Romney Goes Economy, Obama Fires Gun in Final Election Pitch

GlossyNews.comYOUNGSTOWN, OH and NASHUA, NH – Both United States Presidential Candidates made one last pitch to the American people before Election Day though in pretty shocking and pretty shockingly different ways.

Winding down a vicious election cycle, Former Governor Mitt Romney (R-MA) spent his day crisscrossing the all-important battleground states of Pennsylvania and Ohio, speaking about his vision for a stronger economy; while incumbent President Barack Obama (D) personally executed a detainee from the Guantanamo Bay prison on live television from New Hampshire to show his resolve on national defense.

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Romney visited several cities in the late two-state swing, with a consistent message of lower taxes and less federal regulation of businesses, whatever that may apparently mean.

“It is time to take the burden of federal government off of the job creators of this country!” Gov. Romney exclaimed to raucous crowds in Wilkes-Barre, Scranton and Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, and Cincinnati and Youngstown, Ohio, though he didn’t specify exactly, or even vaguely, what he meant.

Gov. Romney was joined by his running mate, U.S. Representative Paul Ryan (R-WI) on the Ohio leg, where Ryan joined in the call for smaller government. “We have to reform the bureaucracy involved with getting things done in the federal government,” Ryan told the cheering audience, without saying what he actually meant. “I, along with the Governor, know how to get this done,” he said, failing to say how such things are done.

Gov. Romney and Rep. Ryan have seen their crowds grow and become more energized as their poll numbers have risen over the past few weeks. After finishing up their events, Romney boarded a plane for Boston, while Ryan went back to Janesville, Wisconsin by SUV.

They will each vote in their home precinct before meeting up in Boston to watch, and possibly weep, over the election day results.

As Gov. Romney’s prospects have been improving, President Obama’s have been dwindling following a lackluster debate season. It was in fact one debate out of a total of four counted where the democrats lost, but that has been enough for the 24-hour news networks to spin this as a dead-heat horse race.

Obama was joined by Vice President Joe Biden at a rally in Nashua, New Hampshire, where he attempted to provide an answer to a recent barrage of Romney ads that criticize Obama’s foreign policy. While not mentioning Obama by name, the ads rail against the President’s response to recent violence in the Middle East and North Africa, calling the un-named person “weak” and “inexperienced”, while failing to point out the governors own greater weaknesses and lack of experience.

“Governor Romney is out there basically calling President Obama a coward,” Biden told the gathering. He went on to challenge Romney to a fist fight before having his microphone cut off by campaign handlers. He was unavailable for comment.

President Obama then took the stage, condemning the ads as “factually retarded”. Then, he attempted to prove he was tough on terrorism. “Governor Romney says that I make excuses for terrorism… that I hang our allies out to dry… that America, and the world, are more dangerous since I have become President.”

Obama then called for a staffer to lead a hooded individual onto the stage. “What I have here is a detainee from Guantanamo Bay. I wonder what Governor Romney will have to say about this!” Obama then pulled what appeared to be a .38 snub-nosed revolver from his jacket pocket, and shot the detainee in the head. Standing over the corpse, Obama then yelled to the crowd, “Who’s soft on terrorism, now, New Hampshire?”

Obama then left the stage, as the crowd stood in mix of unaware applause and stunned silence, occasionally broken up by the sobs of some children in the audience. Six people were taken to a local hospital to be treated for shock, but were later released.

Responding to harsh criticism from the audience, Deputy Campaign Manager Stephanie Cutter said, “America should feel safe after witnessing the President administering justice in real time. You Romney campaign plants, that are complaining right now, should be ashamed at your candidate’s misleading advertising!”

I followed up with the people voicing opposition, and found out that they were, in fact, not Romney plants.

Fox News Channel, CNN and MSNBC were covering the event live. Immediately following the shooting, all three networks cut away to commercial.

Upon returning, Fox News and CNN anchors apologized for airing the execution and roundly condemned the President for performing such a stunt, which was described by Fox News Anchor Bret Baier as, “obviously borne out of desperation to hold onto his office.” MSNBC replayed the execution three times, with a graphic that read, “OBAMA: TOUGH ON TERROR”.

Author: William Miller

Tyler, Texas native who is attempting to write humorously.

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