Categorized | Politics

Michele Bachmann Introduces Revelation Act

Michele Bachmann Introduces Revelation Act

Today Congresswoman Michele Bachmann (R-MN) introduced a bill to “hasten the coming of Christ and the Revelation.” At a press conference she stated, “It seems to me as good Christians we should be doing something about the Second Coming.

This is the end times, so are we going to do anything or just talk about it? I’ll tell you. The Tea Party is the party of action.

Our bill calls for unilateral nuclear strikes against Tehran, Moscow, Beijing, that place where those weird puppets live in Team America, and Hollywood over in California.

Basically anyplace that hates America. Once we start to consume the world in fire it will flush out the Anti-Christ, so that Christ will have no choice but to return and deliver us from Satan.”

When asked about the loss of innocent lives during the strikes, Congresswoman Bachmann waved it off. “They are dying in the name of Christ. Who wouldn’t want that? Besides, what’s all fair in love and war is even more fair in the name of Christ’s love and war.”

One staffer was heard to say, “It was prophesied a woman from a Middle Western town would bring about the coming of the Savior.” When asked for clarification he said, “Savings, I meant savings by cutting entitlements to the goldbricking unemployed and those trying to suck the tit of the rich.”

“This is a no brainer for the Democrats and the president,” Congresswoman Bachmann went on. “We have a small coalition called Republicans Committed to the Revelation, mostly from Texas and Southern states and outside interests like Sarah Palin’s group whatever it’s called, who want to push this act through to force the president to sign it. It would very bad for his legacy to veto it. Who wants to be known as the president who vetoed meeting Jesus?” Indeed. Who?


This post was written by

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Jerry D. Mathes II is a Jack Kent Cooke Scholar alumnus. He is the author of The Journal West: Poems, an essay collection, Fever and Guts: A Symphony, and a memoir, Ahead of the Flaming Front: A Life on Fire, about his experiences fighting wildfire. He has received Special Mention for Fiction in The Pushcart Prize XXXI, XXXIV and XXXV along with several other nominations, had an essay listed as notable in Best American Essays, a story listed as notable in Best of the West, as well as other awards. He loves his two daughters very much.


6 Responses to “Michele Bachmann Introduces Revelation Act”

  1. rfreed says:

    Spiffy article!
    And the best cuckoo Bachman photo I have seen.

  2. Brian K. White says:

    Hey Freed, that masterful graphic is the work of new contributor Michael Carlucci. He’s only done one article so far (the one where you posted the Amway comment,) but he’s been hammering away on graphics. He’s making the one for your pending story too.

    Check it out, we’ve got some pretty killer graphics as of this week. Thanks to the team!

  3. Dan Larson says:

    Bachman is stale and so is this piece.

  4. rfreed says:

    Bachman is batshit crazy. She is always entertaining.

  5. I do NOT believe the honorable lady from Minnesota actually made these things. NO way!

  6. Oops! Made those comments


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