When Donald Met Nigel (A Comic Dialogue in Two Annoying Parts)

NOTE FROM WALLACE: Welcome Appleseed Ike, of Satirical Industrial Complex! This is Ike’s first piece for Glossy News.


When you hear about a meeting between Donald and Nigel you’d stereotypically picture two ageing, dogmatic men. What happens is far worse than a stereotype.

D- Hey British guy, why don’t you start by telling me about your crooked plan to get rid of Theresa May… not be very good for Britain. Ha. They can’t imagine it! Sad.

N- Well, it’s quite genius really. First you show some turbulence between the USA and Britain. This will create worry and confusion because of Brexit…

D- I love Brexit. Awesome! They tell me about Brexit. I know Brexit. Nobody does Brexit better than the Donald.

N- The British people will worry about trade deals and will blame literally anyone: the postman, asylum seekers even crooked Hillary!

D- What about these trade deals, I make deals. You would not believe the deals I can make. Incredible! Incredible deals. Believe me, these are incredible.

N- Well, without the support of Europe and you, Donald, they will be feeling pretty vulnerable, yes?

D- Especially when I make America even greater than great again!

N- They’ll elect anyone for a sense of economic security, anyone who can provide that!

D- I like where you’re going with this, European guy. Hey! Listen, do you want a job here? A mind like yours would fit right in here!

N- Well, DON, may I call you Don?

D- Whatever, it’s a free country for now. Don Donald, I’ve been there in that Scotland country, now that’s something… You would not believe that country. YUGE country! YUUUUUGE people. It’s insane. Can’t imagine it. Unbelievable.

N- Anyway, Don, as I was saying before, if I were to get a job with you, the people of Britain will see our special relationship and after a year or two of fear as Britain falls down the list of largest economies. They will be in a seemingly disastrous position.

D- Then someone will have to make the old UK great again. Could I try be president there?

N- Well, no this is where the plan becomes quite genius really. With our close relationship firmly in the wallet, as it were… Well, I return to the UK, stand as a Tory, and run a leadership bid on my great appeal to a wide electorate. The wealthy will vote for me for the potential USA deals, as will the poor also. As for the people who don’t care for trade deals then I will blame their problems on what I did before. Then they’ll see it’s me, Nigel, coming to save the day.

D- Sounds like you’re a good man, English guy; trying to fix all this for Britain. Incredible. Incredible candidate. Unbelievable! You can trust me on this one.

N- Why that’s the most genius part, dear chap. Little do the buggers know that one I am safely ensconced in power, we can finally bring back the glory days! You can be Ronald and I can be Margaret, mutually enforcing neoliberalism ‘til the end of your 8 years, if that!

D- Great, and maybe after that I can head round to Buckminster Palace and see the Queen, I’ve always liked the queen, I bet I can make her feel great again. Strong woman. Incredible woman. I know lots of them. Insane girl!

N- Once in place America’s hegemony will be every bit as strong as our special friendship!

D- I love the way you think, English guy. Is there anything else? Anything that will show our close bond?

N- There is one thing, you see, I was always rather fond of the bust of Good ol’ Winston Churchill that that backwards Obama took out of the Oval office…

D- Surely the British people and that United Kingston Independence Club of yours aren’t so stupid for that to matter?

N- Oh, this is not the first bigoted man they have idolised, look at me!

D- You definitely have big guts. You can trust me on that one. Incredible! Un-be-liiieee-va-ble!

N- Quite so.

Originally published on Satirical Industrial Complex.

Author: Appleseed Ike