In an unprecedented move, President Obama and all democratic candidates have conceded the election to their respective opponents. Democratic Party Chairman Debbie Wasserman Schultz announced the collective concession this morning. Initially believed to be an elaborate early Halloween prank, it was quickly determined by mid-morning that all democratic candidates had indeed thrown in the towel. Upon hearing the news, polls indicate 51% of Americans defecated themselves, 47% went blind, while 2% did both.
Further analysis determined the 2% were most likely Ron Paul supporters.
President Obama announced his concession first. “After getting my liver pounded so far into my throat that I was speechless in that debate with Romney, I’ve decided to just quit now. In the immortal words of Apollo Creed in that first Rocky flick, ‘There ain’t gonna be no rematch!’” There were immediate calls by republicans to draft Hillary Clinton who quickly responded, “Oh, hell no!!”
Vice-President Joe Biden resigned next. ” Well, looks like the Jedi aren’t going to show up. The republicans are entirely correct. We don’t have a plan to fix this deficit worth a crap. After considerable discussion, we’ve decided it is in the best interest of the country to give the republicans control of both Houses as well as the White House”. Republicans were first elated at the news, but their exuberance quickly turned to panic.
“Hey, they can’t do that! After all the money I spent on this damned election I demand the satisfaction of publicly pummeling my opponent at the polls in front of God and everyone,” said Senate candidate Rep. Todd Akin of Missouri. Democratic Senate candidate Claire McCaskill couldn’t immediately be reached for comment as she had already resigned. Later, she did release a statement to the press saying, “After that ‘legitimate rape’ remark, I guess he’ll just have to beat himself in front of everyone from here on out.”
However, the republican’s chief political strategist and resident Sith Lord, Karl Rove, saw a more Machiavellian mechanism at work in the democrat retreat. “What we are witnessing is a move by the democrats to saddle the republicans with the sole responsibility for the rapidly deteriorating economic situation. Holy crap! We need to do something quick to save our fuddy-duddy reputations!” Rumors that Arnold Schwarzenegger suddenly burst into the room suggesting that they start writing a book right now have thus far been unsubstantiated.
When asked if conceding to the republicans was prudent, former democratic strategist David Axelrod retorted, “Damn straight! They broke it, they own it!” Outlining the GOP’s decade long mission creep from searching for WMDs to democratic reform in Iraq, Axelrod was unapologetic for the mass concessions. “We didn’t build that…deficit…so, I guess we don’t a plan for saving social security, easing the national debt or global warming either. We figure it best we just sit this one out.”
Operating in emergency mode, republican operatives actually located a dazed and confused George W. Bush and hastily thrust him in front of cameras later in the day to take the blame and praise the democratic candidates. Bush urged them to exploit their advantage in the polls. “You can DO it!” he screamed to the stunned and confused crowd, giving a thumbs-up for emphasis.
Unfortunately, old rhetoric foiled the ruse when republican vice-Presidential candidate Paul Ryan snatched the microphone Kanye West style and accused the democrats of ruining everything by just cutting and running. Romney could be heard bellowing from behind the stage, “Silence, you fool! Stare! Just stare!”
At this time, the democrats show no sign of returning, many of them being seen at Disneyland, where they spent most of the past four years anyway. Lame duck President Obama is scheduled for some reconstructive surgery to fix his broken beak while he still has insurance. The announcement coming just a month before the elections has derailed republican plans for a last minute October Surprise for Obama. When asked to comment, a dejected former Vice-President Dick Cheney remarked, “Damn and we paid good money for those ads, too. Guess we’ll just toss ’em in the Hillary 2008 pile!