Purr Gate

David Cameron coughed up a fur ball this week when he told ex-mayor of New York, Michael Bloomberg that the Queen “purred” when she had heard the result of the Scottish Referendum.

During this conversation it has also been revealed that whilst the Queen purred like a cat, Prince Philip could be heard barking like a raving lunatic in a basket of used tissues.

“So she was purring, right?” says Cameron “I then I thought one of the corgis had got her but then it shouted out something racist.”

The Royal Family have yet to comment on this incident. A spokesperson has said that “No details following a private discussion with the Queen and her Prime Minister will be given at this present moment.”

Since Cameron’s brave move to speak out about these private phone calls has sparked an influx of ex-Prime Ministers ready to tell their secrets and buried memories.

“She would ring me up at half-eleven at night.” Said John Major, “The Queen would tell me that she had enjoyed a curry that night and inquired as to whether I had done so also?”

Mr Major broke down into tear as he tells us that this happened every night from the 28 November 1990 – 2 May 1997 when he held office. “Every night!”

Prince Philip is allegedly notorious around West Minister for making lewd phone calls. Thatcher was repeatedly ignored for her allegations that the Prince would often call her office and breathe heavily down the telephone.
This is the first time, however, that both the Queen and Prince Philip have been embroiled in a scandal together. Quite the double act they asked Cameron would “frack” himself for natural resources. They called him a common tart and slammed the phone down.

“What you need to know about the Queen is that she isn’t like other God’s representatives. She likes to purr and I have often been invited to scratch the back of her ears.” says the Archbishop of Canterbury. “She’ll cool off in a couple of days.”

Cameron has been forced to apologise to the public and the Queen and did so with plasters on his fingers.

Author: Anthony Rodden

I am a multicellular organism and writer. Currently I am trying my luck as a stand-up comedian and have performed several shows over the past five or so months. From Swift to Iannucci I have drawn influence from a rich pool of inspirational sources to form a view of what satire is and, more importantly, exactly what it can do. I also was defeated in a conker fight with Harriot Harman and have been a miserable wreck of a human being ever since.