Gordon Brown Makes 3-Minute Stop In Afghanistan

During a surprise visit to Afghanistan yesterday to change his underpants Gordon ‘Culpability’ Brown gave a strong indication that more British troops will be sent to the basket case dump of a nation-sized midden to replace all the broken ones the Taliban have snuffed in recent weeks.

Speaking to troops in a bombproof Fuhrerbunker at their Bellend Province fortified base camp Brown claimed he wanted to speed up the training of Afghan soldiers and police, whom currently still need the nanny-like support of British troops – a service which military training mentors believe might well be possible to dispense with in the next twenty-five years.

He also pledged greater protection for troops from home-made roadside bombs by issuing suits of Cromwellian-era armour from the MoD’s old stocks at Woolwich Arsenal – and have the Scrapheap Challenge teams take over the mine-proof armouring of their Land Rover vehicles.

There are currently 9,000 UK troops in Afghanistan – mostly keeping their heads down in Bellend Province since their recent kill total topped 207 earlier this week.

However critics have termed Brown’s lightning visit a vote-canvassing mission as the British public no longer believe anything he says but the Afghan-based troop’s possible swing of 9,000 army postal votes might do him some good in the coming election.

In typical numpty politico fashion Brown informed the British contingent his aim was for Afghan troops to take more responsibility for their own affairs – excluding opium production – and possibly over the next year get another 50,000 Afghan army personnel trained up to a point where they didn’t all run off and hide whenever someone fired a gun – or shouted “Taliban!”

During his trip Brown informed the newly-installed military commander General Darlston Snivellington-Scrunt OBE that – in typical New Labour warmongering fashion – he wanted to see the Afghan army expanded from 75,000 to 135,000-strong by 2012, as well as thousands more police with an IQ higher than an opium-guzzling Pashto rock ape.

Stifled small talk was made of olive branches being proffered to perhaps commence a peace process and bring an end to the conflict with the rebel Taliban by having everyone sit around a table – or tribal campfire – and discuss their sectarian gripes and secular problems and maybe just invoke and usher in a peaceful egalitarian system of government that didn’t include any more corrupt crony US muppets like President Hamid Kami-Karzai.

However the mere mention of such elicited bouts of inward whistles, sighs, negative head-shaking and loud tut-tut’s from all and sundry in Brown’s ‘Allied Coalition of the Wiling’ audience – as that would upset the annual profit projection spreadsheets of the Western military-industrial cabals and definitely drop an effing big spanner into the lucrative zillion-dollar opium growing industry’s well-oiled gearbox.

Sky’s Shitraker Channel deputy political editor Ghengis McTwat, who was in Afghanistan with the prime minister, said some had accused Mr Brown of not doing enough to support British forces.

“After the army’s bloodiest summer so far and weeks of controversy over tinned Spam and Pol Pot insta-noodles shortages the Prime Minister wanted to show not just his support for British troops, he also wanted to restate his case for war – namely that unchecked terrorism in Afghanistan could reach the streets of Britain – just like the false flag 7/7/2005 attacks did – to remind British political leaders to heed their Zionist master’s orders – or else.”

McTwat added that PM Brown believed the bloody campaign to secure the recent Afghan elections was worth it, despite the low turnout in some areas due the peasant populations being snuffed en mass to extinction levels by US Predator drones.

At the close of his half-hour trip Brown pledged the newly-installed military commander General Darlston Snivellington-Scrunt to supply a lot more Band-Aids, Preparation H, Dettol, nappy rash cream – and Spam – before the week was out.

Author: Rusty

Rusty's Skewed News Views are spoof publications, fired by the ironies of human nature and tempered with elements of satire and parody, and should not, therefore, be taken too seriously. These are inspired by traveling around the Earth more times than Skylab and composed while observing the inherent idiocies of Mankind. Thus lawyers be duly advised : All libel writs issued on behalf of offended humourless ego's and / or those blighted by unqualified arrogance herein lampooned may be addressed to : Rusty the Boddington's Badger, Igloo 27, Pasquinade Gardens, Penguin Parade, Ross Ice Shelf, Antarctica - or via TheSatireStall.Blogspot.com

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