Former UK Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne (formerly known as Gideon Osborne) has recently been arrested for drug possession and trafficking offenses in Indonesia.
Indonesia, like many countries in Southeast and Northeast Asia, has very stringent laws on narcotics.
And a number of British citizens have fallen afoul of these drug laws in recent years; finding themselves confined for decades to the depressing squalour of grotesque mass prisons.
Some have even been executed.
And confidential sources now tell us Osborne himself is likely to meet the same fate. Speaking on condition of anonymity, one source close to the Indonesian government tells Glossy News:
Jakarta has sworn to stamp out drug trafficking and possession, and yet we still get more and more of these idle parasites coming in.
And Osborne’s arrogant behavior when arrested, sneering ‘You really have no b****y idea who I even am, do you? Why don’t you just b****r off and go catch some terrorists and do us all a b****y favour, madame!’ did not help his cause.
So, provided it all goes the right way on the day, we will finally have a high-grade trophy scalp.
Perhaps by firing squad.
But we do of course occasionally hang drug offenders instead; at least where there are mitigating circumstances, such as incurable idiocy.
However, it is currently undecided whether your beloved former Chancellor is genuinely insane, or merely an extremely cunning and manipulative master criminal.
Generally speaking, it seems making an example of a few mediocre and corrupt enterpreneurs, and drunken, irresponsible students of elite institutions, and morally deviant middle-aged sex tourists, has not succeeded in discouraging drug pushers from trying to destroy our country.
But it is fairly clear from our research that Osborne is completely different from these people!
So at last, now we have a chance to really “stick the knife in,” as your old English proverb runs.
And here in Indonesia, we too have an old saying:
Hang a pig, and let a nest of serpents tremble!
Our research team across the pond says patriotic Brits are universally up in arms at this cynical, politically motivated attempt to frame this beloved figure.
Aaron Brady, a wounded veteran from Norfolk who is now entirely incapable of work, and whose life-saving benefits were confiscated by the government minister Iain Duncan Smith (he is now wholly dependent on family members), said:
I’ll never forgive Iain for what he did to me.
But I just know in my heart if there was anything George could have done to stop that wayward loose cannon, Iain, from going off the rails and irresponsibly taking the hatchet to our benefits, he would have done it.
Ask every city, every town, every village, you’ll struggle to find a single person with a bad word to say about our George.
He may have be born into wealth; but like Princess Diana, who truly was our Queen of Hearts, well our George…
Well now, he always did have the common touch!
Oh, I really do, do hope our diplomats will make sure the Indonesian government don’t do anything stupid.
If anything, you know, if anything happens to Osborne, it will be the end of us all. I, I, I, I just can’t bear to think about it!
Renowned Republican Senator John McCain, who seems to be equally well-beloved on the British mainland, says:
It is….
Just difficult to imagine the pain, and the distress, UK citizens are going through right now.
Be strong, be brave.
America is with you.
Your tears are also our own.
Rest assured that no matter how hard it gets…
We will never take our watchful eyes off you, and you will never leave our gaze for one single moment.
You have our promise on that.
Glossy News offer our most sincere commiserations to our readers across the pond.
We hope you will find some way of adjusting to this devastating blow to your national pride.
Keep strong!