Libertarian Realizes His Ideas Make No Sense

AUBURN – After years of internal struggle, a Libertarian activist has come forth and admitted his chosen ideology does not make any sense.

Jon Rockwell, 23, who likes to go by the nickname “Voluntaryist Rand,” told reporters that Libertarianism cannot be reconciled with the fundamentals of human nature and basic logic, no matter how much he wishes to believe so.

“I have spent years trying to back away from this singular point, but it’s no use. Libertarianism was my brother – I loved it, but nothing can stop these little grey cells of mine from issuing a verdict, ” he said.

In an extended interview with Jesse Ventura, Rockwell noted that for a long time he was a believer in the idea of the market regulating itself according to consumer interests. For example, he once argued cars do not need seat belts because people should be free to make their own decisions about safety without having the government step in to regulate.

“I totally believed it: that people would ask for seat belts if they wanted them, or just be independent and take risks. My Galt’s Gulch was a beautiful idea, and one that seemed so reasonable to the budding political mind. But that’s all gone now.”

Rockwell also explained how he has become enlightened enough to reject his past beliefs that no border control helps the market, people should not be taxed to pay for benefits for disabled veterans and public education is simply extortion of money from the sovereign taxpayer.

Despite leaving Libertarianism behind, Rockwell is not done with politics. His new plan is to read up on and eventually embrace “Anarcho-Communism with a touch of National Anarchism and BDSM theology.”

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10 comments on “Libertarian Realizes His Ideas Make No Sense

    • Really? Cause I've received a lot of positive feedback for this article — though it was all from people who are not thin-skinned Libertarians without tolerance for dissenting views. You're the second in less than a week to comment with the usual, Randian Cultist mentality.

    • Humorless because I jab Libertarianism, right? You come off as a carbon copy of every Libertarian I've met in person or online: tolerant so long as everyone agrees with you. People like yourself (and Mr. Kennon from earlier) are so hung up on ideology that you actually try to defend it on a site devoted to satire.

    • That's awesome you found it sufficiently thought-provoking as to post a comment. We regularly have articles with tens of thousands of readers, but no comments. Kudos to the author.

    • I didn't comment on ideology, I commented on the pitiful state of your humor. There are some pretty sharp stabs at libertarians that I find amusing — say from the Onion — but you just ain't funny.

  1. As a Libertarian (though I tend to sometimes lean Democrat) I must say, smaller government, smaller military, eliminating the war on drugs, legalize ‘victim-less’ crimes and stop insisting we own the world are all good things and sensible.

  2. Hey Nicolas. The story got you to think, to engage. I’m not sure you’re defining satire the same way the dictionary does, but this is literally textbook satire. Full facial truth punch, baby!

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