Dayton, OH – Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney today announced a controversial plan to place term limits on facts.
During a campaign stop in Ohio, Romney was overheard telling a Koch brother that if elected he will immediately propose placing a two week term limit on all facts due to their “terroristic nature” and “un-American qualities.”
Romney said the law would be retroactive to immediately end all current facts that had lasted longer than two weeks including those involving science and other “not real things.” He also promised to sign an executive order if necessary to enact the new law if he becomes president.
When asked for clarification by a nearby supporter, Romney became visibly confused but stuck by his initial statement. “Well, you know, facts are a lot like businesses. Sometimes they work well for us and sometimes they don’t. So we should make sure that they’re not around that long to mess things up for me, I mean you people, I mean American Americans.”
Romney continued detailing his plan when he took the stage at a flying disc manufacturing plant. “I mean, come on guys, they’re letting fact-checkers review our speeches. The sanctity of truth is being eaten away like Obama eats coriander pies or whatever the hell it is that Southern Baptist Muslim Kenyans eat.”
A member of the crowd who was wearing a “Kiss Me I’m a Fact-Checker” T-shirt yelled out about Romney’s unreleased tax returns, his foreign bank accounts, and how he politicized the deaths of Americans. Romney responded by saying that “telling the truth” and “thinking before we open our mouths” are not things that he or the Republican party as a whole has “gotten down quite yet” and asked for more time to learn more about these new things he keeps hearing about called “common sense” and “honesty.”