Obama “best is yet to come” confirmed by projections for 3012

Social scientists working with computer models have confirmed U.S. President Barack Obama’s election night statement that, “…for the United States of America, the best is yet to come.”

RIGHT: U.S. President Barack Obama predicts, “the best is yet to come,” after winning reelection in 2012. (CLICK TO ENLARGE)

According to Waistov Goudmonet, leader of the research team, “Our models indicate that after the U.S. recovers from transfer of its wealth to international tycoons, corporations and overseas interests, depletion of its natural resources, pollution of its environment, a couple of nuclear meltdowns, disappearance of the middle class, mass starvation, subjugation and incarceration of the remaining population under a police state and other existing trends, the U.S. will become a lovely place to live. We project that this will happen in the year 3012, but possibly later, depending upon the duration of some of these trends.”

“Of course, you have to realize,” he said, “that the worst is also yet to come, and will in fact come several times before the best, because no matter how bad you think things are, they can always get worse. And they will.”

“China will be forced to foreclose on an indigent United States and enslave its population to pay for our bad debts.”

Some of the other scientists on the team dissented in part with the findings. Don Gimmidatchit pointed out that “…the findings place in doubt the very existence of the United States. There is a very strong possibility that China will be forced to foreclose on an indigent United States and enslave its population to pay for our bad debts. This process is already under way.

“Another possibility with similar results is that Israel will exercise its control over the U.S. Congress to annex the U.S. and use it to fight its wars in the Middle East. If either of these happens, the depletion and enslavement predictions will hold true, but the United States will cease to exist except possibly as a puppet state.”

With this rigorous scientific report in hand, this reporter decided to conduct an informal survey among U.S. citizens. The first interview was with Bendaire Dundat, an 88-year-old retired steel worker in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.

“I’m no scientist,” he said, “but it seems to me that the algorithm contains an inherent bias and that the data construct necessarily omits vectors whose importance and indeed very existence or definition are unknown or uncertain. An argument might be made, for example, that the best has already come and gone.

“I was a child in the depression and served in World War II, and I can tell you that neither was the best of times. But between the Korean and Vietnamese wars we had unprecedented prosperity and economic equality. Not for everyone, of course, but compared to any other time the rich paid their fair share and American workers were treated with respect. We can’t be sure, but I see no signs that we’re headed in that direction.”

That was enough for me. I gave up on my survey and went back to research team leader Goudmonet to get his thoughts. “The man’s an idiot,” he said. “He told you that he lived through the worst depression and war in human history before getting to the best of times. That’s our model! We figure that if there is an even worse depression and a more horrific world war, it will be followed by an even better time. That’s what our model shows. Just imagine how nice it will be after a massive famine and worldwide holocaust!”