Mandelson-Scandalson Touted as Next Labour PM

This weekend, for the first time in British history since Liberal PM Archibald Primrose (Lord Rosebery) went fin-to-fin with Iceland in the 1895 Cod War, we have three prime ministers presiding over the country at once. – all of whom have as much grasp on actual cold plate supper reality as a chronic opium smoker – or Big Dave Cameron.

Harriet Hairbrain, the deputy leader of the Labour party, is in Downing Street as acting prime minister – and busy shredding mobs of MP sexpense claims for some rather dodgy items – including her latest purchases of a personal Jolly Jackrabbit erogenous zone vibrating stimulator and a set of Jimmy Choo-Choo chrome vanadium floral hanging baskets for her third home’s patio.

The official Prime Munster, Gordon ‘Incapability’ Brown, is on holiday in Scotland, digging holes in a Findhorn beach with his personal bucket and spade kit (Harrods – £12:99) hoping to unearth a long lost miracle.

Meanwhile, the real prime minister, Lord Peter Scandalson, is gently stirring his sorcerer’s brew in a cauldron dark – planning for the next General Election and getting ready to run the country with the required iron fist it so richly deserves.

For make no mistake, our Lord Scandalson, the inept Brown’s unofficial Minister for Sorting Shit Out, is now the most powerful man in Britain – and even though an unelected governemt official – he is regarded as an iniquitous Satanic persona that makes even the most entrenched career civil service Mandarins tremble – perhaps.

For the plot is thick and permeates the air for Gormless Gordon to surrender the reins of power to Gay Pete so he can lead Labour out of Tony Bliar’s ‘Valley of Credibility Lost’ and win the coming General Election.

Allies of Lord Mandelson throughout the political party spectrum, and the City itself, with turbo-powered Masonic mate Nattie Rothshite at the fore – are lining up a safe seat for him to return as an MP – and the become next Labour leader.

The astonishing plot would see his oligarch controllers rush through a law “within months” to let the Sleaze Secretary give up his as yet slightly stained life peerage before it’s actually run in and become Vermin ‘sans’ Ermine.

That would pave the way for him to stand as a prospective MP at the next General Election – currently pencilled in for next spring – and make an unprecedented third-time-loser return to the House of Conmans.

His supporters have identified at least one safe Labour seat in the North East into which they could parachute Scandalson. Once back in the Conmans, he would be the annointed foregone successor choice of the Masonic-Zionist cabal to succeed the hapless basket case Brown.

Several “Blairite” Labour MPs have disclosed that Scandalson – already seen as the Deputy PM in all but name – would be their top choice as the next party supremo.

They are now pushing Justice Secretary Jumping Jack Straw’s pre-prepared constitutional reform bill to become law immediately – if not sooner.

Crucially, the legislation will allow scumbag life peers like Scandalson to quit the House of Lords and re-enter the Conmans, which is at this present time banned.

His supporters believe they can line up a return for him to Cleveland’s coastal monkey-hanging country where he was MP for Cesspools East until 2004.

Ex-cabinet minister Hilary Porkbarrel, 93 – who is a close friend – is standing down at the election from her North East Dumpsters seat, which had a rocksolid 13,443 Labour majority – or did before the dodgy MP expenses outrage hit the publicity circuits.

A junior Whitehall civil servant, Coco de Twitte, told Pox News: “It would be an astonishing homecoming for darling Petey . But he has shown himself to be a hugely impressive figure since he returned to government – he’s mended fences with Gordon and had the railings painted around Number 10 too.”

“We realise his detractors label him as all boasts and dick and ribs – but what a spiffing chap. Really, I do envy his cuddly Brazilian electrician boyfriend Reinaldo.”

Scandalson’s entry into a leadership contest would be a blow to Home Secretary Alan Knobson, Foreign Secretary David Milliped and deputy leader Harriet Hairbrain, who all have an eye on the top job – but as much chance of getting it as Hell freezing over with the sleazebag City and EU / Brussels Illuminati backing Scandalson has acquired.

Last week he did not entirely rule out becoming PM during a Scumbag’s Half Hour interview on Sky Sleaze, but ventured: “That one might be a comeback too many – even for a snidey git like me.”

Scandalson has flippantly brushed aside any suggestion that he might become prime minister – but he has not fully discounted it – and neither have the Labour Party’s true rulers and bosses.

“Peter Scandalson is the only one sufficiently brass necked – and corrupt enough – who knows which closets the skeletons are hung up in – or where they’re buried – in the entire Labour ranks – and who could realistically take on the Tories and win at a general election,” claims Dr Ron Slugg, Labour’s top gastropod and vermine adviser.

The UK’s premier Shit-or-Bust bookies chain were giving 200 to1 odds last December on Scandalson ever becoming the next Prime Monster – odds which have been dropping like a whore’s knickers over recent weeks and currently stand at 16 to 1.

Conversely, even though the Rothschild muppet received yet a further hitch up the Labour hierarchy ladder in June when he was promoted to First Minister, in recognition of his role in staving off a leadership coup against Mr Brown, it isn’t too far from the public memory that he’s been fired more times than the Greenwich Observatory noonday cannon – and all for allowing ego to surpass intellect and impaling himself on his own unqualified arrogance.

Author: Rusty

Rusty's Skewed News Views are spoof publications, fired by the ironies of human nature and tempered with elements of satire and parody, and should not, therefore, be taken too seriously. These are inspired by traveling around the Earth more times than Skylab and composed while observing the inherent idiocies of Mankind. Thus lawyers be duly advised : All libel writs issued on behalf of offended humourless ego's and / or those blighted by unqualified arrogance herein lampooned may be addressed to : Rusty the Boddington's Badger, Igloo 27, Pasquinade Gardens, Penguin Parade, Ross Ice Shelf, Antarctica - or via