Gore Collects Internet Royalties to Stop Global Warming

Geneva, Switzerland (GlossyNews) — Albert A Gore, Nobel Prize Winner and one of the pioneers of the internet and the modern World Wide Web, announced today that as of March 1, 2010, he will begin to collect royalties for commercial internet use.

Gore, in a move that is sure to shock businesses and users alike, will charge a small, recurring, royalty fee for each and every Internet Protocol (IP) address in use. Gore will also impose a 1 cent per email fee. The fees will be charged back through the internet service provider that manages the IP address and will eventually be collected by the CERN Center – the European Center for Nuclear Research, which pioneered the technology behind the World Wide Web.

Gore, who invented the internet and reserved the right to collect fees, stated that the purpose of the charges was to create a fund to fight global warming. By collecting a mere 10 cents a month for each IP address in use, as well as the email charges, Gore’s team has concluded that it can collect over $25 billion per year. With the money collected, Gore intends to create an international governance body, ‘Earth First Congress’, to create rules to stop global warming for good. Gore will serve as the organization’s first ‘Chairman’.

“We have reached a point where we can no longer rely on science or elected officials to save mother earth,” Gore remarked this morning. “We must forego science and instead use simple economics in order to force, yes, I said force, compliance with what we have determined to be the most effective measures, not to reduce our carbon foot print, but to eliminate it in the next 24 months.”

Gore’s plan will be based on economic coercion to buy or, what what some are terming, blackmail, governments into imposing and enforcing extreme conservation measures.

“We hope to be able to buy influence in the way the big industries do and force them out of business with their own tactics. Had I been elected in 2000, we would have implemented these planet saving policies years ago.”

Gore, who did not take questions, closed the news conference by saying, “It is no longer about individual countries or businesses or even citizens. It is about a single worldwide agency which will impose what is best for the world. Kind of like a concerned parent, or a big brother.”

Analysts have determined that Chairman Gore would also stand to make over $2 billion per year in personal royalties from the program beyond those he would contribute to the new Earth First Congress.

Author: Reverend Mike

@rev_rend Reverend Mike is a contributing editor for Glossy News. He was a Combat Chaplain with the Soviet Red Army in the 1980s. A career which he describes as an 'unappreciated field of endeavor'. He later worked as an Information Officer with the TASS News Agency on assignment in White Sands, NM. The collapse of the Soviet Union left him unemployed and homeless. He survived by selling magazine subscriptions door to door disguised as a college coed. He was later kidnapped and taken to Shanghai where he was sold into a white slavery ring. He lived as a concubine for a Japanese music industry mogul until 2002 when a wardrobe malfunction revealed his true identity. He found himself homeless and unemployed again, with only his collection of Polaroid snap shots. Reverend Mike has since scraped together a meagre living by blackmailing Japanese industrialists. Reverend Mike lives in a small 5 bedroom penthouse flat overlooking Central Park in New York City. His hobbies include exotic motorcycles, supermodels and owning small nations....