Romney Promises to Stop Gorbachev from Building Catapult – BOSTON – In a last ditch effort to win over undecided voters, Mitt Romney today promised to stop a former leader of a defunct country from building an archaic weapon capable of hitting a non-existent state.

At his Boston event office, Romney said, “To any of you out there still unsure of my resolve to keep America safe, I say this. I will stop Gorbachev from building a catapult that can hit New Dakota.”

RIGHT: Mitt Romney seen here, speaking in his inside voice, with the ever-handsome Paul Ryan putting his best face forward behind him. Found in an email, author unknown. (CLICK PHOTO TO ENLARGE)

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“I’ve been receiving intelligence briefings every morning from people who tell me they know what they’re talking about. They tell me our biggest threat is that bald leader of the Soviet Union with that funny thing on his head. Well read my lips. No new catapults,” Romney continued.

Author: Mark Garrison

Mark Garrison is both a loving husband, a devoted father, and a steadfast rebel when it comes to the word "both." His work has appeared in Opium Magazine, Monkeybicycle, and many other places with interesting names.

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