Monti.
“Our economies are just as far down the toilet as any of those ‘emerging’ economies. Why can’t we join?”
The organization formerly known as BRICS is expected to reveal its top three choices at a press conference later this week. But the intelligible pronunciation and the global credibility of the group have taken severe blows and are not likely to recover overnight. Both must be gradually built up, bric by bric.