Announcer: This is a “Yucky World” Special! Talk show hosts Dick and Janey will not be saying much today. We’ll be listening instead to a secretly recorded conversation in which a deep cover Russian agent known as Putzy, embedded in the Obama administration as a foreign policy expert, is being debriefed by Bob, his handler.
Dick: This is serious stuff, folks!
Janey: Our source, who has security clearances at the highest levels, has chosen to remain anonymous.
Dick: You may wonder why he would leak this to us.
Janey: Think: Bengazi, the IRS’s lost emails, Fast and Furious, bin Laden’s hundreds of thousands of never released documents, the Sergeant Bergdahl trade due to his “poor” health…
Dick: …Obama’s college records!
Janey: Dick, please.
Dick: Well, even George W. Bush released his!
Janey: True, but maybe he had better grades. Let’s listen to the debriefing.
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Bob: You were absolutely right about his ego!
Putzy: Thank you, sir, but Obama made it easy. All you had to do was listen to him. In his victory speech in June of 2008, he said that his nomination would mark “the moment when the rise of the oceans begin to slow and our planet began to heal…”
Bob: Dr. Obama, ready to save the world!
Putzy: In the next month he went even further. He said that his becoming president “is the moment…that the world is waiting for…”
Bob: So was Prime Minister Putin!
Putzy: And your follow up was brilliant, sir.
Bob: Spasiba! We used our persuasive powers to convince the Norwegians to give him the Nobel Peace Prize…
Putzy: …For accomplishing nothing.
Bob: Exactly, but then he had to live up to it…and for almost six years Obama thought the best way to achieve that was by doing almost nothing…
Putzy: …That was successful. Which is exactly what happens when you choose to “Lead from behind”.
Bob: How did you convince them to make that their policy?
Putzy: They’re so naïve; they thought it was brilliant.
Bob: But your master stroke was getting Obama to stop the plans to build a missile defense system in Poland and the Czech Republic.
Putzy: Thank you, but deciding to undercut America’s friends and then announcing the change on the day World War II began in Europe was Obama’s idea.
Bob: Has he no sense of history?
Putzy: Obama believes it’s his moment to transform the world, that he is the embodiment of history!
Bob: Unbelievable! And then you got them to dumb-down their policy to “Don’t do stupid stuff!”
Putzy: Right! And that was after I had convinced Hillary to actually give a “Reset” button to Foreign Minister Lavrov.
Bob: Lavrov got a big kick out of the wrong word being used for “reset”! And, of course, Putin has been doing all the actual resetting…of boundaries.
Putzy: The Crimea and eastern Ukraine today! Who knows what tomorrow!! After all, Obama did tell President Medvedev that he would have “more flexibility” after he was elected in 2012.
Bob: Well, spinelessness is a form of flexibility. Too bad Obama only has two more years to go.
Putzy: I tried to convince him to work to change the Constitution back to no term limits for the President, that the Republicans had only changed it to hurt Democrats, but Obama wasn’t interested.
Putzy: Well, we were out on a golf course and he was trying to line up a putt.
Bob: That’s okay. You’ve had a lot of other successes.
Putzy: Afghanistan is my favorite. Obama was intent on getting all American troops out of Iraq and Afghanistan, but they did need more soldiers in Afghanistan. So, I told Obama when he announced the surge, he should also announce at the same time when the soldiers would start to leave.
Bob: Brilliant!! Nothing like letting your enemy know your future plans! You also did well when Obama trapped himself by drawing a “red line” over Syria’s use of chemical weapons.
Putzy: And, unbelievably, he later followed my suggestion of claiming that he really didn’t draw a red line, that “The world set a red line.”
Bob: That’s when comrade Putin stepped in and negotiated a deal to destroy all of Syria’s chemical weapons.
Putzy: And if you believe that, you will probably also believe that Iran is serious about negotiating away its ability to build nuclear weapons.
Bob: What was even harder to believe was his announcing that he didn’t have a strategy for dealing with the ISIS terrorists.
Putzy: I keep encouraging him not to use a teleprompter so he will make more unforced errors. The weaker he looks, the better for us. I mean, who wants to be in a coalition with someone who leads from behind without a strategy.
Bob: Your “Spike the ball” tactic has also provided a gold mine of information.
Putzy: With Obama, it’s all about politics. He and Hillary didn’t even deny that they had voted against Bush’s surge in Iraq for political reasons. When it came to killing bin Laden, I encouraged him to brag about how it was done. I thought a movie would be a good idea, too!
Bob: Well, Secretary of Defense Gates didn’t like all the intelligence being leaked out.
Putzy: I was in the next room when Gates told them to “Shut the f— up!” but it was too late for the Pakistani doctor who helped out. Nothing like burning an asset to discourage future sources.
Bob: But they never learn do they?
Putzy: Nyet! They even bragged about the failed operation to save the two executed reporters…with more information leaking to the terrorists.
Bob: Your “No boots on the ground!” idea seems to be working well, too!
Putzy: They keep making the same mistakes! There’s nothing dumber than telling your enemy ahead of time what you’re not going to do!
Bob: Come the 2016 election, we’re going to miss Obama and his “useful idiots”.
Putzy: Not even Hillary could be this good for us!
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Janey: This is devastating!
Dick: Can’t our source do something to out Putzy?
Janey: He’s tried. Obama’s not going to admit that he’s been naively bamboozled for the last six years.
Dick: Well, there is one promise that Obama has kept…at least to the Russians.
Janey: What’s that?
Dick: Being transparent!