Suppose I told you this was the result of a conversation I had with a dear friend?
Let’s call her Fatima.
Suppose that, however, were only a pretext for a dialogue I imagined myself?
Never mind.
One way or another, we are here…
And we are here now.
***
ONE TONGUE JOHNNY:
It’s interesting that the people who are often most capable of taking a dispassionate and objective view of Islam, recognizing its merits and demerits in context, with rigor and nuance…
FATIMA:
Oh, here we go!
ONE TONGUE JOHNNY:
Are secular liberals and libertarians (either atheists, agnostics, or people with a loose and critical attachment to religion)….
FATIMA:
What? Are you serious?!
ONE TONGUE JOHNNY:
Who refuse to judge Islam either by a higher standard or a lower standard than any other human-invented ideology.
FATIMA:
What does that actually mean, though?
ONE TONGUE JOHNNY:
I.e. we who say that the Quran is the invention of human beings, and that Muhammad was a man, just like any other.
Or in a word: ‘Islamophobes!’
FATIMA:
That’s not what I mean when I say it, though.
ONE TONGUE JOHNNY:
Interesting irony.
If anything ever happened to Muslims in the USA or UK, God forbid, then it is the secular liberals and libertarians, the sogenannte ‘Islamophobes’ who would be standing up for Muslims.
FATIMA:
Are you sure about that?
ONE TONGUE JOHNNY:
Because we are the individualists.
And individualism means consistency.
FATIMA:
Are you quite sure about that though? You aren’t always consistent though, are you?
ONE TONGUE JOHNNY:
I satirize and criticize everyone, Faz! You know me!
FATIMA:
Yeah, but we don’t agree about boundaries of humour. I love you Jonathan, you’re a funny guy, but I really, really wish you just wouldn’t go so far sometimes.
ONE TONGUE JOHNNY:
Freedom of speech is not up for debate!
FATIMA:
I never said it was up for debate. But there’s a difference between doing stand-up, or writing for a blog or satire outlet, and posting stuff on your wall for everyone to see.
ONE TONGUE JOHNNY:
It’s my Facebook wall; why does it bother you that much?
FATIMA:
I can’t not see it, though. I’m not asking you to self-censor; I just want you to think a bit more.
ONE TONGUE JOHNNY:
So what about Charlie Hebdo?
FATIMA:
Oh for God’s sake! Why do you always bring that up?
ONE TONGUE JOHNNY: W
Why do you always bring ‘blasphemy’ up?
FATIMA:
Oh fuck off! You’re really taking the piss, Jonathan. I never even mentioned the word!!!
ONE TONGUE JOHNNY:
Sorry. I guess I’m being a bit over-sensitive today.
FATIMA:
You see… You can get away with that. Do you see?
ONE TONGUE JOHNNY:
I have under-privileged identity attributes, too though.
FATIMA:
Uh… what?
ONE TONGUE JOHNNY:
I said, I have under-privileged iden…
FATIMA:
Why do you always talk like that?
ONE TONGUE JOHNNY:
… There’s no way to express this in common sense every day language.
FATIMA:
Hm… Interesting.
ONE TONGUE JOHNNY:
What?
FATIMA:
Nothing.
ONE TONGUE JOHNNY:
Huh? What do you, you, you-you-you…
FATIMA:
Drop it! It doesn’t matter!
ONE TONGUE JOHNNY:
Oh, but, but, but, c’mon… When the shit hits the fan, do you seriously think trigger-happy SJWs will be doing anything to stand up for Muslims?!
They will just be quivering and pissing salt in their safe space, offering up tearful prayers to Derrida and Jacques Baudrillard, wondering how long before they’re next.
FATIMA:
Don’t forget these words. You’ve said it now and there’s no going back. You will be held accountable, Jonathan. If you go back on this, I will never forgive you! Don’t forget!
ONE TONGUE JOHNNY
… … …