ST. PAUL – Democrats and Republicans alike are in shock after famed Congresswoman Michele Bachmann announced her exit from the closet as a proud American Eggplant.
The move, which came after her recent decision not to seek reelection to the U.S. House of Representatives, is being called the “new, softer side” of the Minnesota firebrand.
Standing before the press corps on the veranda of her home with husband Marcus at her side and wearing a full-sized eggplant costume with a green stalk hat, Bachmann explained how she came to accept her identity as an eggplant, something she has struggled with since her early days living in a Kibbutz in Israel.
“I always saw myself as an eggplant in Israel, and believe this change is all for the better. As President Obama continues to ramp up his plans to invade our greatest ally and install Van Jones as dictator of Jerusalem, the country needs a strong advocate for its own defense.”
Questioned by Helen Thomas about the effectiveness of her new lifestyle in the realm of international affairs, Bachmann replied:
“Well you’re wrong Helen. I swore an oath to defend the Constitution of the United Israel, and life as an eggplant gives me so much better an opportunity to pursue this duty. I will not scorn those who oppose me, but our nation Israel will not survive unless Christians act to defend Christ’s followers who are all Jewish.”
The foreign policy plan being proposed by Bachmann is receiving great attention, both positive and negative. Rachel Maddow in particular was incensed with joy, describing the approach to Mideast peace as:
“A brilliant new form of ‘Eggplant Diplomacy’ forged through the combination of Eggplantism, Eggplaintment, and Eggplant Parmesan.”
Former Congressman Ron Paul however was not so enthused. He told reporters that Bachmann’s views verge on “Eggplanterventionst policy with a dash of big Eggplant Government.”