Wiretap Program ‘Proof That Government Listens to the People’

WASHINGTON – Countering suggestions that it is “out of touch” with the average American, the United States Government today declared that it always strives to listen to the voice of the people – citing its warrantless wiretap program as evidence.

Introduced by President Bush – who also used the controversial measures to “listen to the concerns of the nation” – the NSA Warrantless Surveillance Program has since been employed by the Obama administration in an effort to “let every voice be heard.”

“We understand the importance of listening to public opinion on all of the big issues,” said Defence Secretary Leon Panetta. “The rapid advance in surveillance technology over the past 10 years has made this a seamless task.”

“For example, just last night I got to hear what Kevin and Denise Ross of Fort Wayne, Indiana thought about the President’s healthcare reform bill. It’s little interactions like these that really allow us to get to know the American people. And I mean really know them.”

With over 1.9 trillion call-detail records stored in the National Security Agency’s Database, the government says it has taken on board the opinions of virtually every U.S. citizen over the past three years alone.

“Only in a democratic society does the ruling government get to enjoy such a direct connection with the wider populace,” said Vice President Joe Biden. “I know I enjoy it, anyway.”

“Just hearing what the entire census of Tampa, Florida thinks about the national unemployment rate is extremely important to us.”

“Especially in an election year,” he chuckled.

Meanwhile, even though he is himself a major proponent of “listening to the will of the people,” President Obama admitted Friday that, despite major advances in political outreach, he “cannot quite believe some of the banal shit some people talk about these days.”

“I… I worry for the years ahead,” he said in a brief statement.

Author: Laurence Brown

Laurence Brown is an award-winning comedic journalist based in Indianapolis, Indiana, who has edited several satirical news papers since 1999. Hailing from the United Kingdom, he has also written plays and short stories. He has a bachelor's degree in English and Creative Writing from Lancaster University. This article was originally published by The Indy Tribune.